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00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:15,449
[audience cheering, applauding]

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00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:22,322
Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival,
welcome to <i>A Really Bad Idea.</i>

3
00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:25,225
It's The Roast of Kevin Hart.

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00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:28,629
And Philly is definitely in the house.

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00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:33,667
Please welcome the roundest thing
on tires, Shane Gillis.

6
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:38,372
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[instrumental rendition of "War" playing]

7
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,826
[music concludes]

8
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,964
Welcome to The Roast of Kevin Hart,
live in Los Angeles,

9
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,767
-where we're… Yeah.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

10
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,806
{\an8}Where we're here
to celebrate a guy we used to like

11
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:15,742
-in a city that was once important.
-[audience laughing]

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00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:17,744
[Shane] Kevin will be out in a minute.

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00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,947
I'm sure he's
backstage fucking shadowboxing,

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00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,683
or doing a group prayer
or whatever the fuck he does.

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00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,786
I'm your extremely
white host, Shane Gillis.

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00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:31,024
-[chuckles] Yeah.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

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00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,528
White hosts, yeah. [chuckles]
Big applause, all right.

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I'd, uh… I'd just like
to thank Netflix for choosing me

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to host this celebration
of Black excellence.

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00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,969
[audience laughing]

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00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,072
[chuckles]

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00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:48,342
Look, I'm not saying there's
a lot of Black people here tonight,

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00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:50,611
but backstage
a production assistant asked me

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what color drank I want
in my dressing room.

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00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,682
-[audience laughing]
-[Shane] Chose purple.

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I'm gonna be setting the tone,
but to help us with the rhythm,

27
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,024
please welcome Philadelphia's own,
the legendary,

28
00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:06,293
Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

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00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,928
[audience cheering, applauding]

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00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:15,068
Welcome, everyone,
to The Roast of Kevin Hart.

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00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,270
[audience cheering, applauding]

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00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:20,073
["Yeah!" intro playing]

33
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,043
[Usher] <i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

34
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,545
<i>-♪ Yeah ♪</i>
-[laughs]

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00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,981
Kev, we about to roast your ass.

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00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:32,419
<i>♪ Yeah, yeah, L.A. ♪</i>

37
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,654
<i>♪ The world ♪</i>

38
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,556
-["Caught Up" playing]
<i>-♪ I'm the kind of brother ♪</i>

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00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,325
<i>♪ Who can do it in my way ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Getting my bread for years</i>
<i>In my career ♪</i>

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00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,665
<i>♪ And every lover, y'all ♪</i>

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<i>♪ In and out my life, I've hit, love</i>
<i>And left in tears without a care ♪</i>

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00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,440
<i>-♪ Until I met this girl… ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Met this girl… ♪</i>

44
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,075
How you doing?

45
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,811
<i>-♪ Who turned the tables around ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Tables around ♪</i>

46
00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,080
<i>♪ She caught me by surprise and I ♪</i>

47
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,150
<i>♪ Never thought</i>
<i>I'd be the one breaking down ♪</i>

48
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,518
[Usher] What up, baby?

49
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,952
<i>♪ Yeah, yeah ♪</i>

50
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:10,057
<i>-♪ I can't figure it out, I'm so ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Caught up ♪</i>

51
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,592
<i>-♪ Got me feelin' it ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Caught up ♪</i>

52
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:16,663
<i>♪ I don't know what it is</i>
<i>But it seems she's got me twisted ♪</i>

53
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,832
<i>-♪ I'm so ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Caught up ♪</i>

54
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,967
<i>-♪ Got me feelin' it ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Caught up ♪</i>

55
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,705
<i>♪ I'm losing control, this girl's gotta… ♪</i>

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00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,106
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

57
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,475
-[Usher chuckles]
-♪ <i>Oh</i> ♪

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Let's welcome… Let's welcome Kevin Hart.

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00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:32,979
Kevin Hart.

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00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,553
[chuckles] Yeah! What I'd tell you?

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00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:42,089
-[song concludes]
-[Kevin] Yeah!

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00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:43,223
Yes!

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00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:45,792
-Yeah! Yeah!
-[Usher] I don't understand.

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00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,795
-Why?
-["Burn" intro playing]

65
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,131
See, it's burning me to hold on to this.

66
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:53,867
I know this is somethin' I gotta do,

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00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:57,003
but I don't know
why you chose to do this.

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00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,071
What you about to do?

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00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,273
You see, your friends stand
with you at your best.

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00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:01,475
-What?
-[Usher] But tonight,

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00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:05,679
I'm gonna need you to have a seat,
'cause we gonna talk about your worst.

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00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,415
-You gonna go with that? Okay.
-[Usher] That's right, Kevin.

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00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,350
-It's time to let it burn.
-Go ahead, go ahead.

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00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:14,221
<i>♪ It's gon' burn for me to say this</i>
<i>But it's comin' from my heart ♪</i>

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00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:18,125
<i>♪ Said I watched your last stand up</i>
<i>And not a single funny part ♪</i>

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00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:22,729
<i>♪ I really hoped you'd work it out</i>
<i>But the soul had left the plane ♪</i>

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00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:26,733
<i>♪ No matter the script</i>
<i>Every role you take, it feels the same ♪</i>

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00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,668
-What the fuck are you doing?
<i>-♪ Tell me why ♪</i>

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00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:32,773
<i>♪ I should stay in this great friendship?</i>
<i>'Cause we ain't laughin', Kevin ♪</i>

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<i>♪ It keeps happenin', Kevin ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Plus, Netflix ain't always</i>
<i>Gonna take that bail shit bullshit ♪</i>

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00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:42,282
<i>♪ I think that you should ♪</i>

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00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:46,052
<i>♪ Watchin' Kevin</i>
<i>Ain't the same for nobody ♪</i>

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00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,854
-What the fuck are you doing?
-♪ <i>When they go to commercial ♪</i>

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00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:50,857
<i>♪ Had to do a roast</i>
<i>'Cause them jokes ain't crackin' ♪</i>

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00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:54,795
<i>♪ Like they used to</i>
<i>Look at what money does to you ♪</i>

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-Yeah!
-♪ <i>Let it burn, let it burn ♪</i>

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00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,869
<i>♪ Deep down you know you cooked</i>
<i>And we 'bout to roast you ♪</i>

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00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,906
<i>♪ Startin' with them baby slacks</i>
<i>And baby shoes ♪</i>

90
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,609
<i>♪ Yeah, you know that you blowing</i>
<i>When your movies do too ♪</i>

91
00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:12,479
<i>-♪ Let it burn ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Let it burn ♪</i>

92
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:13,947
<i>♪ Brake it down ♪</i>

93
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:17,851
[Usher vocalizing]

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00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:21,388
-[Kevin] You son of a bitch.
<i>-♪ Loser ♪</i>

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00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:22,856
<i>♪ Can you feel it burning ♪</i>

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00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,793
[vocalizing]

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00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:32,065
-[Kevin] Okay. All right. Okay.
-[chuckles]

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You got some fucking balls
on you, Usher.

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[Usher] Hey,
this just the beginning, dawg.

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00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:38,505
-You got some fucking balls on you, man.
-Yeah.

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I said, come out here
and set this shit off for me.

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00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,108
Let's have a good fucking time.

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00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,477
You come out here
and do a song I've never heard.

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00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,279
You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

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00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,515
Come on, man. That's it.

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00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:51,251
Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

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00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,486
What the fuck you going to do with those?

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00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,755
What the fuck you
about to do with those?

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I mean, you know, it's…

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00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,259
Usher, if you don't get them cherries,
the fuck out my face.

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00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:02,229
Get them fucking cherries
out my goddamn face, man.

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00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,464
Get your ass off the stage, man.

113
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,900
-No, get off the fucking stage.
-Hey, hey, listen.

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00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:10,670
Congratulations. Good luck.
You gonna need it, buddy.

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00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,708
[audience cheering, applauding]

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00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:20,881
Yeah, yeah, you know what, Usher?
Fuck you. How about that?

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Fuck you, Usher.

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You can take whatever friendship we had
and throw it in the trash.

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Y'all make sure
y'all go see my guy on tour.

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00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,258
He's doing a stadium tour.
Go get your fucking tickets.

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-[audience cheering, applauding]
-That's my brother.

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What's going on, Los Angeles? Make
some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

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00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:44,337
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[Kevin] Oh-ho.

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00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:50,110
I want to welcome y'all to the roast
of him, of that nigga, me.

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00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:52,579
That's right, Kevin Hart.

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00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,181
We are about to have
a good goddamn time tonight, guys.

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00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,485
And you know what I love to do?
I love to fucking set the tone.

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00:06:58,551 --> 00:06:59,753
I love to make sure that the people

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00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:02,122
inside the room are possessed
with the energy

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00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:04,024
that we need
so that we can have a good fucking time.

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00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,225
So I'm gonna ask you again,

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00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,328
are y'all ready to have
a good fucking time tonight?

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00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:13,233
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Yeah. Yeah.

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00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,434
I'm gonna tell you right now,

135
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,503
this is gonna be way better
than the Tom Brady roast.

136
00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:18,438
Way better.

137
00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:19,739
Way better.

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00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,075
The reason why is
because I'm not a bitch.

139
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:25,412
-[audience laughing]
-Tom is a bitch.

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00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:29,182
Tom sat there the whole time
with the fucking white man face.

141
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,052
[imitating Tom Brady]

142
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,620
Went on radio stations after that.

143
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,623
[imitating Tom Brady] "Why'd they say
that about me? I can't believe…"

144
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,425
Shut the fuck up, Tom!

145
00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:40,994
He was a bitch.
Roots, was Tom a bitch?

146
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,896
-[The Roots] Yeah.
-[Kevin] Yeah, goddamn right he was.

147
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,198
He was a fucking bitch. [chuckles]

148
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:48,735
I ain't no bitch!
You bring whatever it is that you got,

149
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:52,872
I could give two fucks. You go
and say what you want to say. Say it.

150
00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:55,342
I don't give a shit
at the end of the day.

151
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:59,179
I'm Kevin motherfucking Hart.

152
00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:04,384
I'm the man up in this bitch.
Yeah! Yeah!

153
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,287
Y'all know what I'm talking about?

154
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,489
That's right, Los Angeles.

155
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:16,629
-Jesus do you ever shut the fuck up?
-[audience laughing]

156
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:21,368
-Have you even left the forum?
-[audience laughing]

157
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:24,938
Or have you just been here screaming
into that mic the last two years

158
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,340
waiting for Daddy to come home?

159
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:32,879
Well, unlike your real dad,
I actually showed up.

160
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:36,916
Oh, you son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch.

161
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:39,886
-And I brought you a jersey.
-[Kevin] Oh, you son-- Gimme--

162
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,755
-Give me that fucking jersey.
-That's newborn size.

163
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:42,989
-Yeah, fucking jersey.
-Does that fit you?

164
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:46,393
-Give me the fucking jersey.
-All right, sit down.

165
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:49,729
-Fucking hobbit.
-[audience laughing]

166
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:55,568
{\an8}All right, this won't take long,
'cause as you guys know, I'm a busy man.

167
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,537
{\an8}But I do have a few words for you

168
00:08:57,604 --> 00:09:00,407
before I return
to my affairs in Las Vegas.

169
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:02,442
Oh, wait.

170
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:08,581
I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas.
Was that off?

171
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:11,584
Not supposed to talk
about affairs in Vegas?

172
00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:13,186
Think I broke another rule.

173
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,556
Fuck it, I talked about it.

174
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,527
So what was it
that you were screaming at my bros?

175
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:23,930
[imitates Kevin] "Time to get comfortable
being uncomfortable."

176
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,799
You at that podium.

177
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,700
Those were your words, Kevin.

178
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:29,903
Who's squirming in
that little high chair now, bitch?

179
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:31,504
[audience laughing]

180
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:37,210
Put a pillow underneath,
it'd make you look taller.

181
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:40,914
And, Kevin, what the fuck have you done
to my roast?

182
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:44,317
Seriously, I played in the NFL
for 23 seasons,

183
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:48,822
but I've never seen
anyone drop the ball like this.

184
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:53,460
How did the GOAT roast go
from me to you? [chuckles]

185
00:09:55,995 --> 00:10:01,234
-I won seven Super Bowls.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

186
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:07,006
-Kevin has been in two <i>Ride Along</i> movies.
-[audience laughing]

187
00:10:08,374 --> 00:10:14,581
-I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

188
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:19,686
Kevin, you're the third
most famous person in <i>Jumanji.</i>

189
00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:22,822
-[audience laughing]
-[Tom] That was a good movie though.

190
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:28,495
And look at this pathetic dais.

191
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,631
I guess it wouldn't be
a Kevin Hart project

192
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:33,766
if it wasn't a shitty sequel.

193
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,568
[audience laughing]

194
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,672
-[indistinct chatter]
-[chuckles]

195
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,776
You've got Sheryl Underwood.

196
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,714
[audience cheering, applauding]

197
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,950
Big Jay Oakerson.

198
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,420
Na'im Lynn.

199
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:58,091
-Who the fuck are these people?
-[audience laughing]

200
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:01,227
And how did they get here?
I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines.

201
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,764
[audience laughing]

202
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,605
[laughing] That's good, that's good.

203
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:16,509
And what happened to Nikki Glaser?
She looks like shit.

204
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:22,115
-Oh, my bad, sorry, Chelsea.
-[audience laughing]

205
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:28,955
-Draymond Green is here.
-[audience applauding]

206
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,023
[Tom] Yeah.

207
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,459
Draymond's here.

208
00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:37,830
For now.

209
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:41,968
He'll probably get thrown out
in the next ten minutes.

210
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,304
You know we're not
roasting Steve Kerr, right?

211
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:50,310
And it looks like we actually have
some real Eagles fans here.

212
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,912
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Yeah.

213
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,281
Not like Kevin, who only shows up

214
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,250
at the big games
when the Eagles are playing well.

215
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,252
You know, Kev, we actually have a name
for those people.

216
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:03,323
-They're called Cowboys fans.
-[audience laughing]

217
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,159
And when I run into Eagles fans,

218
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,461
they always wanna
bring up the Philly Special.

219
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:11,431
They love to talk
about the Philly Special.

220
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,166
Yeah, I don't.

221
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,769
And I tell them, "Hey, his name
is Shane Gillis, have some respect."

222
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:19,872
You're special.

223
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:27,046
Kevin, you took a lot of shots
at my family during my roast.

224
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:31,117
But I'm too classy
to go after your beautiful wife.

225
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,052
Or am I?

226
00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:36,723
-What's up, girl?
-[audience laughing]

227
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,128
-Ooh.
-Watch your fucking step, Tom!

228
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,530
You better stop!
You'd better fucking cut it out.

229
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,768
I know in the past, people--
you've been accused of being homophobic,

230
00:12:48,835 --> 00:12:51,271
and I really hope that's not true
because you're about

231
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:56,175
to get that teeny tiny little ass
of yours reamed tonight.

232
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:58,044
And I cannot wait to watch this.

233
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,214
Payback's a bitch
and so are you Kevin Hart.

234
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,851
-Let's fucking go.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

235
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:07,654
["Rock Boys (And the Winner is…) playing]

236
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,223
<i>♪ And the winner is… HOV, my man ♪</i>

237
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,725
<i>-♪ Speech! ♪</i>
<i>-</i>[announcer 1] <i>Welcome to the stage!</i>

238
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,893
[announcer 2]<i> In this corner…</i>

239
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,562
[announcer 1, voice distorting]
<i>Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Hart.</i>

240
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,797
[announcer 2] <i>The Main Event.</i>

241
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,966
<i>Kevin Hart versus…</i>

242
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,202
<i>♪ The Roc Boys in the building tonight ♪</i>

243
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,838
<i>♪ Oh, what a feeling, I'm feeling life ♪</i>

244
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,774
<i>♪ You don't even</i>
<i>Gotta bring your paper out ♪</i>

245
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,576
<i>♪ We the dope boys of the year</i>
<i>Drinks is on the house ♪</i>

246
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,179
<i>♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪</i>

247
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,915
<i>-♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Hey! ♪</i>

248
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,085
<i>♪ Sweet ♪</i>

249
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,223
<i>♪ Let that ride out! ♪</i>

250
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,495
<i>♪ Bring the horns back in, yeah ♪</i>

251
00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:51,431
<i>♪ This is Black superhero music ♪</i>

252
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,999
<i>-♪ Right here, baby ♪</i>
-[bell ringing]

253
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,902
{\an8}[Jay-Z laughing]

254
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:57,970
{\an8}-<i>♪ Ow! ♪</i>
-[song concludes]

255
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:07,413
{\an8}-Well, that was fucking annoying.
-[audience laughing]

256
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,817
{\an8}God, a lot of arrogant people here. Uh…

257
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,753
{\an8}Now, Kevin, if you're thinking
this is just gonna be a bunch of jokes

258
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,456
{\an8}about you being short
and annoying, that's true.

259
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,025
{\an8}We will be doing that.
But we're also gonna be talking about

260
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,761
{\an8}how you're a shitty comedian,
a star fucker,

261
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:22,995
{\an8}and an absentee father.

262
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,935
We're all here to honor Kevin Hart.

263
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:31,771
{\an8}And what a better way
to do that than to take a paycheck

264
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,406
{\an8}while pretending to have fun.

265
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,441
{\an8}[audience laughing]

266
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,709
{\an8}You're a whore, Kevin.

267
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,847
{\an8}Speaking of whores,
hey, Chelsea. [laughs]

268
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,150
Yeah.

269
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,619
[audience cheering, applauding]

270
00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:52,258
{\an8}We have Chelsea Handler,
middle name Penis.

271
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:53,926
[audience laughing]

272
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:56,562
{\an8}Penis Handler.

273
00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,565
{\an8}That's gonna catch on.
All right, fuck you guys.

274
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,667
{\an8}That was my best one. [laughs]

275
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,706
{\an8}If you guys upgrade your account
from standard to premium,

276
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,508
{\an8}Chelsea turns into a male comedian.

277
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,944
{\an8}[audience laughing]

278
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:14,147
[Shane] Oh, this is gonna be terrible.

279
00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:17,316
If that was offensive, I'm fucked.
All right.

280
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,652
{\an8}[chuckles] My buddy
Big Jay Oakerson is here.

281
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:20,853
{\an8}Give it up for Jay.

282
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,655
[audience cheering, applauding]

283
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,826
{\an8}Jay's the only guy in the Epstein files
for actual pizza.

284
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:29,896
{\an8}[audience laughing]

285
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:31,798
{\an8}I don't know if you can see it,
but he paints his fingernails,

286
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,367
{\an8}which, you know,
that's kinda weird, huh?

287
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,903
{\an8}He's like a 50-year-old emo goth comedian.

288
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:41,073
{\an8}[imitates Big Jay Oakerson] "You guys
ready for crowd work? Yeah!" [laughs]

289
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,811
{\an8}Anyway, Big Jay gets
a new manicure every week

290
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:48,381
{\an8}because apparently fat girl pussy juice
dissolves nail polish.

291
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,550
{\an8}[audience laughing]

292
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:57,390
{\an8}What do you mean, "Jesus?"
Oh, this is gonna go so bad.

293
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,592
{\an8}This… I know what's gonna happen.
I know how bad this is.

294
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:02,495
{\an8}All right, fuck it.
My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

295
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:03,596
{\an8}Give it up for Tony.

296
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,732
[audience cheering, applauding]

297
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,737
{\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe looks like
he burns things in his living room

298
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,940
{\an8}and waits for the firefighters
to come rescue him.

299
00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:16,676
{\an8}[audience laughing]

300
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,678
{\an8}When they asked Tony
if he wanted to roast Kevin Hart,

301
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,347
{\an8}he got so excited,
he spit all the cum out of his mouth.

302
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,583
{\an8}[audience laughing]

303
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:26,652
[chuckles]

304
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,457
[Shane] Hell yeah, Kev, thank you.

305
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:35,261
{\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy
that goes to Trump rallies

306
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,497
{\an8}just so he can dance
to the village people.

307
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,131
{\an8}[audience laughing]

308
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,903
{\an8}Tony, uh, I've been
to Tony's apartment in Austin.

309
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,038
{\an8}He has… He literally has thrones.

310
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,979
{\an8}For real, he sits in…
Tony has a throne overlooking Austin.

311
00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:55,648
{\an8}Austin is a 19-year-old twink
who lives across the street

312
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,717
{\an8}and works out without a shirt on. [laughs]

313
00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,085
[audience laughing]

314
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,024
{\an8}Sheryl Underwood is here.
Give it up for Sheryl.

315
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:08,060
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

316
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:12,164
{\an8}Sheryl's, uh,
Sheryl's a lifelong Republican,

317
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:14,567
{\an8}and, uh, she's actually thinking
about getting into politics.

318
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:15,735
{\an8}She's running for a seat

319
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:18,371
{\an8}in the Big Mama's House
of Representatives.

320
00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:20,907
{\an8}[audience laughing]

321
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,742
{\an8}Sheryl's husband killed himself.

322
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,813
{\an8}Apparently, Black does crack
if it's married to Sheryl

323
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,815
{\an8}and jumps off a fucking roof. [laughs]

324
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:33,286
{\an8}[audience laughing]

325
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:36,022
{\an8}I do it for the balcony,
I do it for the upper decks.

326
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,291
{\an8}Fuck all these people down here.

327
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:40,626
[audience cheering, applauding]

328
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:46,599
{\an8}Why would you put rich pussies down here?
Look at these animals up here, yeah.

329
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,535
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

330
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:50,903
Fucking right.

331
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:57,076
{\an8}Regina Hall is here. I think her-- Yeah.

332
00:17:57,143 --> 00:17:59,912
{\an8}Wherever the fuck she is.
Hey. Hey, Regina, how are you?

333
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:03,649
{\an8}Her husband's doing well,
so we're just gonna move on from that.

334
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,721
{\an8}Na'im Lynn is here,
he's one of Kevin's best friends,

335
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,790
{\an8}openers and writers, give it up for him.

336
00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:16,929
{\an8}Na'im's a really good writer,
him and Kevin worked together

337
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,064
{\an8}on <i>The Roast of Tom Brady,</i>

338
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:21,968
{\an8}where Na'im came up with such classics
like, "That Was crazy."

339
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,837
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles] And, "Oh, hell no."

340
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:28,441
{\an8}And everyone's favorite,
"Damn, she went there?"

341
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,077
Guy's a fucking genius.

342
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,614
Pete Davidson's here,
give it up for Pete.

343
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,284
[audience cheering, applauding]

344
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,221
{\an8}Pete Davidson, aka Wigger Dracula.

345
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,990
{\an8}[audience laughing]

346
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,459
{\an8}[imitates Pete Davidson]
"I want to suck at comedy." [laughs]

347
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,427
{\an8}[audience laughing]

348
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,296
{\an8}Just having fun, a little fun, dude.

349
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,265
{\an8}Pete recently got all
of his tattoos removed,

350
00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:56,569
{\an8}so now you actually have to talk to him
to find out he's a complete fucking idiot.

351
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,071
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

352
00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,309
{\an8}[laughs] That's all I got, dude.

353
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,214
{\an8}Draymond Green is here,
give it up for Draymond.

354
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,516
[audience jeering, applauding]

355
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:18,290
{\an8}Yeah, sick. Yeah, fuck him. Boo! [laughs]

356
00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:21,761
{\an8}With a name like Draymond Green,
he only had a few options in life.

357
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:25,865
{\an8}Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary,
or wealthy cartoon duck.

358
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,334
{\an8}[audience laughing]

359
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,269
[Shane chuckles]

360
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,570
{\an8}He plays… [laughs]

361
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,607
{\an8}He plays for the Golden State Warriors.

362
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:38,778
{\an8}[audience jeering, applauding]

363
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,683
{\an8}Golden State Warriors
sounds like a nickname

364
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:46,719
{\an8}they had for people
who died of AIDS in the 1980s.

365
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:48,821
{\an8}[audience laughing]

366
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:53,759
{\an8}The Golden State Warriors logo
is a bridge.

367
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,262
{\an8}Don't show that
to Sheryl's husband. [laughs]

368
00:19:56,328 --> 00:19:57,730
{\an8}[audience laughing]

369
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,733
{\an8}Seriously, keep that bridge away
from Sheryl's husband.

370
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,639
{\an8}I called her yesterday, shut up.

371
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:11,310
{\an8}I was really… I felt terrible about that.
I had to call her. All right.

372
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,212
{\an8}She was crazy about it.

373
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,081
{\an8}She was like, "You gonna make fun
of my husband who fell off a bridge?"

374
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,515
{\an8}I was like, "Yep." [laughs]

375
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:23,823
{\an8}And speaking of Black men who once made
an impact years ago, Kevin Hart. [laughs]

376
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,459
{\an8}[audience laughing]

377
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:32,198
Here's a fun fact about Kevin.
Kevin has a 44-inch vertical leap.

378
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:34,834
And I know that because
he can kiss his wife on the lips.

379
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,335
[audience laughing]

380
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:39,839
{\an8}Being 5'1 sucks,

381
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,241
{\an8}but at least you can tell him
apart from all the other Blacks.

382
00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:45,010
{\an8}[audience laughing]

383
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,682
{\an8}Yeah, they told me to be racist. [laughs]

384
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:52,284
{\an8}What am I gonna make fun of?

385
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:55,154
{\an8}"Oh, you got a huge dick
and you're a billionaire?" Yeah.

386
00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:59,325
{\an8}When you see Kevin stand next
to all his normal sized Black friends,

387
00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:01,494
{\an8}he looks like the period
at the end of a sentence.

388
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,463
{\an8}[audience laughing]

389
00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:10,636
Yes, yes, Kevin, thank you.

390
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:13,105
{\an8}-[Kevin] Yeah!
-This is where…

391
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:16,509
{\an8}To really understand Kevin's origins,
you have to go back to the beginning.

392
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,746
{\an8}Kevin's ancestors came to America
in a slave ship in a bottle.

393
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,314
[audience laughing]

394
00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:26,552
-[Kevin] Yeah.
-[Shane] Yeah.

395
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,154
{\an8}-[Kevin] Yeah.
-Yeah.

396
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:32,057
{\an8}The bottle.

397
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,360
{\an8}He grew up in Philadelphia,
where his mother worked

398
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:35,828
{\an8}at the University of Pennsylvania,

399
00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:38,063
{\an8}and his father was one
of the California Raisins.

400
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,233
{\an8}[audience laughing]

401
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,936
I'm just joking around.
He wasn't raising anybody.

402
00:21:44,003 --> 00:21:46,639
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

403
00:21:49,408 --> 00:21:50,876
{\an8}Unfortunately, that's true.

404
00:21:52,711 --> 00:21:56,081
{\an8}Kevin's dad wasn't there for him
because he was addicted to cocaine,

405
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,551
{\an8}which is a lot more respectable
than not being there for your kids

406
00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:01,320
{\an8}because you're filming fucking <i>Jumanji 3.</i>

407
00:22:01,387 --> 00:22:03,656
-[audience laughing]
-[Shane] That's pathetic.

408
00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:09,895
{\an8}A lot… [laughs]

409
00:22:12,097 --> 00:22:14,834
{\an8}A lot of people
say Kevin's movies are formulaic.

410
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,169
{\an8}Yeah, baby formula.

411
00:22:17,236 --> 00:22:19,672
{\an8}[audience laughing]

412
00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:22,908
{\an8}[laughs] That was the best one.

413
00:22:22,975 --> 00:22:25,477
{\an8}That was… We were like,
"Yo, baby formula."

414
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,948
{\an8}And every time you put
one of Kevin's movies on,

415
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:32,218
{\an8}you say to yourself,
"I see where this is staying."

416
00:22:34,386 --> 00:22:37,623
{\an8}Now, he wasn't always a movie star.
He's had a few setbacks.

417
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,959
Kevin got a DUI.

418
00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:42,394
{\an8}[laughs] Isn't that funny?

419
00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:46,432
{\an8}Just a little tiny DUI,
his feet barely reaching the pedals.

420
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,334
{\an8}It's a cute DUI.

421
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,603
{\an8}It was actually, honestly,
it was a pretty serious accident.

422
00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:53,305
{\an8}He wrapped his micro machine
around a dandelion.

423
00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:57,509
[audience laughing]

424
00:22:57,576 --> 00:23:02,181
{\an8}Anyway, things got worse for Kevin
only a few years later when he got fired

425
00:23:02,248 --> 00:23:03,983
{\an8}from the Oscars for homophobia.

426
00:23:04,984 --> 00:23:07,586
{\an8}They found an old tweet of his
where he said if his son was gay,

427
00:23:07,653 --> 00:23:09,722
{\an8}he would break a dollhouse over his head.

428
00:23:10,923 --> 00:23:12,992
{\an8}I know, that's crazy.

429
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:16,128
{\an8}He used to be funny.
How about that? [laughs]

430
00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:18,364
That was really funny.
That was so long ago.

431
00:23:19,899 --> 00:23:22,101
{\an8}After that, after he got fired
for being homophobic,

432
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:23,802
{\an8}he went on like an apology tour

433
00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:26,005
{\an8}where he had to go around
and do interviews and shit.

434
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:30,476
{\an8}And in one of the interviews, he said,
"I'm in love with the man I'm becoming."

435
00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:37,449
{\an8}Gay. [laughs] Fucking homo, dude.

436
00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:41,854
I'm gonna break a dollhouse
over his head after that fucking shit.

437
00:23:44,857 --> 00:23:46,859
{\an8}I guess one of the reasons
no one can afford a house in America

438
00:23:46,926 --> 00:23:48,594
{\an8}these days is 'cause
Kevin keeps breaking them

439
00:23:48,661 --> 00:23:50,362
{\an8}over his son's fucking head.

440
00:23:52,831 --> 00:23:56,402
{\an8}A few months ago, Kevin performed
at the Riyadh Comedy Festival

441
00:23:56,468 --> 00:23:58,170
{\an8}sponsored by the Saudi government.

442
00:24:00,072 --> 00:24:03,509
{\an8}[audience jeering, laughing]

443
00:24:03,575 --> 00:24:06,178
They actually, they offered me
a ton of money to do it, but I said no.

444
00:24:06,245 --> 00:24:07,579
{\an8}Kevin said yes.

445
00:24:09,515 --> 00:24:12,251
{\an8}The reason I said no was to honor

446
00:24:12,318 --> 00:24:14,320
{\an8}the brave police officers
and firefighters

447
00:24:14,386 --> 00:24:16,055
{\an8}who lost their lives that day.

448
00:24:18,757 --> 00:24:20,159
Right, Pete? [laughs]

449
00:24:20,225 --> 00:24:21,560
[audience laughing]

450
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:30,102
Kevin actually did really well
in Saudi Arabia,

451
00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:32,538
but only because they thought
he was the monkey from <i>Aladdin.</i>

452
00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:35,374
[audience laughing]

453
00:24:37,676 --> 00:24:40,446
{\an8}Abu, they were thinking about Abu.

454
00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:41,847
{\an8}Abu.

455
00:24:41,914 --> 00:24:43,682
{\an8}Abu, which is actually coincidentally

456
00:24:43,749 --> 00:24:47,553
{\an8}what Kevin hears every time
he puts out one of his dog shit specials.

457
00:24:47,619 --> 00:24:48,587
{\an8}A boo.

458
00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:53,625
{\an8}Kevin didn't just do comedy
in Saudi Arabia,

459
00:24:53,692 --> 00:24:55,227
{\an8}they actually gave him a sword
and a shield

460
00:24:55,294 --> 00:24:57,196
{\an8}and they made him fight a scorpion.

461
00:24:57,262 --> 00:25:00,499
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

462
00:25:00,566 --> 00:25:02,801
{\an8}And then at night they'd put one
of those little falcon helmets on him

463
00:25:02,868 --> 00:25:04,370
{\an8}so he could go to sleep.

464
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:06,305
{\an8}[audience laughing]

465
00:25:06,372 --> 00:25:08,240
[Shane] All right.

466
00:25:08,307 --> 00:25:12,678
{\an8}Well, look, I know this dais
is full of degenerate scumbags,

467
00:25:12,745 --> 00:25:15,848
{\an8}and they're gonna be up here saying
a lot of racist, terrible things tonight.

468
00:25:15,914 --> 00:25:18,017
{\an8}But, yeah, you guys like that?

469
00:25:18,083 --> 00:25:20,686
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

470
00:25:20,753 --> 00:25:24,089
{\an8}But not me. I'm not gonna be doing that.

471
00:25:24,156 --> 00:25:26,125
{\an8}I've got a nice PG short joke

472
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:29,395
{\an8}that I'd like you guys
to be a part of, okay?

473
00:25:29,461 --> 00:25:31,497
{\an8}Kevin is so short.

474
00:25:31,563 --> 00:25:33,332
{\an8}[audience] How much is he?

475
00:25:33,399 --> 00:25:36,668
{\an8}Kevin's so short that they're gonna have
to lynch him from a bonsai tree.

476
00:25:36,735 --> 00:25:39,371
{\an8}[audience laughing]

477
00:25:46,478 --> 00:25:49,481
{\an8}That was three weeks
of deliberation on that joke.

478
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:54,486
{\an8}I was… Look, I understand how
serious the word lynch is,

479
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:56,221
{\an8}but bonsai is so funny.

480
00:25:58,524 --> 00:26:01,827
{\an8}Anyway, you're the fucking man,
and I'm happy to be here,

481
00:26:01,894 --> 00:26:03,562
{\an8}and I genuinely love you,

482
00:26:03,629 --> 00:26:06,532
{\an8}and seriously,
you're a once-in-a-lifetime talent,

483
00:26:06,598 --> 00:26:09,501
{\an8}and unfortunately, that lifetime is ours.

484
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:11,270
{\an8}[audience laughing]

485
00:26:11,336 --> 00:26:13,172
{\an8}Let's get this fucking show started.

486
00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:15,240
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

487
00:26:18,811 --> 00:26:24,116
{\an8}And now, our first roaster of the night,
the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

488
00:26:24,183 --> 00:26:26,552
[audience cheering, applauding]

489
00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:30,656
["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing]

490
00:26:40,132 --> 00:26:43,435
[audience cheering]

491
00:26:55,914 --> 00:26:56,915
{\an8}Wow!

492
00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:01,153
{\an8}What's up, roast fans?

493
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:04,323
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[music concludes]

494
00:27:04,389 --> 00:27:06,325
Look at this place.

495
00:27:06,391 --> 00:27:11,063
{\an8}Everybody's here tonight. Wow, wow, wow.

496
00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:17,903
{\an8}John Stamos, Usher, I see you,
George Wallace, and Peter Dinklage.

497
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,239
{\an8}Blackface is never okay.

498
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:22,241
[audience laughing]

499
00:27:23,775 --> 00:27:24,977
Kevin Hart.

500
00:27:26,044 --> 00:27:30,182
{\an8}We've been friends a long time,
but the world first fell in love with you

501
00:27:30,249 --> 00:27:33,452
{\an8}when Michael Jackson
dangled you over that balcony.

502
00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:35,721
{\an8}[audience laughing]

503
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:47,599
{\an8}Tonight, live all over the world,
we celebrate the crack baby that could.

504
00:27:49,368 --> 00:27:51,603
The preemie with a dreamie.

505
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:56,275
{\an8}The man who put the elf
in Philadelphia. [laughs]

506
00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,545
{\an8}The great Eddie Smurphy.

507
00:28:01,613 --> 00:28:04,383
{\an8}You know, Kev, those mic drops aren't
as cool when you're dropping them

508
00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:05,884
{\an8}from two feet, right?

509
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:11,089
{\an8}Yeah, tonight I dress
like your idol Eddie Murphy

510
00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:12,491
{\an8}because he's not coming.

511
00:28:12,558 --> 00:28:14,026
{\an8}[audience laughing]

512
00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:16,929
Your idol doesn't give a fuck
about you, Kevin.

513
00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:21,867
No, Eddie, but we did
get Donkey from<i> Shrek.</i>

514
00:28:21,934 --> 00:28:23,969
Say hello to Sheryl Underwood.

515
00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:27,239
[audience laughing]

516
00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:29,441
[kisses]

517
00:28:30,943 --> 00:28:33,545
{\an8}Sheryl's pronouns are hee-haw.

518
00:28:41,286 --> 00:28:43,021
{\an8}I love you, Sheryl Underwood.

519
00:28:44,856 --> 00:28:47,025
{\an8}By the way, Underwood
is also where they found

520
00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:51,296
{\an8}-Pete Davidson's dad on 9/11.
-[audience laughing]

521
00:28:51,363 --> 00:28:54,333
{\an8}-[inaudible]
-I love you.

522
00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:57,069
{\an8}Pete's dad was a firefighter
that died heroically

523
00:28:57,135 --> 00:29:00,906
{\an8}and somehow Pete
gets all the pussy his dad deserves.

524
00:29:00,973 --> 00:29:03,375
[audience laughing]

525
00:29:03,442 --> 00:29:07,112
{\an8}In honor of his dad,
Pete only fucks nines and elevens.

526
00:29:07,179 --> 00:29:11,016
{\an8}[audience laughing]

527
00:29:11,083 --> 00:29:14,720
-[Jeff] Hit it!
-["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing]

528
00:29:14,786 --> 00:29:17,256
[audience cheering, applauding]

529
00:29:19,191 --> 00:29:23,595
{\an8}-[music concludes]
-I love this! Comics roasting comics.

530
00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:27,733
{\an8}You don't see a lot of guys
who look like Shane Gillis in L.A.,

531
00:29:27,799 --> 00:29:30,435
{\an8}unless they're handcuffing
a Mexican toddler.

532
00:29:30,502 --> 00:29:31,903
{\an8}[audience laughing]

533
00:29:32,938 --> 00:29:34,539
Ay, ay, ICE!

534
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:45,717
{\an8}Jersey's finest, Chelsea Handler.
I love you so much, Chelsea.

535
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:49,388
-I do. I do.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

536
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:52,057
{\an8}Chelsea told me
she's been getting into microdosing,

537
00:29:52,124 --> 00:29:55,027
{\an8}which is what she calls
fucking a white guy.

538
00:29:55,093 --> 00:29:56,128
{\an8}[audience laughing]

539
00:29:57,229 --> 00:30:03,935
Congrats, Chels. I read you just bought
your new house from RFK Jr.

540
00:30:04,002 --> 00:30:06,772
{\an8}[in deep voice] "Hey, do you want
to see my bag of raccoon dicks?"

541
00:30:07,939 --> 00:30:11,777
{\an8}And then RFK was like,
"No thanks, Chelsea, I have my own."

542
00:30:11,843 --> 00:30:14,079
[audience laughing]

543
00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:19,651
{\an8}Steph Curry couldn't make it tonight,

544
00:30:19,718 --> 00:30:22,587
{\an8}but he did carry
Draymond Green all the way here.

545
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,457
[audience laughing]

546
00:30:30,062 --> 00:30:33,432
{\an8}Love you, buddy. I'm not going
to make fun of you because you're violent.

547
00:30:33,498 --> 00:30:35,634
{\an8}[audience laughing]

548
00:30:35,701 --> 00:30:39,538
{\an8}You've been ejected more times
than a Kevin Hart DVD. [chuckles]

549
00:30:39,604 --> 00:30:43,342
[audience laughing]

550
00:30:44,810 --> 00:30:47,346
{\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you.

551
00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:51,650
{\an8}-Tony, I love you like a little brother…
-[audience cheering]

552
00:30:51,717 --> 00:30:53,985
{\an8}…but I've had it up to here
with your politics.

553
00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:56,521
{\an8}[audience laughing]

554
00:30:59,725 --> 00:31:04,730
{\an8}Everyone's here, baby. Look at this place.
Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart.

555
00:31:04,796 --> 00:31:06,932
{\an8}-MGK.
-[audience cheering]

556
00:31:06,998 --> 00:31:08,200
Fuck.

557
00:31:09,568 --> 00:31:12,371
For a guy who's only going
to need one pallbearer someday,

558
00:31:12,437 --> 00:31:16,174
{\an8}-you sure have a lot to choose from.
-[audience laughing]

559
00:31:16,241 --> 00:31:18,176
{\an8}What a story. What a story.

560
00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:22,581
Your dad was a street hustler
and addicted to crack cocaine.

561
00:31:22,647 --> 00:31:25,784
So, I guess being dependent
on the rock runs in the family.

562
00:31:25,851 --> 00:31:28,153
[audience laughing]

563
00:31:28,220 --> 00:31:31,656
-[Jeff] Hit it.
-["Beverly Hills Cop" theme music playing]

564
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:34,826
[audience cheering, applauding]

565
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:40,065
{\an8}-[music concludes]
-Kevin, I know your dad walked out on you

566
00:31:40,132 --> 00:31:43,635
{\an8}and then I went to see one of your movies
and then I walked out on you.

567
00:31:43,702 --> 00:31:45,370
{\an8}[audience laughing]

568
00:31:45,437 --> 00:31:48,740
{\an8}Maybe you're spending too much time
in the gym working out.

569
00:31:48,807 --> 00:31:52,077
{\an8}It's arm day, it's leg day.
When is it script day?

570
00:31:52,144 --> 00:31:54,379
{\an8}[audience laughing]

571
00:31:54,446 --> 00:31:58,049
Do you even read these pieces
of shit before you say yes?

572
00:31:58,116 --> 00:31:59,851
Come on, spell <i>Jumanji.</i>

573
00:32:02,954 --> 00:32:04,756
Fuck you.

574
00:32:04,823 --> 00:32:10,328
And sure… sure,
Kevin went to a Diddy party. So, what?

575
00:32:10,395 --> 00:32:13,832
{\an8}They just locked him in a room
and put<i> Paw Patrol </i>on his iPad.

576
00:32:13,899 --> 00:32:16,401
{\an8}[audience laughing]

577
00:32:21,907 --> 00:32:25,710
{\an8}Kevin always flies private.
What a waste of leg room.

578
00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:29,214
{\an8}[audience laughing]

579
00:32:29,281 --> 00:32:36,254
Yes, Kev, people mock you for being short.
But you know who else was short? Prince.

580
00:32:36,455 --> 00:32:38,890
Prince was 5'2'',
we just don't talk about it a lot

581
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:43,495
-because Prince was great.
-[audience laughing]

582
00:32:46,565 --> 00:32:50,202
{\an8}But you, Kev, you're not
just an entertainer, you're a brand.

583
00:32:50,268 --> 00:32:51,503
{\an8}You're like Martha Stewart,

584
00:32:51,570 --> 00:32:53,872
{\an8}but without the respect
of the Black community.

585
00:32:53,939 --> 00:32:55,974
{\an8}[audience laughing]

586
00:32:56,041 --> 00:32:59,110
{\an8}And I can say that
because I'm dressed like Eddie Murphy.

587
00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:01,379
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Hit it, ah, never mind.

588
00:33:02,481 --> 00:33:04,483
{\an8}Play something sweet.

589
00:33:04,549 --> 00:33:07,419
{\an8}-[gentle music playing]
-Today's Mother's Day.

590
00:33:08,453 --> 00:33:11,323
{\an8}-Shout out to the moms…
-[audience cheering, applauding]

591
00:33:11,389 --> 00:33:13,492
{\an8}…and the motherfuckers.

592
00:33:14,693 --> 00:33:17,529
{\an8}Kev and I both lost our moms way too soon

593
00:33:17,596 --> 00:33:21,600
{\an8}and I'm sorry yours isn't here tonight
to see all the love in the room.

594
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:25,537
I know how important she was in your life.
She was strict.

595
00:33:25,604 --> 00:33:27,005
One time you were acting up

596
00:33:27,072 --> 00:33:30,075
and she beat you
with a Hot Wheels track, is that right?

597
00:33:31,676 --> 00:33:35,514
But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted,
put the track back together,

598
00:33:35,580 --> 00:33:38,216
got in his Hot Wheels car
and drove right to Hollywood.

599
00:33:38,283 --> 00:33:41,119
[audience laughing]

600
00:33:42,621 --> 00:33:45,123
{\an8}You always say,
"Everybody wants to be famous…

601
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,093
{\an8}-[Kevin] Nobody wants to do the work.
-…but nobody wants to do the work."

602
00:33:48,159 --> 00:33:53,198
-You do the work, you're a motivator.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

603
00:33:53,265 --> 00:33:57,102
And you don't know this, Kevin,
but you motivated me.

604
00:33:57,168 --> 00:34:00,105
At the last roast, you said,
every time you look at me,

605
00:34:00,171 --> 00:34:03,308
-I look sicker and sicker.
-[audience laughing]

606
00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:05,477
And everybody laughed, and that hurt.

607
00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:08,813
But you inspired me
to go and get my first colonoscopy.

608
00:34:10,282 --> 00:34:12,817
And that cancer screening
was more entertaining

609
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,387
than any screening
you've ever invited me to.

610
00:34:15,453 --> 00:34:17,589
[audience laughing]

611
00:34:18,857 --> 00:34:22,193
They found
a stage three tumor in my colon.

612
00:34:22,260 --> 00:34:25,330
But luckily, like you, Kevin,
it stopped growing.

613
00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,632
[audience laughing]

614
00:34:27,699 --> 00:34:30,335
If you hadn't made fun of me
and saved me from colon cancer,

615
00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:32,237
I wouldn't have been able
to come up here tonight

616
00:34:32,304 --> 00:34:35,140
-and shit all over you. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

617
00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:38,443
Thank you
for saving my life, little buddy.

618
00:34:38,510 --> 00:34:45,016
-I love you.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

619
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,218
[inaudible]

620
00:34:49,588 --> 00:34:54,893
{\an8}-[audience cheering]
-[music concludes]

621
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,529
{\an8}The Roastmaster General, everybody,
give it up for Jeff Ross.

622
00:34:57,596 --> 00:35:02,434
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

623
00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:05,870
{\an8}And how about an even bigger applause
to all the Roastmaster soldiers

624
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:07,505
{\an8}that just wrote all those jokes for him.

625
00:35:07,572 --> 00:35:10,241
{\an8}-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

626
00:35:10,308 --> 00:35:13,011
{\an8}What you talking about, Gillis?

627
00:35:13,078 --> 00:35:15,647
{\an8}If you're wondering
why Jeff is dressed as Eddie Murphy,

628
00:35:15,714 --> 00:35:17,182
{\an8}good, you should be.

629
00:35:17,248 --> 00:35:20,085
{\an8}It doesn't make any sense,
and it's kind of embarrassing.

630
00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:24,255
{\an8}Jeff's face looks like it fell out
of a fucking lava lamp.

631
00:35:24,322 --> 00:35:27,092
{\an8}-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

632
00:35:28,526 --> 00:35:31,096
{\an8}-[Jeff speaking indistinctly]
-[chuckles]

633
00:35:31,162 --> 00:35:33,932
{\an8}They could have used it on me. [chuckles]

634
00:35:33,999 --> 00:35:37,602
-What you talking about, Gillis?
-That's good. That's good.

635
00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:41,406
{\an8}Jeff's the only guy
to kiss the wailing wall and use tongue.

636
00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:43,174
{\an8}[audience laughing]

637
00:35:43,241 --> 00:35:45,910
{\an8}Lot of Jews here tonight. That's not good.

638
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,980
{\an8}[chuckles] Well, I meant for the jokes,
not just in general.

639
00:35:49,047 --> 00:35:51,383
{\an8}-You get it. Whatever. Fuck you.
-[audience laughing]

640
00:35:51,449 --> 00:35:53,184
{\an8}"Oh, not us." Shut up.

641
00:35:54,386 --> 00:35:58,256
{\an8}[chuckles] Our next roaster is Na'im Lynn.

642
00:35:58,323 --> 00:36:02,327
{\an8}-Yeah, Na'im.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

643
00:36:02,394 --> 00:36:05,930
{\an8}Na'im, that's a dumb name.
It sounds like the noises a deaf guy makes

644
00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:08,033
{\an8}when he gets stuck
trying to put on a turtleneck.

645
00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:13,038
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Na'im. [chuckles] Na'im.

646
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,342
{\an8}I'd say Na'im is like family to Kevin,

647
00:36:17,409 --> 00:36:19,611
{\an8}but they actually spend
a lot of time together.

648
00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:22,580
{\an8}Please welcome Na'im Lynn, everybody.
Give it up for Na'im.

649
00:36:22,647 --> 00:36:27,452
-[upbeat music playing]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

650
00:36:33,458 --> 00:36:36,161
{\an8}-[music concludes]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

651
00:36:36,227 --> 00:36:39,731
{\an8}Hey, everyone. I'm probably
the most unrecognizable face up here.

652
00:36:39,798 --> 00:36:45,503
{\an8}-I have a TV show, but it comes on BET.
-[audience laughing]

653
00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:49,674
{\an8}I've been working with Kevin for 25 years,
and this motherfucker said

654
00:36:49,741 --> 00:36:52,377
{\an8}he put me in this roast
because it could help my career.

655
00:36:52,444 --> 00:36:55,547
{\an8}You could have helped my career
by putting me in a movie 15 years ago.

656
00:36:55,613 --> 00:36:57,949
{\an8}[audience laughing]

657
00:36:58,016 --> 00:37:00,552
You about to do <i>Ride Along 3,</i>
and I still ain't rode along.

658
00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:05,390
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Look at you over there, all proud,

659
00:37:05,457 --> 00:37:07,992
{\an8}like a father that finally showed up
on draft night.

660
00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:09,360
{\an8}[audience laughing]

661
00:37:13,565 --> 00:37:16,134
You arrogant fuck.
When Kevin first told me about the roast,

662
00:37:16,201 --> 00:37:19,104
{\an8}he said, "Tom Brady did 100 million views,

663
00:37:19,170 --> 00:37:21,573
{\an8}so I'm probably gonna do
200 million views."

664
00:37:21,639 --> 00:37:24,509
{\an8}This motherfucker think
he more famous than Tom Brady.

665
00:37:24,576 --> 00:37:26,010
{\an8}[audience laughing]

666
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,748
{\an8}Tom has seven Super Bowl rings.
That's like seven Oscars.

667
00:37:29,814 --> 00:37:34,385
{\an8}-You're 46 with a Kids' Choice Award.
-[audience laughing]

668
00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:44,863
You don't have an Oscar,
an Emmy, a Tony, or a Grammy.

669
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:49,434
-The only Grammy you had died in 1985.
-[audience laughing]

670
00:37:51,069 --> 00:37:56,141
{\an8}"Oh, no, Mama. Grammy died.
Where are we gonna live now?"

671
00:37:56,207 --> 00:37:58,943
[audience laughing]

672
00:38:00,245 --> 00:38:02,947
The only thing you and Tom Brady
got in common,

673
00:38:03,014 --> 00:38:04,382
{\an8}you both love your career
more than your wife.

674
00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:07,485
{\an8}[audience laughing]

675
00:38:07,552 --> 00:38:11,156
-[Na'im] I'm sorry, Eniko.
-[audience laughing]

676
00:38:11,222 --> 00:38:13,258
{\an8}Kev, did you know
you're the only second Black person

677
00:38:13,324 --> 00:38:15,126
{\an8}to be roasted in the last 30 years?

678
00:38:15,193 --> 00:38:17,462
{\an8}It's just you
and your brother, Flavor Flav.

679
00:38:17,529 --> 00:38:19,597
{\an8}[audience laughing]

680
00:38:19,664 --> 00:38:22,000
This guy's a fucking scam artist.

681
00:38:22,066 --> 00:38:24,269
How the fuck you promoting
fitness and tequila?

682
00:38:24,335 --> 00:38:27,639
[audience laughing]

683
00:38:32,277 --> 00:38:35,680
{\an8}You told me all these big names
are gonna be up here.

684
00:38:35,747 --> 00:38:38,082
{\an8}Look at this batch
of bullshit up here, man.

685
00:38:38,149 --> 00:38:40,285
{\an8}What the fuck
is Draymond Green doing here?

686
00:38:40,351 --> 00:38:42,287
{\an8}[audience laughing]

687
00:38:42,353 --> 00:38:45,123
{\an8}Stupid-ass name.
What the fuck is a "Draymond?"

688
00:38:45,190 --> 00:38:48,293
[audience laughing]

689
00:38:48,359 --> 00:38:49,761
{\an8}Your mother didn't know
who your father was,

690
00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:52,230
{\an8}so she just combined
two of the guys' names.

691
00:38:52,297 --> 00:38:54,866
{\an8}[audience laughing]

692
00:38:55,967 --> 00:39:00,338
{\an8}"Who the daddy, girl?"
"Mm-mm. It's either Andre or Lamond."

693
00:39:00,405 --> 00:39:05,410
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles] "I'ma just call him Draymond."

694
00:39:05,476 --> 00:39:09,514
{\an8}[audience laughing]

695
00:39:09,581 --> 00:39:14,586
[cheering, applauding]

696
00:39:16,621 --> 00:39:20,024
{\an8}-Your name sounds like a ugly paint color.
-[audience laughing]

697
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:24,629
{\an8}And I was thinking about making
the kitchen Draymond Green.

698
00:39:24,696 --> 00:39:28,299
{\an8}[audience laughing]

699
00:39:33,404 --> 00:39:35,573
{\an8}Man, I thought
The Rock would at least be here,

700
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,375
{\an8}because I got some shit to say about him.

701
00:39:37,442 --> 00:39:39,644
{\an8}But actually, you know,
it's good he's not here,

702
00:39:39,711 --> 00:39:42,914
{\an8}because I'd rather talk shit
behind his back. I feel safer.

703
00:39:42,981 --> 00:39:47,151
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Big J, you be The Rock, all right?

704
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,655
This is the closest you'll get to being
in shape, so savor the moment.

705
00:39:51,189 --> 00:39:53,191
{\an8}Rock, I'm sick of your shit.

706
00:39:53,258 --> 00:39:56,194
{\an8}Fucking sellout,
always playing the white guy in movies.

707
00:39:56,261 --> 00:39:57,562
{\an8}Nigga, please.

708
00:39:58,630 --> 00:40:02,567
{\an8}-Ain't no White guys named Dwayne.
-[audience laughing]

709
00:40:02,634 --> 00:40:05,637
{\an8}If you apply for a job at Target
and you write Dwayne Johnson on it,

710
00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:09,040
{\an8}-that shit's going in the trash.
-[audience laughing]

711
00:40:09,107 --> 00:40:12,277
{\an8}That's a DEI joke,
you stupid motherfucker.

712
00:40:12,343 --> 00:40:13,845
{\an8}[audience laughing]

713
00:40:13,912 --> 00:40:16,514
{\an8}Let me chill,
I don't want no smoke with rock.

714
00:40:16,581 --> 00:40:21,386
{\an8}-That's what almost killed Lamar Odom.
-[audience laughing]

715
00:40:23,988 --> 00:40:27,292
{\an8}Jeff Ross is here
collecting this one check for the year.

716
00:40:27,358 --> 00:40:29,460
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[Na'im] Yeah.

717
00:40:29,527 --> 00:40:32,330
{\an8}This might be Jeff's last roast
if he don't get that kidney.

718
00:40:32,397 --> 00:40:35,233
[audience laughing]

719
00:40:38,202 --> 00:40:39,404
{\an8}Jeff, you look like the only kid

720
00:40:39,470 --> 00:40:42,240
{\an8}that Michael Jackson visited
in the hospital that lived.

721
00:40:42,307 --> 00:40:44,375
{\an8}[audience laughing]

722
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:48,313
-Make a wish, motherfucker.
-[audience laughing]

723
00:40:51,683 --> 00:40:55,653
{\an8}-Chelsea Handler, yeah.
-[audience cheering]

724
00:40:55,720 --> 00:41:00,325
{\an8}Hey, Chelsea. I see you over there
aging at the speed of white.

725
00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:05,964
{\an8}Take a picture of Chelsea now,

726
00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,766
{\an8}I guarantee you won't recognize her
by the end of the night.

727
00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:11,035
{\an8}[audience laughing]

728
00:41:12,337 --> 00:41:16,574
Over there with all that makeup on,
casket ready.

729
00:41:16,641 --> 00:41:19,777
-[audience laughing]
-[Na'im chuckles]

730
00:41:20,912 --> 00:41:23,448
{\an8}I can't wait till they do
a remake of <i>Golden Girls</i>

731
00:41:23,514 --> 00:41:25,650
{\an8}so you can get
a fucking job again, all right?

732
00:41:25,717 --> 00:41:27,385
{\an8}[audience laughing]

733
00:41:27,452 --> 00:41:29,487
{\an8}You'd be like a less fuckable Betty White.

734
00:41:29,554 --> 00:41:31,222
{\an8}[audience laughing]

735
00:41:31,289 --> 00:41:35,460
{\an8}And I'm not talking Betty in her prime.
I'm talking Betty right now.

736
00:41:35,526 --> 00:41:39,197
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Yeah, Betty's dead.

737
00:41:42,367 --> 00:41:46,404
{\an8}We got one of the kings
of comedy here, Sheryl Underwood.

738
00:41:46,471 --> 00:41:49,340
{\an8}[audience laughing]

739
00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:55,013
{\an8}[chuckles]

740
00:41:55,079 --> 00:41:57,482
{\an8}Sheryl, they've been talking
about doing a biopic on Kev's life.

741
00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:01,753
{\an8}-I think you'd be great to play his dad.
-[audience laughing]

742
00:42:04,589 --> 00:42:07,825
{\an8}Pete Davidson here. Pete is just
another former SNL cast member

743
00:42:07,892 --> 00:42:13,097
{\an8}-that's gonna overdose at some point.
-[audience laughing]

744
00:42:15,199 --> 00:42:18,469
{\an8}-I don't like you, Pete.
-[audience laughing]

745
00:42:19,237 --> 00:42:22,407
{\an8}Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man?
I thought, yeah, I thought…

746
00:42:22,473 --> 00:42:24,442
{\an8}[audience cheering]

747
00:42:24,509 --> 00:42:27,412
{\an8}…I thought he'd be here
stealing more money from Netflix.

748
00:42:27,478 --> 00:42:28,479
{\an8}[audience laughing]

749
00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:30,882
{\an8}I know you're watching, Dave.
I saw your last special.

750
00:42:30,948 --> 00:42:35,119
{\an8}-Some jokes would have been nice.
-[audience laughing]

751
00:42:35,186 --> 00:42:37,722
{\an8}Hour-long speech, 20 million.

752
00:42:37,789 --> 00:42:40,958
{\an8}He's the reason the damn subscription
goes up every six months.

753
00:42:41,025 --> 00:42:43,027
{\an8}[audience laughing]

754
00:42:43,094 --> 00:42:45,963
{\an8}[chuckles] By the way, Dave,
Kev hates you.

755
00:42:46,030 --> 00:42:49,534
{\an8}[audience laughing]

756
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:51,869
{\an8}He hates you
more than the transgender community.

757
00:42:51,936 --> 00:42:55,039
{\an8}[audience laughing]

758
00:42:55,106 --> 00:42:57,341
{\an8}I actually don't know
why the trans hate you.

759
00:42:57,408 --> 00:43:01,813
{\an8}-You're married to a Filipino lady boy.
-[audience laughing]

760
00:43:06,317 --> 00:43:10,021
{\an8}Okay, they said I gotta say
something nice before I go,

761
00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:10,988
{\an8}so here it goes.

762
00:43:11,055 --> 00:43:12,924
{\an8}Kev, you've not only been an inspiration
to me,

763
00:43:12,990 --> 00:43:15,093
{\an8}but to all comics
and Black people as a whole,

764
00:43:15,159 --> 00:43:17,929
{\an8}because you didn't stop
at just being a great entertainer.

765
00:43:17,995 --> 00:43:19,931
{\an8}You became a mogul, a businessman,

766
00:43:19,997 --> 00:43:22,400
{\an8}creating generational wealth
for not only your family,

767
00:43:22,467 --> 00:43:25,536
{\an8}-but other employees.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

768
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:29,607
{\an8}When slavery ended,
we were promised 40 acres and a mule.

769
00:43:29,674 --> 00:43:31,609
{\an8}We didn't get our 40 acres,
but we got our mule.

770
00:43:31,676 --> 00:43:34,112
{\an8}-That's you, my boy.
-[audience laughing]

771
00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:38,883
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[indistinct chatter]

772
00:43:43,955 --> 00:43:46,390
{\an8}[Shane]
Keep it going for Na'im, everybody.

773
00:43:47,492 --> 00:43:49,327
{\an8}Yeah, he did great.

774
00:43:49,393 --> 00:43:53,431
{\an8}Also, Na'im, great choice there
at the end to talk shit on Dave.

775
00:43:53,498 --> 00:43:55,666
{\an8}[audience laughing]

776
00:43:55,733 --> 00:43:57,602
{\an8}He'll let that go, for sure.

777
00:43:57,668 --> 00:44:00,338
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[scoffs]

778
00:44:00,404 --> 00:44:03,141
{\an8}That was an interesting shot. [chuckles]

779
00:44:03,207 --> 00:44:07,078
{\an8}-Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler.
-[audience cheering]

780
00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:10,214
{\an8}[audience applauding]

781
00:44:10,281 --> 00:44:12,884
{\an8}She loves sex. Isn't that interesting?

782
00:44:14,585 --> 00:44:17,588
{\an8}She talked about it for 30 years,
you fuck. [chuckles]

783
00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:21,592
{\an8}She even released her own sex tape.
Sex tape is also what she uses

784
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,995
{\an8}to keep from tripping over
her own pussy lips.

785
00:44:24,061 --> 00:44:26,464
{\an8}[audience laughing]

786
00:44:27,532 --> 00:44:29,066
{\an8}You can skip that part.

787
00:44:30,201 --> 00:44:34,739
{\an8}Go ahead. Go ahead.
There we go. Chelsea is a Zionist.

788
00:44:34,805 --> 00:44:36,474
{\an8}[audience laughing]

789
00:44:38,476 --> 00:44:40,178
{\an8}I'm not saying that's good or bad.

790
00:44:41,445 --> 00:44:44,182
{\an8}Speaking of dead kids,
she's a big fan of abortions.

791
00:44:46,551 --> 00:44:49,654
{\an8}Chelsea's been scraped more times
than the grill at Benihana.

792
00:44:53,391 --> 00:44:55,993
{\an8}Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp
into a child's mouth,

793
00:44:56,060 --> 00:44:59,597
{\an8}Chelsea Handler went to dinner
at Jeffrey Epstein's house in 2010.

794
00:44:59,664 --> 00:45:02,033
{\an8}-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

795
00:45:03,668 --> 00:45:06,871
{\an8}Just a fun one.
You can look it up, there's articles.

796
00:45:06,938 --> 00:45:09,207
{\an8}It wasn't like a big party,
there was like seven people there.

797
00:45:09,273 --> 00:45:14,612
{\an8}And it was like Prince Andrew
and Woody Allen were there.

798
00:45:14,679 --> 00:45:16,814
{\an8}Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
Chelsea Handler.

799
00:45:16,881 --> 00:45:21,719
{\an8}-[upbeat music playing]
-[audience cheering]

800
00:45:24,622 --> 00:45:26,624
{\an8}[music concludes]

801
00:45:26,691 --> 00:45:28,793
{\an8}Oh, my God, thank you Shane.

802
00:45:28,859 --> 00:45:30,761
{\an8}And I thought
I was gonna have the best tits

803
00:45:30,828 --> 00:45:32,663
{\an8}-on this dais tonight.
-[audience laughing]

804
00:45:36,300 --> 00:45:39,136
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

805
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:43,307
{\an8}[Chelsea] When I first saw you tonight,

806
00:45:43,374 --> 00:45:46,010
{\an8}I thought, "Oh, my God,
is that Druski in whiteface?"

807
00:45:46,077 --> 00:45:47,845
{\an8}[audience laughing]

808
00:45:48,479 --> 00:45:50,248
Happy Mother's Day, everybody.

809
00:45:50,314 --> 00:45:53,718
{\an8}What a beautiful way
to spend Mother's Day.

810
00:45:53,784 --> 00:45:55,486
[audience cheering, applauding]

811
00:45:55,553 --> 00:45:58,222
{\an8}Shane, I feel like I could be your mother,

812
00:45:58,289 --> 00:46:02,960
{\an8}mostly because you look like
you have fetal alcohol syndrome.

813
00:46:03,027 --> 00:46:05,129
{\an8}[audience laughing]

814
00:46:05,196 --> 00:46:09,567
{\an8}Hi, everybody, it's me,
your resident whore for the evening.

815
00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:16,374
{\an8}Guys, I just want to clarify, I'm rich,
I'm famous, and I'm hot.

816
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,877
{\an8}Obviously, I'm gonna be fucking a lot
of guys, okay? [chuckles]

817
00:46:19,944 --> 00:46:23,848
{\an8}-[audience cheering]
-Let's get the party started.

818
00:46:23,914 --> 00:46:27,585
{\an8}I'm just glad, I'm just glad
that my whore elevator

819
00:46:27,652 --> 00:46:30,154
{\an8}never stopped
on any of your fucking floors.

820
00:46:30,221 --> 00:46:32,723
{\an8}[audience laughing]

821
00:46:34,659 --> 00:46:36,627
{\an8}And, Shane, just so you know,

822
00:46:36,694 --> 00:46:39,764
{\an8}Judaism and Zionism
are two different things.

823
00:46:39,830 --> 00:46:44,835
{\an8}Kind of like how Chinatown and Koreatown
are two different things,

824
00:46:44,902 --> 00:46:47,471
{\an8}but your favorite slur works
in both places.

825
00:46:48,773 --> 00:46:52,143
{\an8}Shane has been accused
of being anti-Asian,

826
00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:54,478
{\an8}which is ironic considering he has

827
00:46:54,545 --> 00:46:58,416
{\an8}the complexion and physique
of a steamed dumpling.

828
00:46:58,482 --> 00:47:00,718
{\an8}[audience laughing]

829
00:47:03,954 --> 00:47:06,991
{\an8}Word on the street
is that Shane's a lazy lover

830
00:47:07,058 --> 00:47:09,894
{\an8}and the only way
to get him to go down on a woman

831
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:14,365
{\an8}is to put pussy on the buffet
at Golden Corral.

832
00:47:14,432 --> 00:47:15,733
{\an8}[audience laughing]

833
00:47:20,404 --> 00:47:23,107
{\an8}The first time I met Kevin
was almost 20 years ago

834
00:47:23,174 --> 00:47:25,109
{\an8}and I remember thinking,

835
00:47:25,176 --> 00:47:30,581
{\an8}"What is 50 Cent's
dick doing walking around all by itself?"

836
00:47:30,648 --> 00:47:32,450
{\an8}[audience laughing]

837
00:47:34,952 --> 00:47:37,188
{\an8}A lot of people think
Kevin was discovered

838
00:47:37,254 --> 00:47:39,623
{\an8}during one of The Rock's colonoscopies.

839
00:47:41,192 --> 00:47:42,326
{\an8}But that's not true.

840
00:47:42,393 --> 00:47:44,628
{\an8}I was actually one
of the very few people,

841
00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:47,465
{\an8}very first people,
that gave Kevin a platform

842
00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:52,269
{\an8}for his "comedy" when I gave him
a weekly spot on <i>Chelsea Lately</i>.

843
00:47:52,336 --> 00:47:55,373
{\an8}-And I had no idea…
-[audience cheering]

844
00:47:55,439 --> 00:47:56,340
{\an8}Thank you.

845
00:47:56,407 --> 00:47:59,977
{\an8}I had no idea when I did this
that we would be subjected

846
00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:02,680
{\an8}to three <i>Jumanjis</i>, two <i>Ride Alongs</i>,

847
00:48:02,747 --> 00:48:05,483
{\an8}two <i>Die Harts</i>, endless amounts
of <i>Hart to Heart,</i>

848
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,385
{\an8}and whatever make-a-wish situation

849
00:48:07,451 --> 00:48:10,020
{\an8}you have going on
with the plastic fucking cup boys.

850
00:48:10,921 --> 00:48:13,190
{\an8}So first, I'm here to apologize.

851
00:48:14,058 --> 00:48:16,594
{\an8}And second, I'm here to do
something we don't see

852
00:48:16,660 --> 00:48:21,866
{\an8}White people do enough of in Hollywood.
Take credit for a Black person's career.

853
00:48:21,932 --> 00:48:24,935
{\an8}[audience laughing]

854
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:30,074
{\an8}Kevin, I'm gonna circle back to you
in a minute because I am really here

855
00:48:30,141 --> 00:48:33,811
{\an8}on behalf of women in America and abroad.
[chuckles]

856
00:48:35,079 --> 00:48:39,417
{\an8}Welcome to tonight's episode
of <i>To Catch a Predator.</i>

857
00:48:41,485 --> 00:48:44,722
{\an8}This is a real who's who
of statutory rapists.

858
00:48:44,789 --> 00:48:46,524
{\an8}[audience laughing]

859
00:48:46,590 --> 00:48:50,227
{\an8}We're all just lucky none
of you could afford an island.

860
00:48:50,294 --> 00:48:52,963
{\an8}[audience laughing]

861
00:48:53,030 --> 00:48:55,166
{\an8}Netflix assembled this panel of men

862
00:48:55,232 --> 00:48:57,168
{\an8}to remind us that there are worse things

863
00:48:57,234 --> 00:49:00,070
{\an8}than Louis C.K. jerking off
in front of you.

864
00:49:01,105 --> 00:49:03,841
{\an8}Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

865
00:49:03,908 --> 00:49:07,211
{\an8}You helped sway the last election.
Way to go.

866
00:49:07,278 --> 00:49:09,380
{\an8}You should be proud, boys.

867
00:49:11,515 --> 00:49:14,919
{\an8}Now that your favorite leader
is making the draft mandatory,

868
00:49:14,985 --> 00:49:17,488
{\an8}I assume that all of you will be
signing up to go fight in Iran.

869
00:49:17,555 --> 00:49:20,391
{\an8}Or do you tough-talking pussies
only go to the Middle East

870
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:24,829
{\an8}-for comedy festivals?
-[audience laughing]

871
00:49:24,895 --> 00:49:27,198
{\an8}[audience applauding]

872
00:49:33,037 --> 00:49:35,406
{\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

873
00:49:37,675 --> 00:49:42,446
{\an8}Tony is what happens when women
don't have safe access to abortion care.

874
00:49:43,914 --> 00:49:47,885
{\an8}Tony and Shane both live
in Texas where abortion is illegal,

875
00:49:47,952 --> 00:49:50,788
{\an8}but on the upside,
if you see one of them doing comedy,

876
00:49:50,855 --> 00:49:52,189
{\an8}there's a pretty good chance

877
00:49:52,256 --> 00:49:55,593
{\an8}your uterus will start
dry heaving on its own.

878
00:49:57,561 --> 00:49:59,096
{\an8}Tony is a real guy's guy,

879
00:49:59,163 --> 00:50:01,799
{\an8}or what's more commonly known
as a bottom.

880
00:50:01,866 --> 00:50:04,568
{\an8}[audience laughing]

881
00:50:07,204 --> 00:50:09,340
{\an8}Tony, you have the face
of a school shooter

882
00:50:09,406 --> 00:50:12,977
{\an8}and the personality
of someone who gets shot first.

883
00:50:13,043 --> 00:50:14,979
[audience laughing]

884
00:50:19,550 --> 00:50:23,554
{\an8}Look at you, you look good.
You got like a little Hollywood glow up.

885
00:50:23,621 --> 00:50:26,891
{\an8}I didn't know veneers came
in deli mustard yellow.

886
00:50:26,957 --> 00:50:28,759
{\an8}[audience laughing]

887
00:50:28,826 --> 00:50:31,295
{\an8}But it actually looks
a little bit better in person.

888
00:50:31,362 --> 00:50:34,198
{\an8}You must be using
Crest White supremacist strips.

889
00:50:34,265 --> 00:50:36,433
{\an8}[audience laughing]

890
00:50:36,500 --> 00:50:39,503
{\an8}Tony and Shane,
this must be so exciting for you guys.

891
00:50:39,570 --> 00:50:40,938
{\an8}Usually on Sunday nights,

892
00:50:41,005 --> 00:50:44,475
{\an8}you just burn a cross
on someone's lawn.

893
00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:47,511
{\an8}And tonight,
you get to roast a whole Black guy.

894
00:50:48,946 --> 00:50:50,014
{\an8}[audience laughing]

895
00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:52,716
{\an8}[Chelsea] Well, a half of one,
because it's Kevin.

896
00:50:53,817 --> 00:50:55,953
{\an8}Tony, quick question.
If you're here tonight,

897
00:50:56,020 --> 00:50:58,856
{\an8}who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls warm
in their mouth?

898
00:50:58,923 --> 00:51:01,725
{\an8}[audience laughing]

899
00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:05,930
{\an8}[audience cheering]

900
00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:12,002
{\an8}Big Jay Oakerson is here tonight.

901
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,837
{\an8}Let's keep moving.

902
00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:17,007
{\an8}Sheryl Underwood, Regina Hall.

903
00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:19,777
{\an8}I'm not gonna use my time
to insult two Black women

904
00:51:19,843 --> 00:51:22,546
{\an8}when I'm dealing with this fucking
group of idiots.

905
00:51:23,514 --> 00:51:26,417
{\an8}Draymond Green is here tonight.

906
00:51:26,483 --> 00:51:30,254
{\an8}I like Draymond a lot.
I like what you're putting down.

907
00:51:30,321 --> 00:51:32,790
{\an8}Draymond has achieved
something many Black men

908
00:51:32,856 --> 00:51:36,961
{\an8}in the NBA have never accomplished.
He married a Black woman.

909
00:51:37,027 --> 00:51:39,530
{\an8}[audience laughing]

910
00:51:40,698 --> 00:51:42,833
{\an8}[Chelsea] In preparation for this roast,

911
00:51:42,900 --> 00:51:44,668
{\an8}I looked up everybody's star signs,

912
00:51:44,735 --> 00:51:48,238
{\an8}so I found out I'm a Pisces,
I know Pete is a Scorpio,

913
00:51:48,305 --> 00:51:51,976
{\an8}-and Jeff Ross has cancer.
-[audience laughing]

914
00:51:57,348 --> 00:52:00,718
{\an8}Let's give it up
for the least problematic man

915
00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:03,587
{\an8}on the stage tonight, Pete Davidson!

916
00:52:03,654 --> 00:52:05,589
{\an8}[audience cheering]

917
00:52:05,656 --> 00:52:09,126
Whoever thought
I would say that sentence?

918
00:52:09,193 --> 00:52:11,662
{\an8}Pete is our moral compass tonight.

919
00:52:11,729 --> 00:52:17,267
{\an8}Pete recently welcomed his first child
that he knows of.

920
00:52:17,334 --> 00:52:18,769
{\an8}A beautiful baby girl.

921
00:52:18,836 --> 00:52:20,671
{\an8}Congratulations, Pete,
on becoming a father.

922
00:52:20,738 --> 00:52:22,873
{\an8}I can see you've turned over a new leaf.

923
00:52:22,940 --> 00:52:25,442
{\an8}I'm just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe
didn't have a baby

924
00:52:25,509 --> 00:52:28,012
{\an8}and that he has a daughter now, you know?

925
00:52:28,078 --> 00:52:31,582
{\an8}If he had a daughter,
her first words would be, "Me too."

926
00:52:31,649 --> 00:52:33,150
{\an8}[audience laughing]

927
00:52:38,555 --> 00:52:40,858
{\an8}And now, sorry, if you had a son.
[chuckles]

928
00:52:40,924 --> 00:52:43,093
{\an8}And now, back to Kevin.

929
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:45,329
{\an8}Kevin had a DUI in 2013

930
00:52:45,396 --> 00:52:49,967
{\an8}and then had a little dipsy
doodle off Mulholland in 2019. [laughs]

931
00:52:50,034 --> 00:52:54,138
{\an8}And then had the nerve
to call one of his movies <i>Ride Along</i>.

932
00:52:55,239 --> 00:52:58,175
{\an8}Even Tiger Woods is like,
"No thanks, I'll walk."

933
00:52:58,242 --> 00:53:00,344
{\an8}[audience laughing]

934
00:53:01,679 --> 00:53:04,748
{\an8}But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin,
on your tequila.

935
00:53:04,815 --> 00:53:08,318
{\an8}Kevin's tequila is called Gran Coramino,

936
00:53:08,385 --> 00:53:12,489
{\an8}which is Spanish
for "Eddie Murphy said fuck no."

937
00:53:13,590 --> 00:53:16,427
{\an8}It's the only tequila brand
in the world where

938
00:53:16,493 --> 00:53:20,831
{\an8}if you want to swallow
a tiny shriveled up little worm,

939
00:53:20,898 --> 00:53:24,268
{\an8}Kevin will personally drive
to your house and face fuck you.

940
00:53:24,334 --> 00:53:25,869
{\an8}[audience laughing]

941
00:53:25,936 --> 00:53:27,738
{\an8}[Chelsea] I do want to say this,
however, about Kevin.

942
00:53:27,805 --> 00:53:30,140
{\an8}Because Kevin is one of the few
male comedians

943
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:33,911
{\an8}who's never been gross
or inappropriate around me.

944
00:53:33,977 --> 00:53:38,782
{\an8}He has never been disrespectful to me
or any other woman in his presence.

945
00:53:38,849 --> 00:53:42,853
{\an8}And the only time
he ever said anything sexual

946
00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:46,423
{\an8}was when he was shit-faced
at one of the <i>Chelsea Lately </i>wrap parties.

947
00:53:46,490 --> 00:53:50,227
{\an8}And you were like, he was like,
"Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea."

948
00:53:51,695 --> 00:53:54,164
{\an8}"Chelsea, you fucked the wrong Black guy."

949
00:53:55,666 --> 00:53:59,069
{\an8}"You fucked the wrong Black guy."

950
00:53:59,136 --> 00:54:01,939
{\an8}And I thought that was so cute
that you thought there was only one.

951
00:54:02,005 --> 00:54:04,508
{\an8}[audience laughing]

952
00:54:07,478 --> 00:54:11,014
{\an8}Na'im is actually
starting to look familiar. [chuckles]

953
00:54:12,449 --> 00:54:16,653
{\an8}But the worst thing about Kevin
is if you do Kevin one favor,

954
00:54:16,720 --> 00:54:19,757
{\an8}he will never stop asking you
to do him more favors.

955
00:54:19,823 --> 00:54:22,793
{\an8}And the reason people say yes
is because it's the only way

956
00:54:22,860 --> 00:54:25,462
{\an8}to get you to shut the fuck up.

957
00:54:25,529 --> 00:54:29,133
{\an8}And somehow you seem to think
that you're the greatest negotiator,

958
00:54:29,199 --> 00:54:30,634
{\an8}"The best" is what you say.

959
00:54:30,701 --> 00:54:34,438
{\an8}And I would like to let everyone here know
that the most recent favor Kevin asked me

960
00:54:34,505 --> 00:54:37,708
{\an8}to do for him was to film
his TV show, <i>Funny AF</i>,

961
00:54:37,775 --> 00:54:40,110
{\an8}which is a very gay name, by the way.

962
00:54:41,578 --> 00:54:44,982
{\an8}It ended up being a great show.
You're right, it is a good show.

963
00:54:45,048 --> 00:54:49,586
{\an8}But I was in Majorca at the time,
like any other rich white woman would be.

964
00:54:49,653 --> 00:54:52,923
{\an8}So after I said no to Kevin
for the 11th time,

965
00:54:52,990 --> 00:54:58,529
{\an8}Kevin chartered a private plane
for me and my entire family

966
00:54:58,595 --> 00:55:03,066
{\an8}to fly from Spain to Los Angeles.

967
00:55:03,133 --> 00:55:06,804
{\an8}Except here's the truth,
my family was never with me, Kevin.

968
00:55:06,870 --> 00:55:09,640
{\an8}I just said
that to get you to leave me alone,

969
00:55:09,706 --> 00:55:15,646
{\an8}so you chartered a 16-seat Gulfstream
for me and my dog.

970
00:55:17,514 --> 00:55:20,050
So I would like to correct the record

971
00:55:20,117 --> 00:55:23,687
from best negotiator
to huge fucking idiot.

972
00:55:23,754 --> 00:55:26,123
And on a nice note,

973
00:55:26,190 --> 00:55:28,025
{\an8}since this is a roast
and everyone's so disgusting,

974
00:55:28,091 --> 00:55:31,295
{\an8}I would just like to say,
as a woman, I am proud to be friends

975
00:55:31,361 --> 00:55:33,831
{\an8}with a male comedian who respects women,

976
00:55:33,897 --> 00:55:37,534
{\an8}who spends time with his family,
and who loves his wife, Eniko.

977
00:55:37,601 --> 00:55:39,870
{\an8}That makes me proud to be your friend,

978
00:55:39,937 --> 00:55:42,606
{\an8}so I'm gonna give you that,
you little fuckin' nugget.

979
00:55:42,673 --> 00:55:45,843
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

980
00:55:58,388 --> 00:56:00,357
{\an8}It takes a lot of people.

981
00:56:00,424 --> 00:56:02,893
{\an8}Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

982
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:05,829
{\an8}[audience cheering]

983
00:56:05,896 --> 00:56:06,864
{\an8}Fucking asshole.

984
00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:11,735
{\an8}It takes a lot of people to support
the career of Kevin Hart.

985
00:56:11,802 --> 00:56:14,638
{\an8}Here to honor Kevin's stand ins
and body doubles,

986
00:56:14,705 --> 00:56:17,107
{\an8}please welcome Lizzo.

987
00:56:17,174 --> 00:56:19,276
{\an8}[audience cheering]

988
00:56:19,343 --> 00:56:22,813
{\an8}[plays flute]

989
00:56:36,793 --> 00:56:39,897
{\an8}[upbeat music playing]

990
00:56:45,369 --> 00:56:46,837
{\an8}Come on. Fuck it up, baby.

991
00:56:48,939 --> 00:56:52,342
{\an8}Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin!

992
00:57:00,183 --> 00:57:01,518
{\an8}Make some noise, y'all!

993
00:57:01,585 --> 00:57:03,620
{\an8}[audience cheering]

994
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:07,524
{\an8}Give it up for my nigglets, y'all.

995
00:57:07,591 --> 00:57:10,327
{\an8}We worked really hard on that. [laughs]

996
00:57:10,394 --> 00:57:14,531
{\an8}Well, well, well, Kevin.
So this is how you're able

997
00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:18,001
{\an8}to make five shitty movies
at the same time.

998
00:57:18,068 --> 00:57:19,503
{\an8}This is against union rules, you know.

999
00:57:19,569 --> 00:57:21,738
{\an8}They gonna kick you out
the lollipop guild.

1000
00:57:23,073 --> 00:57:25,242
{\an8}Kevin, what's going on with this dais?

1001
00:57:25,309 --> 00:57:26,843
{\an8}I was promised real celebrities.

1002
00:57:26,910 --> 00:57:30,247
{\an8}Where are all your friends
from the Diddy files<i>?</i>

1003
00:57:30,314 --> 00:57:31,882
{\an8}You know all of them.

1004
00:57:33,517 --> 00:57:37,387
{\an8}I feel overdressed right now.
Do y'all like my outfit?

1005
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:41,558
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1006
00:57:41,625 --> 00:57:43,794
{\an8}-I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet.
-[audience laughing]

1007
00:57:43,860 --> 00:57:47,464
{\an8}-[Lizzo] Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe.
-[audience laughing]

1008
00:57:47,531 --> 00:57:50,500
{\an8}Actually heard that Tony's a fan
of my music,

1009
00:57:50,567 --> 00:57:52,502
{\an8}but the lyric is,
"blame it on the juice,"

1010
00:57:52,569 --> 00:57:55,172
{\an8}-not "blame it on the Jews."
-[audience laughing]

1011
00:57:55,238 --> 00:57:57,708
{\an8}[Lizzo] What the fuck
is wrong with you? [chuckling]

1012
00:57:58,575 --> 00:58:01,078
{\an8}Me and Tony
actually have something in common.

1013
00:58:01,144 --> 00:58:05,849
{\an8}I played James Madison's crystal flute
and he played Donald Trump's skin flute.

1014
00:58:06,683 --> 00:58:10,287
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1015
00:58:10,354 --> 00:58:13,190
{\an8}Chelsea, a flute is something
you wrap your lips around

1016
00:58:13,256 --> 00:58:15,292
{\an8}-that won't leave you after you blow it.
-[audience laughing]

1017
00:58:15,359 --> 00:58:17,127
{\an8}[Lizzo] Just want you to know that.

1018
00:58:17,194 --> 00:58:19,262
Shane Gillis!

1019
00:58:20,464 --> 00:58:23,033
{\an8}Thank you for that introduction.
You look good.

1020
00:58:23,100 --> 00:58:25,035
{\an8}You been chasing your beer with milk?

1021
00:58:25,102 --> 00:58:28,238
{\an8}-[chuckling]
-[audience laughing]

1022
00:58:28,305 --> 00:58:31,641
{\an8}Shane Gillis… [laughs]

1023
00:58:31,708 --> 00:58:35,045
{\an8}Shane Gillis looked like somebody
trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

1024
00:58:35,112 --> 00:58:38,081
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

1025
00:58:38,148 --> 00:58:40,283
{\an8}I just made that one up on the spot.

1026
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:43,687
{\an8}-Um… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

1027
00:58:43,754 --> 00:58:45,322
{\an8}Shane, I wrote you a song.

1028
00:58:45,389 --> 00:58:49,993
<i>♪ In case nobody told you today</i>
<i>You're special ♪</i>

1029
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:52,896
-[audience laughing]
-[Lizzo] Thank you.

1030
00:58:52,963 --> 00:58:55,732
Save some chromosomes
for the rest of us, boy.

1031
00:58:55,799 --> 00:58:57,167
[audience laughing]

1032
00:58:57,234 --> 00:59:02,439
{\an8}-Draymond Green is here.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1033
00:59:02,506 --> 00:59:05,809
{\an8}Why is everyone booing him?
I'm excited to see you.

1034
00:59:05,876 --> 00:59:08,145
{\an8}Personally, I've never
seen Draymond Green in person.

1035
00:59:08,211 --> 00:59:11,281
{\an8}I always thought he was just
six Kevin Hart's in a trench coat.

1036
00:59:11,348 --> 00:59:12,649
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1037
00:59:12,716 --> 00:59:15,585
{\an8}So, that's fucking cool. Um, Jeff Ross.

1038
00:59:16,686 --> 00:59:20,023
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles] Looking like my bloody tampon.

1039
00:59:21,725 --> 00:59:23,193
{\an8}Jeff got ready for tonight

1040
00:59:23,260 --> 00:59:26,363
{\an8}by spending a week
floating face down in a swimming pool.

1041
00:59:26,430 --> 00:59:27,931
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1042
00:59:27,998 --> 00:59:31,168
{\an8}You know, I believe that everybody
is beautiful, except for you, Jeff.

1043
00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:33,003
{\an8}-You ugly as shit.
-[audience laughing]

1044
00:59:33,070 --> 00:59:38,008
{\an8}-You look like a old, white, Black woman.
-[audience laughing]

1045
00:59:38,075 --> 00:59:40,343
{\an8}Okay, okay, okay,
that was mean, that was mean.

1046
00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:44,047
{\an8}There's so much negativity here tonight
and y'all know that's not my thing.

1047
00:59:44,114 --> 00:59:47,451
{\an8}I like to write songs
that uplift and inspire women

1048
00:59:47,517 --> 00:59:51,555
{\an8}so that they don't make bad decisions
like fucking Pete Davidson.

1049
00:59:51,621 --> 00:59:53,623
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1050
00:59:53,690 --> 00:59:55,892
{\an8}I'm sorry, I didn't wanna--
I would fuck you.

1051
00:59:57,928 --> 01:00:00,897
{\an8}There's more to that joke
and I'm just gonna stop it right there.

1052
01:00:00,964 --> 01:00:04,868
{\an8}-[laughs] Let's keep going.
-[audience laughing]

1053
01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:09,606
{\an8}-In all seriousness… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

1054
01:00:09,673 --> 01:00:10,740
{\an8}In all… [chuckles]

1055
01:00:10,807 --> 01:00:14,311
{\an8}-Oh, this is live? Okay, cool.
-[audience laughing]

1056
01:00:15,812 --> 01:00:18,882
{\an8}But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you.

1057
01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:20,851
{\an8}It's an honor to share the stage
with someone

1058
01:00:20,917 --> 01:00:23,453
{\an8}who's opened the door
for so many Black men.

1059
01:00:23,520 --> 01:00:25,021
{\an8}Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

1060
01:00:25,088 --> 01:00:28,291
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Wakanda forever!

1061
01:00:28,358 --> 01:00:31,027
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1062
01:00:31,094 --> 01:00:35,132
{\an8}Chelsea, your set was incredible
and your tits are even better, babe.

1063
01:00:35,198 --> 01:00:37,968
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[Lizzo] Whoo!

1064
01:00:38,034 --> 01:00:39,936
{\an8}Kevin and I are both mocked for our size,

1065
01:00:40,003 --> 01:00:42,906
{\an8}and we share that pain,
but I can lose weight.

1066
01:00:42,973 --> 01:00:47,777
{\an8}-You can't get taller, nigga. [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

1067
01:00:48,578 --> 01:00:51,081
{\an8}Ain't no Ozempic
for being short and greasy.

1068
01:00:54,084 --> 01:00:57,120
{\an8}Kevin, thank you
for having me here tonight.

1069
01:00:57,187 --> 01:01:00,090
{\an8}And as a thank you,
I have a new album coming out…

1070
01:01:02,325 --> 01:01:06,563
{\an8}and I actually named it after you.
It's called "Bitch." [chuckles]

1071
01:01:06,630 --> 01:01:10,066
{\an8}You not just a bitch, you my bitch, Kevin.
I love you so much.

1072
01:01:10,133 --> 01:01:16,072
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1073
01:01:19,809 --> 01:01:23,813
{\an8}-Give it up for Lizzo.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1074
01:01:23,880 --> 01:01:27,117
{\an8}I'd really love to make fun of her,
but I met her earlier this week

1075
01:01:27,184 --> 01:01:31,288
{\an8}and she's actually pretty fucking cool.
Who would have thought that?

1076
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:35,258
{\an8}But anyway, actually,
I'd still like to do it. Go back.

1077
01:01:35,325 --> 01:01:36,493
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1078
01:01:36,560 --> 01:01:39,996
{\an8}Lizzo looks like the final boss
of a Red Lobster video game.

1079
01:01:40,063 --> 01:01:44,868
{\an8}-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

1080
01:01:47,037 --> 01:01:52,108
{\an8}People keep saying Lizzo's washed up,
but I believe the correct term is beached.

1081
01:01:52,175 --> 01:01:54,244
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1082
01:01:54,311 --> 01:01:58,915
{\an8}-Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch.
-[audience laughing]

1083
01:02:04,221 --> 01:02:07,224
{\an8}-We're having fun. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

1084
01:02:08,858 --> 01:02:10,894
{\an8}I got him Lizzo, I got him Lizzo.

1085
01:02:10,961 --> 01:02:13,263
{\an8}No, come on, why you gotta get me?
I've been getting a lot.

1086
01:02:13,330 --> 01:02:15,699
{\an8}-What the fuck's your problem, Chelsea?
-[audience laughing]

1087
01:02:15,765 --> 01:02:18,535
{\an8}[chuckles] God damn.

1088
01:02:18,602 --> 01:02:22,606
{\an8}Guys, the next guy we're gonna talk about
is Pete Davidson.

1089
01:02:22,672 --> 01:02:24,874
{\an8}Pete Davidson is here to remind me

1090
01:02:24,941 --> 01:02:27,811
{\an8}that being on SNL
does not make you a better comedian.

1091
01:02:27,877 --> 01:02:29,879
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1092
01:02:29,946 --> 01:02:34,551
{\an8}Pete showed up at the
Kids Choice Awards high on ketamine.

1093
01:02:34,618 --> 01:02:36,953
{\an8}I actually think
that's pretty fucking awesome.

1094
01:02:38,121 --> 01:02:40,290
{\an8}At least you didn't show up
to that event on Viagra

1095
01:02:40,357 --> 01:02:42,025
{\an8}like a lot of the people in this room did.

1096
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:45,028
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1097
01:02:45,095 --> 01:02:46,830
{\an8}There's a lot of pedophiles here.

1098
01:02:46,896 --> 01:02:50,100
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

1099
01:02:50,734 --> 01:02:52,836
{\an8}Pete, this is actually
an intervention for you.

1100
01:02:52,902 --> 01:02:56,406
{\an8}Please start doing drugs so you can be
fun and interesting again.

1101
01:02:56,473 --> 01:02:57,474
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1102
01:02:57,540 --> 01:03:00,744
{\an8}He has a new podcast
on Netflix and it fucking sucks. [laughs]

1103
01:03:00,810 --> 01:03:03,380
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-I don't-- Pete's the fucking man.

1104
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:05,615
{\an8}I love him. Make some noise.
Pete Davidson, everybody.

1105
01:03:05,682 --> 01:03:08,985
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[upbeat music playing]

1106
01:03:15,558 --> 01:03:17,761
{\an8}All right. Wow.

1107
01:03:18,928 --> 01:03:23,033
{\an8}Look at this dais.
Can't call me a star fucker anymore.

1108
01:03:23,099 --> 01:03:25,201
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

1109
01:03:25,402 --> 01:03:26,603
{\an8}Great job hosting, Shane.

1110
01:03:26,670 --> 01:03:29,839
{\an8}You look like you got
CTE playing fantasy football.

1111
01:03:29,906 --> 01:03:32,575
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1112
01:03:35,412 --> 01:03:38,982
{\an8}Shane, you got fired from SNL.
Do you know how hard that is?

1113
01:03:39,049 --> 01:03:41,084
{\an8}I tried for eight years
and couldn't do it.

1114
01:03:41,151 --> 01:03:42,752
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1115
01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:46,790
{\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe is here,
looking like both a child molester

1116
01:03:46,856 --> 01:03:49,826
{\an8}and the doll they give the child
to show where he touched them.

1117
01:03:49,893 --> 01:03:53,163
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1118
01:03:54,597 --> 01:03:57,934
{\an8}Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk
in that he's definitely been on camera

1119
01:03:58,001 --> 01:04:02,872
{\an8}-letting a guy unload in his throat.
-[audience laughing]

1120
01:04:04,174 --> 01:04:07,777
{\an8}Oh, you don't know me?
You don't know me? Yeah.

1121
01:04:07,844 --> 01:04:11,648
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Yeah. Kill Tony.

1122
01:04:11,715 --> 01:04:16,152
{\an8}-Please, someone, fucking kill Tony.
-[audience laughing]

1123
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:19,656
{\an8}Tony, nothing you say
tonight will hurt my feelings.

1124
01:04:19,723 --> 01:04:23,660
{\an8}I was in a beef with Kanye,
so I've taken shots from better gay Nazis.

1125
01:04:23,727 --> 01:04:30,133
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Thank you. Yeah.

1126
01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:34,104
{\an8}-What's left of Lizzo is here.
-[audience laughing]

1127
01:04:34,170 --> 01:04:36,773
{\an8}Either that or Eddie Murphy
just premiered the newest clump.

1128
01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:37,974
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1129
01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:40,410
{\an8}[Pete] Hercules! Hercules! No.

1130
01:04:44,581 --> 01:04:48,818
{\an8}Lizzo mostly dates men,
but identifies as LGB-B-Q

1131
01:04:48,885 --> 01:04:53,123
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1132
01:04:55,325 --> 01:04:56,659
{\an8}Chelsea Handler is here.

1133
01:04:56,726 --> 01:04:59,429
{\an8}Thanks for saying nice things about me.
That was nice.

1134
01:04:59,496 --> 01:05:03,867
{\an8}Chelsea is so old that when she blew
50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

1135
01:05:05,969 --> 01:05:10,507
{\an8}-Regina Hall is here. Pass.
-[audience laughing]

1136
01:05:10,573 --> 01:05:13,676
{\an8}Na’im Lynn, also pass.

1137
01:05:13,743 --> 01:05:18,348
{\an8}Hi, Jeff. Jeff, you look
like the inside of a clam.

1138
01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:22,786
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1139
01:05:25,321 --> 01:05:28,892
{\an8}Jeff looks like my dad
if he somehow survived 9/11.

1140
01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:32,962
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1141
01:05:37,167 --> 01:05:40,837
{\an8}The Babadook,
I mean Sheryl Underwood is here.

1142
01:05:40,904 --> 01:05:43,006
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Hello ma'am.

1143
01:05:45,542 --> 01:05:49,746
{\an8}Sheryl has a daytime Emmy,
‘cause nobody could see her at night.

1144
01:05:49,813 --> 01:05:52,482
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1145
01:05:52,549 --> 01:05:54,818
{\an8}We play hide and seek later,
you're on my team.

1146
01:05:54,884 --> 01:05:58,054
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1147
01:05:59,689 --> 01:06:03,660
{\an8}[chuckles] I'm sorry.
By the way, guys, Sheryl isn't smiling.

1148
01:06:03,726 --> 01:06:07,497
{\an8}She's just unhinging her jaw
so she can swallow Kevin whole.

1149
01:06:07,564 --> 01:06:10,934
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1150
01:06:12,435 --> 01:06:13,770
{\an8}Big Jay is here.

1151
01:06:13,837 --> 01:06:16,906
{\an8}Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine.
Love you.

1152
01:06:16,973 --> 01:06:20,777
{\an8}Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear,
because eventually they find out

1153
01:06:20,844 --> 01:06:24,848
{\an8}-he's been recording them the whole time.
-[audience laughing]

1154
01:06:26,282 --> 01:06:28,952
{\an8}Draymond Green is here. Yeah.

1155
01:06:29,018 --> 01:06:31,888
[audience cheering, applauding]

1156
01:06:31,955 --> 01:06:36,392
Why do you look blacker than usual?
Is it because you got burnt by the suns?

1157
01:06:36,459 --> 01:06:39,329
-[audience laughing]
-[Pete] Ooh. Ooh.

1158
01:06:40,463 --> 01:06:44,801
{\an8}-Thanks. Yeah. Yeah.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1159
01:06:44,868 --> 01:06:46,269
{\an8}Draymond's so dirty,

1160
01:06:46,336 --> 01:06:49,305
{\an8}even Magic Johnson refuses
to play with him.

1161
01:06:49,372 --> 01:06:51,708
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1162
01:06:51,774 --> 01:06:54,077
{\an8}And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

1163
01:06:55,078 --> 01:06:57,680
{\an8}-Yep. I love you too, buddy.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1164
01:06:57,747 --> 01:07:01,184
{\an8}What can you say about Kevin
that hasn't already been yelled out

1165
01:07:01,251 --> 01:07:06,389
{\an8}-by a guy with Tourette's at the BAFTAs?
-[audience laughing]

1166
01:07:11,895 --> 01:07:16,699
{\an8}-Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop.
-[audience laughing]

1167
01:07:19,602 --> 01:07:24,207
{\an8}You know, I get lumped in a lot
with Kevin because we both performed

1168
01:07:24,274 --> 01:07:26,009
{\an8}at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

1169
01:07:26,075 --> 01:07:29,279
{\an8}But the difference is, Kevin went
to Saudi Arabia for a day's work.

1170
01:07:29,345 --> 01:07:31,748
{\an8}Well, I've been owed
that money since I was seven.

1171
01:07:31,814 --> 01:07:37,720
{\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Yes, thank you.

1172
01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:41,157
{\an8}Yeah, that's all I wanted to do.

1173
01:07:42,892 --> 01:07:45,962
{\an8}[chuckles] First of all, I just want
to say I love you very much.

1174
01:07:46,029 --> 01:07:49,499
{\an8}You've always been super nice to me.
We actually met at the Bieber roast,

1175
01:07:49,566 --> 01:07:51,901
{\an8}which is super cool that now it's this.

1176
01:07:53,169 --> 01:07:56,773
{\an8}You're a very hardworking person,
and when it's all said and done, you know,

1177
01:07:56,839 --> 01:07:59,709
{\an8}in the comedy world, what's most important
is you'll be remembered.

1178
01:07:59,776 --> 01:08:03,046
{\an8}And I think that's fucking something.
So, thanks for having me.

1179
01:08:03,112 --> 01:08:10,019
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1180
01:08:12,789 --> 01:08:15,592
{\an8}Yeah, Pete, hell yeah.
Give it up for Pete, he just killed.

1181
01:08:15,658 --> 01:08:20,063
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Fuck yeah, Pete.

1182
01:08:21,564 --> 01:08:22,966
{\an8}Now, we're gonna talk
about Draymond Green.

1183
01:08:23,032 --> 01:08:24,400
{\an8}Draymond Green is here.

1184
01:08:25,835 --> 01:08:27,403
Yeah, fuck him.

1185
01:08:31,140 --> 01:08:33,776
{\an8}Draymond Green has
four NBA championships

1186
01:08:33,843 --> 01:08:36,546
{\an8}the way Ringo Starr
has 11 number one albums.

1187
01:08:36,613 --> 01:08:41,517
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1188
01:08:41,584 --> 01:08:42,819
{\an8}Draymond's always taking credit

1189
01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:45,822
{\an8}for the accomplishments
of his more talented friends.

1190
01:08:45,888 --> 01:08:49,726
{\an8}-See, Jeff? It's not just you.
-[audience laughing]

1191
01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,762
{\an8}Draymond is the first player
to make four All-Star teams

1192
01:08:52,829 --> 01:08:56,265
{\an8}-for just setting picks.
-[audience laughing]

1193
01:08:56,332 --> 01:08:59,302
{\an8}Thought that would get more.
Fuck you guys. You don't know ball.

1194
01:08:59,369 --> 01:09:01,938
{\an8}-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

1195
01:09:02,005 --> 01:09:04,040
{\an8}Go ahead, make some noise.
Draymond Green, everybody.

1196
01:09:04,107 --> 01:09:07,343
{\an8}-Give it up for Draymond.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1197
01:09:07,410 --> 01:09:10,179
{\an8}[rendition
of "X Gon' Give It To Ya" playing]

1198
01:09:19,989 --> 01:09:21,691
{\an8}I think this is the part
where I'm supposed to say,

1199
01:09:21,758 --> 01:09:25,795
{\an8}-"Fuck all of you for booing me."
-[audience laughing, booing]

1200
01:09:25,862 --> 01:09:29,232
-But I actually…
-[audience laughing, booing]

1201
01:09:30,767 --> 01:09:33,503
{\an8}But I actually need y'all to laugh
at these jokes they wrote for me,

1202
01:09:33,569 --> 01:09:36,305
{\an8}so y'all love apologies, I'm sorry, okay?

1203
01:09:37,840 --> 01:09:40,309
{\an8}I know I probably seem
a little uncomfortable up here,

1204
01:09:40,376 --> 01:09:42,078
{\an8}but I'm in the NBA.

1205
01:09:42,145 --> 01:09:44,547
{\an8}I'm not used to working around
this many white people.

1206
01:09:44,614 --> 01:09:48,017
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

1207
01:09:50,053 --> 01:09:55,725
{\an8}Kevin, you let all these white boys
talk bad about us, our culture,

1208
01:09:55,792 --> 01:09:59,095
{\an8}our beautiful Black women.
You fucking sell out.

1209
01:09:59,162 --> 01:10:04,233
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you.

1210
01:10:05,334 --> 01:10:08,337
{\an8}And I'm putting cases
on all you white motherfuckers.

1211
01:10:08,404 --> 01:10:12,341
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Shane Gillis, look at you.

1212
01:10:13,376 --> 01:10:14,777
{\an8}Big pastry face.

1213
01:10:16,946 --> 01:10:21,884
{\an8}That mustache.
You look like a 1930s baseball card.

1214
01:10:21,951 --> 01:10:26,022
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1215
01:10:27,190 --> 01:10:30,893
{\an8}If you look closely at Jeff Ross,
you'll notice he has no eyebrows.

1216
01:10:32,595 --> 01:10:35,364
{\an8}They were lost when he went through
Kevin Hart's windshield.

1217
01:10:35,431 --> 01:10:39,168
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1218
01:10:39,235 --> 01:10:43,473
{\an8}If Kevin Hart had a video game,
they'd call it "Grand Theft-- Uh-oh."

1219
01:10:43,539 --> 01:10:47,043
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1220
01:10:47,110 --> 01:10:48,778
{\an8}Tony Hinchcliffe, what's up man?

1221
01:10:50,279 --> 01:10:52,982
{\an8}Always flexing that he grew up
in the hood.

1222
01:10:53,049 --> 01:10:56,486
{\an8}Well, yeah, that's what you were
to a fucking cross burning.

1223
01:10:56,552 --> 01:10:59,422
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1224
01:10:59,489 --> 01:11:01,124
{\an8}[Draymond] Pete Davidson's here.

1225
01:11:02,658 --> 01:11:08,531
{\an8}-Pete Davidson's here. Why?
-[audience laughing]

1226
01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:10,133
{\an8}You fucked a Kardashian.

1227
01:11:11,734 --> 01:11:13,336
{\an8}You have those big ass lips

1228
01:11:13,402 --> 01:11:15,571
{\an8}and terrible fucking
decision-making skills.

1229
01:11:16,839 --> 01:11:18,875
{\an8}You get an N word pass.

1230
01:11:18,941 --> 01:11:21,978
{\an8}It's only good for an hour,
and use it wisely.

1231
01:11:22,044 --> 01:11:26,082
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

1232
01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:35,491
{\an8}I'll tell you who's having
a terrible Mother's Day.

1233
01:11:36,526 --> 01:11:41,297
{\an8}-Chelsea Handler's kids.
-[audience laughing]

1234
01:11:41,364 --> 01:11:43,266
{\an8}Chelsea's had so many abortions,

1235
01:11:43,332 --> 01:11:46,302
{\an8}she's killed more innocent Blacks
than the LAPD.

1236
01:11:46,369 --> 01:11:47,637
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1237
01:11:47,703 --> 01:11:50,373
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1238
01:11:50,439 --> 01:11:52,508
{\an8}Listen, I did not write these jokes.

1239
01:11:52,575 --> 01:11:54,877
{\an8}Chelsea, you were really nice to me.
I'm sorry.

1240
01:11:57,180 --> 01:12:00,683
{\an8}In her defense,
several of them were armed.

1241
01:12:00,750 --> 01:12:03,219
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1242
01:12:03,286 --> 01:12:07,623
{\an8}I should stop here. [laughs]

1243
01:12:07,690 --> 01:12:11,527
{\an8}And no, no, go back.
We're not done. [chuckles]

1244
01:12:11,594 --> 01:12:13,029
{\an8}Not fucking done here.

1245
01:12:13,095 --> 01:12:17,767
{\an8}And no, I never have and never
will smash Chelsea Handler.

1246
01:12:17,834 --> 01:12:20,670
{\an8}I'm Draymond Green.
I don't hit threes.

1247
01:12:20,736 --> 01:12:23,172
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1248
01:12:34,684 --> 01:12:37,520
{\an8}[chuckles] You might have seen
that three-point shootout

1249
01:12:37,587 --> 01:12:40,323
{\an8}I did with Kevin. He was awful.

1250
01:12:41,390 --> 01:12:44,594
{\an8}Kevin, you put up enough bricks
to build your dad a new crack house.

1251
01:12:44,660 --> 01:12:47,363
{\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[speaks indistinctly]

1252
01:12:48,831 --> 01:12:53,236
{\an8}Just so Kevin didn't look terrible,
they deliberately had me miss shots.

1253
01:12:53,302 --> 01:12:58,241
{\an8}I'm like, "Sure, anyone can blow
a shot, right, Kev?" [chuckles]

1254
01:12:58,307 --> 01:12:59,909
{\an8}Like when you blew your shot
at the Oscars.

1255
01:12:59,976 --> 01:13:02,345
-Oh, you son of a bitch.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1256
01:13:02,411 --> 01:13:03,746
What the fuck is your issue, man?

1257
01:13:03,813 --> 01:13:05,514
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[Draymond laughs]

1258
01:13:05,581 --> 01:13:08,718
{\an8}Kevin and I are boys.
We play poker together. [chuckles]

1259
01:13:08,784 --> 01:13:12,154
{\an8}When we first started playing,
he didn't know anything.

1260
01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:13,890
{\an8}I had to explain.

1261
01:13:13,956 --> 01:13:16,926
{\an8}A straight flush is
what you should have done

1262
01:13:16,993 --> 01:13:18,561
{\an8}with that <i>Get Hard</i> script.

1263
01:13:18,628 --> 01:13:20,496
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1264
01:13:20,563 --> 01:13:23,232
{\an8}[Draymond] You should have flushed
that piece of shit.

1265
01:13:24,333 --> 01:13:26,402
{\an8}[chuckles] Kevin is terrible at cards.

1266
01:13:26,469 --> 01:13:29,672
{\an8}He's gotten better,
but he's still fucking terrible.

1267
01:13:29,739 --> 01:13:33,910
{\an8}He plays poker the way he makes
all his movies, bet it all on a flop.

1268
01:13:33,976 --> 01:13:35,544
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1269
01:13:38,948 --> 01:13:42,051
{\an8}We always clean him out,
because if you pay attention,

1270
01:13:42,118 --> 01:13:44,787
{\an8}Kevin has a subtle tell.

1271
01:13:44,854 --> 01:13:46,756
{\an8}[imitates Kevin] "Oh, shit, pocket kings."

1272
01:13:46,822 --> 01:13:48,557
{\an8}-"I'm gonna beat all you motherfuckers."
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1273
01:13:48,624 --> 01:13:51,093
{\an8}-"Dumb bitches, it's me, motherfuckers."
-[laughs]

1274
01:13:55,564 --> 01:13:58,067
[chuckles] And you can always tell
when Kevin's bluffing.

1275
01:13:58,134 --> 01:14:00,870
Like when he says
how great the next special is gonna be.

1276
01:14:00,937 --> 01:14:03,806
[audience laughing]

1277
01:14:03,873 --> 01:14:05,608
I've seen all of Kevin's movies.

1278
01:14:05,675 --> 01:14:08,344
It's the only time I can go to a theater,

1279
01:14:08,411 --> 01:14:11,314
and the people sitting behind me
don't mind me blocking their view.

1280
01:14:11,380 --> 01:14:13,616
[audience laughing, applauding]

1281
01:14:13,683 --> 01:14:17,586
{\an8}During <i>Borderlands,</i>
I heard someone yell, "Up in front!"

1282
01:14:17,653 --> 01:14:19,956
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1283
01:14:22,058 --> 01:14:23,259
{\an8}They didn't write a joke for Na'im.

1284
01:14:23,326 --> 01:14:26,295
{\an8}They didn't-- The writers didn't know
who the fuck you were.

1285
01:14:27,630 --> 01:14:30,433
{\an8}But I'm here for you,
Kev, because we're family.

1286
01:14:31,634 --> 01:14:35,237
People don't know this, but my wife
and your wife are cousins.

1287
01:14:36,272 --> 01:14:40,042
They say you can choose your friends,
but you can't choose your family.

1288
01:14:40,109 --> 01:14:43,446
{\an8}If I could do that,
I'd be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast.

1289
01:14:43,512 --> 01:14:44,613
{\an8}-Thank y'all.
-[speaks indistinctly]

1290
01:14:44,680 --> 01:14:47,516
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding, cheering]

1291
01:14:55,524 --> 01:14:56,959
{\an8}Great job, Draymond.

1292
01:14:58,094 --> 01:14:59,228
{\an8}Way to go, Draymond.

1293
01:15:00,830 --> 01:15:02,198
{\an8}Here we go now, Draymond.

1294
01:15:04,567 --> 01:15:07,003
{\an8}-It's pretty good, fuck. All right.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1295
01:15:07,069 --> 01:15:11,340
{\an8}Uh… [laughs] …next guy is,
uh, Big Jay Oakerson.

1296
01:15:11,407 --> 01:15:14,610
{\an8}-Now, a lot of people, yeah, hell, yeah.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1297
01:15:14,677 --> 01:15:16,045
{\an8}A lot of people don't know this,

1298
01:15:16,112 --> 01:15:19,048
{\an8}but Big Jay actually got
his start playing banjo

1299
01:15:19,115 --> 01:15:21,684
{\an8}with the other animatronic bears
on Splash Mountain.

1300
01:15:21,751 --> 01:15:23,786
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

1301
01:15:24,987 --> 01:15:28,324
{\an8}Jay and Kevin were
once best friends.

1302
01:15:28,391 --> 01:15:31,060
{\an8}Jay, if it makes you feel any better,
if Kevin didn't abandon you,

1303
01:15:31,127 --> 01:15:33,529
{\an8}you would have just ended up
like fucking Na'im Lynn.

1304
01:15:33,596 --> 01:15:35,131
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1305
01:15:36,465 --> 01:15:40,236
{\an8}All right, I thought
that was pretty funny, okay.

1306
01:15:40,302 --> 01:15:43,339
{\an8}Uh, for real, I do love you
and I hope this goes well for you.

1307
01:15:43,406 --> 01:15:46,609
{\an8}You're the fucking man… [laughs]
…make some noise, Big Jay Oakerson.

1308
01:15:46,675 --> 01:15:49,712
{\an8}-[upbeat music playing]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1309
01:15:54,216 --> 01:15:58,287
{\an8}Oh, thank you. What's up?
Thank you, Roots.

1310
01:15:59,889 --> 01:16:03,692
{\an8}Hear it for them. What, is this place
falling the fuck asleep?

1311
01:16:03,759 --> 01:16:06,695
{\an8}Let's fucking go, everyone.
What a crowd, goddamn.

1312
01:16:06,762 --> 01:16:12,668
{\an8}T-Pain, fucking MGK,
John fucking Stamos.

1313
01:16:12,735 --> 01:16:15,738
{\an8}-Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast?
-[audience laughing]

1314
01:16:15,805 --> 01:16:18,874
{\an8}He is? John Stamos is your friend.

1315
01:16:18,941 --> 01:16:20,643
{\an8}-[Kevin] Yes.
-There were no Black people on <i>Full House.</i>

1316
01:16:20,709 --> 01:16:22,845
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1317
01:16:22,912 --> 01:16:26,248
{\an8}Shane Gillis, how good is Shane Gillis
doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

1318
01:16:26,315 --> 01:16:28,484
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1319
01:16:28,551 --> 01:16:31,220
Isn't Shane what we all thought
Schwarzenegger and the maid's kid

1320
01:16:31,287 --> 01:16:33,823
{\an8}-was gonna look like?
-[audience laughing]

1321
01:16:33,889 --> 01:16:36,292
{\an8}A big lummoxed body
with a Mexican lady mustache?

1322
01:16:36,358 --> 01:16:38,961
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1323
01:16:39,028 --> 01:16:41,831
{\an8}Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General
is here, everybody.

1324
01:16:41,897 --> 01:16:44,233
{\an8}-[audience applauding, cheering]
-[speaks indistinctly]

1325
01:16:44,300 --> 01:16:48,737
{\an8}Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile,
God sure thought you were gonna be.

1326
01:16:49,872 --> 01:16:53,876
{\an8}Because why would he make your face
look like a thumbprint cookie? You…

1327
01:16:53,943 --> 01:16:58,714
{\an8}Jeff Ross looks like he ferries people
to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon.

1328
01:16:58,781 --> 01:17:01,484
{\an8}And I wrote that without even knowing
how he was gonna dress tonight.

1329
01:17:01,550 --> 01:17:06,522
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1330
01:17:06,589 --> 01:17:09,525
{\an8}The queen of roasting
is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser,

1331
01:17:09,592 --> 01:17:13,863
{\an8}of course, because it's Chelsea Handler's
week with the substance.

1332
01:17:13,929 --> 01:17:15,931
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

1333
01:17:17,700 --> 01:17:20,136
{\an8}They each get one week,
you can't cross over.

1334
01:17:23,606 --> 01:17:25,841
{\an8}Handler, you old bag of Botox.

1335
01:17:25,908 --> 01:17:27,910
{\an8}I feel like you're a girl
that I would call by her last name

1336
01:17:27,977 --> 01:17:29,645
{\an8}if I knew you better. "Handler."

1337
01:17:29,712 --> 01:17:33,349
{\an8}You know, Handler here
famously had sex with 50 Cent

1338
01:17:33,415 --> 01:17:36,352
{\an8}and Asian-American comedian Jo Koy.

1339
01:17:36,418 --> 01:17:39,922
{\an8}Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem
with regular-sized dicks?

1340
01:17:39,989 --> 01:17:42,992
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Do you have to try them all out first?

1341
01:17:45,094 --> 01:17:47,062
-Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent sex.
-[chuckles]

1342
01:17:47,129 --> 01:17:49,899
{\an8}What do you guys think that smells like?
I bet you got some ideas.

1343
01:17:49,965 --> 01:17:51,967
{\an8}-I wrote a few down.
-[audience laughing]

1344
01:17:54,069 --> 01:17:59,808
{\an8}Lilac and corn chips.
Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

1345
01:17:59,875 --> 01:18:03,012
{\an8}-Logan Berry and fired gun.
-[audience laughing]

1346
01:18:03,078 --> 01:18:06,282
{\an8}Old hands and new sneakers.
You could play at home if you want.

1347
01:18:07,750 --> 01:18:12,054
{\an8}Pumpkin spice and P Diddy rumors.


1348
01:18:12,121 --> 01:18:14,490
-[clicks tongue]
-[audience laughing]

1349
01:18:14,557 --> 01:18:16,292
{\an8}Sheryl Underwood is here.

1350
01:18:16,358 --> 01:18:19,094
{\an8}-Sheryl Underwood, a comedy legend.
-[audience applauding, cheering]

1351
01:18:19,161 --> 01:18:23,933
{\an8}And a beautiful Black woman,
with the word "Black" in bold italics.

1352
01:18:23,999 --> 01:18:27,469
{\an8}Sheryl Underwood is as Black
as the road is black.

1353
01:18:27,536 --> 01:18:31,640
{\an8}She looks like somebody made a genie wish
for a puddle of mud to come to life.

1354
01:18:33,209 --> 01:18:36,712
{\an8}[chuckles] Sheryl Underwood is as Black
as interstellar phenomenon.

1355
01:18:36,779 --> 01:18:38,314
{\an8}If she stood against a brick wall,

1356
01:18:38,380 --> 01:18:40,149
{\an8}the roadrunner could run
right through her.

1357
01:18:40,216 --> 01:18:41,884
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1358
01:18:41,951 --> 01:18:44,687
{\an8}Sheryl Underwood is so Black,
we had to bring on Draymond Green

1359
01:18:44,753 --> 01:18:46,855
{\an8}just to color-balance the fucking cameras.

1360
01:18:46,922 --> 01:18:49,225
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

1361
01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:56,098
{\an8}[Sheryl speaks indistinctly]

1362
01:18:56,165 --> 01:18:57,499
{\an8}We became friends earlier.

1363
01:18:59,168 --> 01:19:01,070
{\an8}My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

1364
01:19:01,136 --> 01:19:03,072
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1365
01:19:04,206 --> 01:19:07,076
{\an8}Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here!
Make some noise, God damn.

1366
01:19:07,142 --> 01:19:10,279
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1367
01:19:10,346 --> 01:19:13,716
{\an8}A lot of people might not remember,
but Tony actually got cancelled one time

1368
01:19:13,782 --> 01:19:18,220
{\an8}by his very own Asian opener
for calling Tony a racist, yeah.

1369
01:19:18,287 --> 01:19:22,558
{\an8}And then Tony hired a new Asian opener
to prove that he wasn't a racist.

1370
01:19:22,625 --> 01:19:24,994
{\an8}which I thought
was the original Asian opener

1371
01:19:25,060 --> 01:19:28,530
{\an8}-because I'm a racist.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1372
01:19:32,368 --> 01:19:35,037
{\an8}How about Tony's mouth, by the way?
All the mouths over here.

1373
01:19:35,104 --> 01:19:39,808
{\an8}Pete Davidson's fucking mouth is crazy.
I've known Pete since he was 17 years old.

1374
01:19:39,875 --> 01:19:41,777
{\an8}I always dreamed that one day
his head and body would grow

1375
01:19:41,844 --> 01:19:47,049
{\an8}-into his teeth and dick.
-[audience laughing, cheering]

1376
01:19:47,116 --> 01:19:48,751
{\an8}Between Tony, Pete, Sheryl,
we don't need chairs up here.

1377
01:19:48,817 --> 01:19:50,185
{\an8}We need fucking stables.

1378
01:19:51,754 --> 01:19:54,823
{\an8}Thank God we kept them all
over here before they buck Handler.

1379
01:19:57,459 --> 01:20:00,362
{\an8}You know, Lizzo, how about that?
How crazy is that?

1380
01:20:00,429 --> 01:20:02,398
{\an8}-Lizzo probably doesn't even know this.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1381
01:20:02,464 --> 01:20:05,301
{\an8}She doesn't even know this,
but we were in a movie together.

1382
01:20:05,367 --> 01:20:08,470
{\an8}We were in the movie<i> Hustlers</i>
where I played a strip club DJ

1383
01:20:08,537 --> 01:20:14,343
{\an8}and Lizzo very bravely portrayed
a stripper, very bravely.

1384
01:20:14,410 --> 01:20:15,411
In fact, it was so brave

1385
01:20:15,477 --> 01:20:17,246
{\an8}that every time she'd come on set
in her stripper outfit,

1386
01:20:17,313 --> 01:20:19,682
{\an8}I would get in trouble
for starting slow claps.

1387
01:20:19,748 --> 01:20:24,153
[audience laughs]

1388
01:20:30,426 --> 01:20:32,194
{\an8}And finally, the reason
that we're all here,

1389
01:20:32,261 --> 01:20:34,730
{\an8}the one, the only,
my boy Kevin Hart, everyone.

1390
01:20:38,934 --> 01:20:41,170
{\an8}I've known Kevin
for twenty-eight years now,

1391
01:20:41,236 --> 01:20:44,106
{\an8}and it's a strange thing
because I only actually knew him

1392
01:20:44,173 --> 01:20:48,811
{\an8}for the first five years,
so I know pre-famous Kev.

1393
01:20:48,877 --> 01:20:50,979
{\an8}I don't know famous Kevin at all.

1394
01:20:51,046 --> 01:20:54,083
{\an8}Famous Kevin is sitting
on sixty-seven unanswered texts

1395
01:20:54,149 --> 01:20:57,653
{\an8}from me, up
to and including, "Hey, Kev,

1396
01:20:57,720 --> 01:21:00,389
{\an8}super psyched for the roast,
thanks for including me."

1397
01:21:03,525 --> 01:21:05,928
{\an8}I don't know
the guy farting out Fabletics ads

1398
01:21:05,994 --> 01:21:07,629
{\an8}or staring down
the dick hole

1399
01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:10,799
{\an8}of General Insurance hype man
Shaquille O'Neal or…

1400
01:21:12,501 --> 01:21:14,636
shoving your fucking
dumb tequila down our throats.

1401
01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:17,139
I know the person, Kevin Hart.

1402
01:21:17,206 --> 01:21:21,343
And I have a story I wanted to close
on about Kev that means…

1403
01:21:21,410 --> 01:21:22,444
[chuckles]

1404
01:21:23,479 --> 01:21:25,547
{\an8}This is actually emotional,
this is good.

1405
01:21:26,582 --> 01:21:27,916
{\an8}In 2012,

1406
01:21:32,488 --> 01:21:36,792
Hurricane Sandy devastated me.
I lived in Long Island, New York.

1407
01:21:36,859 --> 01:21:40,963
I lost-- The place I was living
was all fucked up and my car.

1408
01:21:43,499 --> 01:21:45,300
{\an8}I had no money.

1409
01:21:45,367 --> 01:21:48,604
{\an8}I was broke and with my wife
and my daughter,

1410
01:21:48,670 --> 01:21:49,905
{\an8}and just a humiliating time.

1411
01:21:49,972 --> 01:21:52,441
{\an8}And as word started
to spread that I got fucked up

1412
01:21:52,508 --> 01:21:56,645
{\an8}by this hurricane so bad, I started
getting phone calls after years,

1413
01:21:56,712 --> 01:22:00,449
{\an8}from Kev, and I kept seeing his number,
and I wouldn't answer.

1414
01:22:00,516 --> 01:22:03,752
I was too full of ego
and pride and like…

1415
01:22:03,819 --> 01:22:05,387
[Kevin laughs]

1416
01:22:07,156 --> 01:22:08,724
I was too embarrassed to take his calls.

1417
01:22:08,791 --> 01:22:11,260
I knew he was going to try to come in
and save the day and give me money

1418
01:22:11,326 --> 01:22:13,962
or something, and I was just,
I didn't want to deal with it.

1419
01:22:14,029 --> 01:22:18,033
And then I got a phone call
from our mentor.

1420
01:22:18,100 --> 01:22:21,870
Me and Kev had the same mentor,
who is an amazing guy.

1421
01:22:21,937 --> 01:22:25,774
{\an8}The guy who helped so many comics
come up and probably the reason

1422
01:22:25,841 --> 01:22:28,310
{\an8}that me and you are even
standing here today,

1423
01:22:28,377 --> 01:22:30,746
{\an8}the guy who taught us everything,
our mentor,

1424
01:22:30,813 --> 01:22:32,781
{\an8}the late, great Keith Robinson.

1425
01:22:32,848 --> 01:22:35,717
[Kevin laughs] No, he's still alive.

1426
01:22:38,554 --> 01:22:40,088
[audience laughs]

1427
01:22:43,225 --> 01:22:46,929
[Kevin] He's still alive.
He's still alive, man.

1428
01:22:49,465 --> 01:22:50,532
[Jay] He's still alive?

1429
01:22:50,599 --> 01:22:52,801
{\an8}-[Kevin] He's still alive, Jay.
-Oh.

1430
01:22:52,868 --> 01:22:54,570
He died to me after you got famous.

1431
01:22:54,636 --> 01:22:58,207
{\an8}-[audience laughs]
-Hey, Keith.

1432
01:22:59,374 --> 01:23:00,375
{\an8}Well…

1433
01:23:02,110 --> 01:23:03,645
{\an8}Well, anyway, Keith called me.

1434
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,852
{\an8}And I answered the phone for Keith.

1435
01:23:10,953 --> 01:23:14,857
{\an8}And Keith, in his old seventies
pimp voice said, he goes, "Hey."

1436
01:23:14,923 --> 01:23:17,860
{\an8}"Answer the phone for Kev.
He's trying to call you."

1437
01:23:17,926 --> 01:23:19,094
{\an8}"He wants to help you out."

1438
01:23:19,161 --> 01:23:21,864
{\an8}And I said, "No,
I'm not answering the phone."

1439
01:23:21,930 --> 01:23:23,232
{\an8}"I know he's trying to give me money."

1440
01:23:23,298 --> 01:23:25,167
{\an8}"It's going to make me feel
uncomfortable."

1441
01:23:25,234 --> 01:23:27,803
{\an8}"I'm embarrassed. I can't do it."

1442
01:23:27,870 --> 01:23:31,440
{\an8}And then Keith told me,
he goes, "Come on, man, stop."

1443
01:23:31,507 --> 01:23:33,742
{\an8}He's trying to give you
ten thousand dollars.

1444
01:23:36,144 --> 01:23:40,082
{\an8}And that, like, at the time,
that was a gazillion dollars to me.

1445
01:23:40,148 --> 01:23:41,083
{\an8}It was everything.

1446
01:23:41,149 --> 01:23:43,051
{\an8}And I said, "No, I can't take it.
It's too much."

1447
01:23:43,118 --> 01:23:44,786
{\an8}"I can't pay it back."

1448
01:23:44,853 --> 01:23:46,688
{\an8}And he said, "He's not trying
to get you to pay it back,

1449
01:23:46,755 --> 01:23:49,558
{\an8}he wants to give it to you."
And I said, "No, I can't do it."

1450
01:23:49,625 --> 01:23:51,660
{\an8}"It's insane, it's too much money."

1451
01:23:51,727 --> 01:23:57,099
{\an8}And then Keith, in his wise words,
said to me, "It's insultingly low."

1452
01:23:57,165 --> 01:24:00,702
{\an8}[audience laughs]

1453
01:24:03,639 --> 01:24:06,375
{\an8}And in hindsight, he's right.
Ten thousand--

1454
01:24:06,441 --> 01:24:09,478
{\an8}He'd already done <i>Ride Along,</i>
five, six movies, easy already.

1455
01:24:12,881 --> 01:24:14,983
{\an8}But whether it was low or not,
what it did was, Kev,

1456
01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:17,920
{\an8}it got me back on my feet enough
that I was able

1457
01:24:17,986 --> 01:24:22,357
{\an8}to get my wife and daughter back
into our apartment.

1458
01:24:22,424 --> 01:24:24,159
{\an8}And then I was able
to take the rest of that money,

1459
01:24:24,226 --> 01:24:26,461
{\an8}and in true Kevin Hart fashion,

1460
01:24:26,528 --> 01:24:28,597
{\an8}immediately leave my first family.

1461
01:24:28,664 --> 01:24:30,132
{\an8}[audience laughs]

1462
01:24:30,198 --> 01:24:32,701
{\an8}So thank you, Kev,
for sending me on my way, my man.

1463
01:24:32,768 --> 01:24:34,002
I love you so much.

1464
01:24:35,404 --> 01:24:36,605
Thank you for having me.

1465
01:24:36,672 --> 01:24:39,908
[cheering and applause]

1466
01:24:43,712 --> 01:24:45,247
{\an8}Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

1467
01:24:45,314 --> 01:24:46,548
{\an8}Keep it going for Jay.

1468
01:24:51,253 --> 01:24:54,556
{\an8}We asked Teyana Taylor to be here
at the roast tonight,

1469
01:24:54,623 --> 01:24:58,927
{\an8}but she sent a letter
explaining why she couldn't be here.

1470
01:24:58,994 --> 01:25:02,698
{\an8}Now to read that letter, please welcome
Teyana Taylor, everybody.

1471
01:25:02,764 --> 01:25:06,134
-[cheering and applause]
-[upbeat music playing]

1472
01:25:18,347 --> 01:25:20,349
{\an8}[music concludes]

1473
01:25:20,415 --> 01:25:21,917
{\an8}Thank you, thank you.

1474
01:25:27,723 --> 01:25:30,225
{\an8}[audience continues cheering]

1475
01:25:41,803 --> 01:25:47,142
{\an8}Dear Kevin, first of all,
what's up, bitch?

1476
01:25:49,611 --> 01:25:52,481
{\an8}Two plus two not
knowing what the fuck it is, bitch.

1477
01:25:54,182 --> 01:25:57,786
{\an8}Built like you asked for one adult ticket
with confidence, bitch.

1478
01:25:57,853 --> 01:26:00,055
{\an8}-[audience chuckling]
-How you doing?

1479
01:26:00,122 --> 01:26:01,556
{\an8}Kevin, I'm writing you this letter
from my kitchen

1480
01:26:01,623 --> 01:26:04,660
{\an8}because one of your movies
is playing in my living room right now,

1481
01:26:04,726 --> 01:26:07,229
{\an8}and my five-year-old yelled out
that you was built like you came

1482
01:26:07,295 --> 01:26:09,931
{\an8}with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car.

1483
01:26:09,998 --> 01:26:12,868
{\an8}My ten-year-old asked,
"Mommy if Uncle Kev is five-three

1484
01:26:12,934 --> 01:26:15,337
{\an8}and I'm four-ten,
how am I still taller than him?"

1485
01:26:15,404 --> 01:26:17,139
{\an8}-And…
-[audience cheering]

1486
01:26:18,473 --> 01:26:22,678
{\an8}And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer that.
Just couldn't answer that.

1487
01:26:22,744 --> 01:26:24,546
{\an8}Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight

1488
01:26:24,613 --> 01:26:26,682
{\an8}because I didn't want to show off the--

1489
01:26:26,748 --> 01:26:28,483
{\an8}you know, I didn't want to throw off
the balance of the dais

1490
01:26:28,550 --> 01:26:33,388
{\an8}by adding Oscar nominee, Time Woman
of the Year, Golden Globe winner,

1491
01:26:33,455 --> 01:26:35,857
{\an8}-you know, to the lineup.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1492
01:26:35,924 --> 01:26:41,630
{\an8}That just… That just wouldn't be fair
to anybody, especially you.

1493
01:26:41,697 --> 01:26:45,567
{\an8}See, I feel like roasting you
is kind of beneath me, you know?

1494
01:26:45,634 --> 01:26:48,203
{\an8}I know it's kind of like a foreign thing,
a foreign concept,

1495
01:26:48,270 --> 01:26:51,707
{\an8}because it's literally nothing
that is beneath you, but still.

1496
01:26:51,773 --> 01:26:53,341
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1497
01:26:53,408 --> 01:26:55,644
{\an8}I would never say something so hateful

1498
01:26:55,711 --> 01:26:57,813
{\an8}like "I starred
in <i>One Battle After Another</i>

1499
01:26:57,879 --> 01:27:01,283
{\an8}while Kevin's career
has been one bomb after another."

1500
01:27:01,349 --> 01:27:04,986
{\an8}I mean, that would just be so cruel,
you know?

1501
01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:11,159
{\an8}I would never do that, Kev.
That's Rotten Tomatoes' job, but unlike…

1502
01:27:11,226 --> 01:27:12,227
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1503
01:27:12,294 --> 01:27:15,497
{\an8}But unlike those very fair
and balanced critics,

1504
01:27:15,564 --> 01:27:18,066
{\an8}I actually respect you a little bit.

1505
01:27:18,133 --> 01:27:20,235
{\an8}That's why I asked you
to present me with my award

1506
01:27:20,302 --> 01:27:22,204
{\an8}at Elle Woman in Hollywood.

1507
01:27:22,270 --> 01:27:24,740
{\an8}But you was fake busy,
talking about some, "I tried,

1508
01:27:24,806 --> 01:27:27,375
{\an8}I tried, <i>Jumanji </i>doing reshoots,
head ass…" Shut up!

1509
01:27:28,643 --> 01:27:32,547
{\an8}The fuck? So with that being said,
why would I come to your shit?

1510
01:27:32,614 --> 01:27:36,351
{\an8}Well, to be the bigger person, obviously.

1511
01:27:37,185 --> 01:27:40,322
{\an8}Which honestly
isn't really hard around you.

1512
01:27:40,388 --> 01:27:43,425
{\an8}But most importantly,

1513
01:27:43,492 --> 01:27:46,795
{\an8}Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money
to write this letter.

1514
01:27:46,862 --> 01:27:48,764
{\an8}Ain't this a bitch?

1515
01:27:48,830 --> 01:27:49,898
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1516
01:27:49,965 --> 01:27:52,100
{\an8}Be my fucking friend and be here.

1517
01:27:52,167 --> 01:27:55,971
{\an8}I'm here. I'm here. I'm here
and this letter. I'm here. I'm here, here.

1518
01:27:56,037 --> 01:27:57,739
{\an8}Because I damn sure
wasn't doing this shit for free.

1519
01:27:57,806 --> 01:27:58,940
{\an8}I ain't going to hold you, Kev.

1520
01:27:59,007 --> 01:28:02,911
{\an8}But for the right price,
here I am with this heartfelt letter.

1521
01:28:02,978 --> 01:28:06,681
{\an8}Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss.
Sealed it with a kiss, baby shit.

1522
01:28:07,883 --> 01:28:09,718
{\an8}Um, you know what's so crazy?

1523
01:28:09,785 --> 01:28:12,454
{\an8}I remember when we first met,
about 15 years ago,

1524
01:28:12,521 --> 01:28:14,089
{\an8}-at a Halloween party.
-[Kevin] Yeah.

1525
01:28:14,156 --> 01:28:17,125
{\an8}I was dressed
as white boy Bob from Marketing,

1526
01:28:17,192 --> 01:28:19,728
{\an8}and you were dressed as Eddie Murphy.
Here's a photo.

1527
01:28:19,795 --> 01:28:21,463
{\an8}[audience laughs]

1528
01:28:21,530 --> 01:28:26,902
{\an8}[Kevin] Yeah. It's a good time.
We had a good time, T.

1529
01:28:26,968 --> 01:28:30,005
{\an8}We had a good time this night, T.

1530
01:28:30,071 --> 01:28:34,242
{\an8}I remember this night.
We had a good fucking time.

1531
01:28:34,309 --> 01:28:36,711
{\an8}Tell the people
that we had a good fucking time.

1532
01:28:37,813 --> 01:28:39,648
{\an8}Tell them that we had
a good fucking time, T.

1533
01:28:39,714 --> 01:28:41,716
{\an8}I got you. I got you.

1534
01:28:41,783 --> 01:28:45,287
{\an8}Man, we had a great time.
You know, look at us.

1535
01:28:45,353 --> 01:28:47,756
{\an8}Just young and, you know, like,

1536
01:28:47,823 --> 01:28:49,858
{\an8}it was really a time--
especially at a time where,

1537
01:28:49,925 --> 01:28:52,127
{\an8}like, everybody wanted
to wear the sexy costumes.

1538
01:28:52,194 --> 01:28:53,762
{\an8}Them bitches was kittens and shit.

1539
01:28:53,829 --> 01:28:55,697
{\an8}You know, and then here
our dumbasses just looking

1540
01:28:55,764 --> 01:28:59,234
{\an8}like Thomas Jefferson
and one of his unclaimed Black kids.

1541
01:28:59,301 --> 01:29:01,136
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1542
01:29:01,203 --> 01:29:05,540
{\an8}Yeah. I ain't gonna front. We both got
some audacity in that picture.

1543
01:29:05,607 --> 01:29:07,742
{\an8}But, Kevin, you…

1544
01:29:07,809 --> 01:29:13,515
{\an8}dressed up as an iconic,
funny comedian is unbelievable

1545
01:29:13,582 --> 01:29:16,885
{\an8}and is disrespectful and is inappropriate.
Don't ever do that shit again.

1546
01:29:16,952 --> 01:29:18,954
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1547
01:29:19,020 --> 01:29:20,889
{\an8}But in all seriousness,
bro, no, real shit.

1548
01:29:20,956 --> 01:29:23,225
{\an8}Bro, this is the serious part.
I'm so serious.

1549
01:29:23,291 --> 01:29:27,762
{\an8}I really, truly love you.
You are a fucking little icon.

1550
01:29:27,829 --> 01:29:31,066
{\an8}-And like…
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1551
01:29:31,132 --> 01:29:33,235
{\an8}No, I really do.
Like, you're a fucking legend,

1552
01:29:33,301 --> 01:29:35,604
{\an8}and I mean that
from the bottom of my heart,

1553
01:29:35,670 --> 01:29:38,707
{\an8}which thankfully for you
is still above your head.

1554
01:29:40,609 --> 01:29:42,911
{\an8}-I'm sorry.
-You just said you was done.

1555
01:29:42,978 --> 01:29:46,815
{\an8}You said you were done.
Be fucking sweet. Come on.

1556
01:29:46,882 --> 01:29:50,218
{\an8}Be nice to me. Come on.
Fucking, we're friends.

1557
01:29:50,285 --> 01:29:54,189
{\an8}-We're real friends. Be my fucking friend.
-My feelings is hurt.

1558
01:29:54,256 --> 01:29:56,658
{\an8}-My letter's over.
-[Kevin] Okay. Oh, no.

1559
01:29:56,725 --> 01:29:59,194
{\an8}-Sincerely yours, T.
-[Kevin] Oh, no, Teyana.

1560
01:29:59,261 --> 01:30:04,199
{\an8}No, Teyana, don't storm off.
Teyana, don't storm off.

1561
01:30:04,266 --> 01:30:06,768
{\an8}-Fuck.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1562
01:30:09,170 --> 01:30:11,006
[Kevin] Make the people give some love.

1563
01:30:11,072 --> 01:30:12,841
{\an8}Hey, keep it going for Teyana, everybody.

1564
01:30:12,908 --> 01:30:15,644
{\an8}-[Kevin] Thank you, Shane.
-Man.

1565
01:30:17,379 --> 01:30:21,216
{\an8}Thank God she's good looking, cuz boy,
is that bitch not funny at all.

1566
01:30:21,283 --> 01:30:25,420
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Also, Pete, Pete.

1567
01:30:28,356 --> 01:30:31,426
{\an8}Pete, you're the only one
that can do it. Do it, brother.

1568
01:30:31,493 --> 01:30:33,128
{\an8}Holy shit.

1569
01:30:34,462 --> 01:30:37,132
{\an8}Just don't let her read
a letter again ever. Uh…

1570
01:30:43,305 --> 01:30:46,775
{\an8}Hopefully she gets mad at me
and talks to me later. [laughs]

1571
01:30:48,843 --> 01:30:52,514
{\an8}-Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Yes.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1572
01:30:54,516 --> 01:30:57,218
{\an8}Tony reminds me
of a prince who studies gladiators.

1573
01:30:58,853 --> 01:31:02,357
{\an8}Look at the physique. Fuck yeah.

1574
01:31:02,424 --> 01:31:05,226
{\an8}I'm so fucking entertained right now.
Fuck yeah.

1575
01:31:07,128 --> 01:31:09,230
{\an8}[laughs] I thought it was funny, dude.

1576
01:31:09,297 --> 01:31:12,634
{\an8}All right, get ready to hear
some real racist jokes

1577
01:31:12,701 --> 01:31:16,237
{\an8}from a guy who truly believes them
and hopes JD Vance is watching.

1578
01:31:17,806 --> 01:31:20,909
{\an8}Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe.
Make some noise for Tony.

1579
01:31:20,976 --> 01:31:24,112
{\an8}-[upbeat music playing]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1580
01:31:27,415 --> 01:31:31,219
{\an8}Hell yeah. One more time
for Teyana Taylor, everybody.

1581
01:31:31,286 --> 01:31:33,488
{\an8}That was amazing. This roast is so ghetto,

1582
01:31:33,555 --> 01:31:37,292
{\an8}I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp
at one point during her set.

1583
01:31:39,227 --> 01:31:42,497
{\an8}Are you still watching?
One more time for Shane Gillis.

1584
01:31:42,564 --> 01:31:46,534
{\an8}He looks like the type of slave owner
that you can trick into buying Kevin Hart.

1585
01:31:48,103 --> 01:31:52,040
{\an8}-Uh, so, uh, he'll get bigger, right? Uh…
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1586
01:31:52,107 --> 01:31:57,479
{\an8}If Kevin was a slave, his song would be,
"Let My People Grow."

1587
01:31:58,747 --> 01:32:02,183
{\an8}This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying
to fill Tom Brady's shoes.

1588
01:32:02,250 --> 01:32:04,652
{\an8}A lot of extra space.

1589
01:32:04,719 --> 01:32:09,190
{\an8}That's like Pete Davidson's dick
trying to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina.

1590
01:32:09,257 --> 01:32:11,159
{\an8}Indeed, the closest Pete has come

1591
01:32:11,226 --> 01:32:13,528
{\an8}to greatness
is when his dick rubbed up

1592
01:32:13,595 --> 01:32:15,597
{\an8}against some of Kanye's old cum.

1593
01:32:17,298 --> 01:32:20,502
{\an8}Nobody can name a joke
or a sketch you've ever done, Pete.

1594
01:32:20,568 --> 01:32:22,437
{\an8}If your father
could see how you turned out,

1595
01:32:22,504 --> 01:32:24,005
{\an8}he'd be rolling in his rubble.

1596
01:32:25,373 --> 01:32:28,376
{\an8}Regina Hall is here.
She was in a hit movie,

1597
01:32:28,443 --> 01:32:32,514
{\an8}<i>One Battle After Another,</i>
which is how Lizzo describes stairs.

1598
01:32:32,580 --> 01:32:34,516
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Yeah.

1599
01:32:44,426 --> 01:32:48,029
{\an8}We knew Chelsea Handler
would be available today

1600
01:32:48,096 --> 01:32:51,533
{\an8}-because it's Mother's Day.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1601
01:32:51,599 --> 01:32:57,705
{\an8}Chelsea is a Jew, that's why she's here.
That's also the best thing about her.

1602
01:32:57,772 --> 01:32:59,174
{\an8}She once dated 50 Cent,

1603
01:32:59,240 --> 01:33:02,577
{\an8}not the first time
a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

1604
01:33:04,045 --> 01:33:06,347
{\an8}Chelsea, why so serious?

1605
01:33:07,515 --> 01:33:10,385
{\an8}[chuckles] She looks
like the fucking Joker, people.

1606
01:33:10,452 --> 01:33:13,188
{\an8}She's aging like a vegetable
in Lizzo's fridge.

1607
01:33:13,254 --> 01:33:14,689
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1608
01:33:14,756 --> 01:33:18,059
{\an8}Yeah, and she fucking sucks,
and always has, by the way.

1609
01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:21,296
{\an8}Her whole act is just talking
about how it's stupid to have kids.

1610
01:33:21,362 --> 01:33:23,998
{\an8}We get it, your ovaries are busted.

1611
01:33:24,065 --> 01:33:26,868
{\an8}That's like if Kevin's whole act
was about how roller coasters

1612
01:33:26,935 --> 01:33:30,238
{\an8}-aren't that cool anyway.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1613
01:33:31,639 --> 01:33:34,476
{\an8}But seriously,
Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen,

1614
01:33:34,542 --> 01:33:37,946
{\an8}not on purpose, they're just inside
of a cold, frigid bitch.

1615
01:33:40,582 --> 01:33:44,886
{\an8}Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

1616
01:33:45,987 --> 01:33:50,258
{\an8}Sheryl Underwood, more like Under A Rock,
who even is this bitch?

1617
01:33:50,325 --> 01:33:54,295
{\an8}You look like a grape Laffy Taffy
that went through the dryer.

1618
01:33:54,362 --> 01:33:58,433
{\an8}How have you been sitting next to me
and playing drums the whole night?

1619
01:33:58,500 --> 01:34:00,034
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1620
01:34:00,101 --> 01:34:05,773
{\an8}That hair, the purple,
you look like your own pussy.

1621
01:34:07,308 --> 01:34:09,944
{\an8}She was on a show called
<i>The Talk</i> for 13 years.

1622
01:34:10,011 --> 01:34:11,946
{\an8}If you never saw it,
here's what you missed.

1623
01:34:12,013 --> 01:34:18,486
{\an8}"No, no, no, hold up,
let me, no, no, no, no, let me talk."

1624
01:34:18,553 --> 01:34:21,156
{\an8}Her husband committed suicide
three years into their marriage.

1625
01:34:21,222 --> 01:34:23,558
{\an8}I've been sitting next to her
for two hours and I have to ask,

1626
01:34:23,625 --> 01:34:25,660
{\an8}how did he last that long?

1627
01:34:25,727 --> 01:34:27,295
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1628
01:34:28,296 --> 01:34:33,735
{\an8}Draymond Green is a naughty guy.
He has paid four million dollars in fines.

1629
01:34:33,801 --> 01:34:38,173
{\an8}Did you name your daughter Cash
because you plan on losing her anyway?

1630
01:34:38,239 --> 01:34:41,943
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles] Cash, amazing.

1631
01:34:42,010 --> 01:34:46,614
{\an8}She won't even have to change her name
when she gets hired at the strip club.

1632
01:34:48,683 --> 01:34:51,953
{\an8}Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost
of strawberry cheesecake.

1633
01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:54,122
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1634
01:34:55,456 --> 01:34:56,457
{\an8}Yeah.

1635
01:35:00,128 --> 01:35:03,765
{\an8}Jeff Ross beat cancer this year.

1636
01:35:03,831 --> 01:35:05,934
{\an8}-My good friend beat cancer.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1637
01:35:06,000 --> 01:35:08,102
{\an8}But you know cancer is out there.

1638
01:35:08,169 --> 01:35:10,905
{\an8}Cancer's out there somewhere
talking to its friends like,

1639
01:35:10,972 --> 01:35:13,775
{\an8}-"You gotta see the other guy."
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1640
01:35:13,841 --> 01:35:17,111
{\an8}Jeff is so Jewish
that when the hospital gave him his bill,

1641
01:35:17,178 --> 01:35:20,248
{\an8}he's like, "Can you put some
of the cancer back in?"

1642
01:35:20,315 --> 01:35:22,617
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[laughs]

1643
01:35:22,684 --> 01:35:25,286
{\an8}Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen,
he was born nine months

1644
01:35:25,353 --> 01:35:29,557
{\an8}after his father spit a watermelon seed
into his mother's vagina.

1645
01:35:29,624 --> 01:35:31,292
{\an8}[audience laughs]

1646
01:35:32,727 --> 01:35:34,062
{\an8}Yep, I did that.

1647
01:35:36,831 --> 01:35:39,367
{\an8}And then he was born,
nine pounds, seven ounces,

1648
01:35:39,434 --> 01:35:41,502
{\an8}and he remains the same today.

1649
01:35:42,804 --> 01:35:47,041
{\an8}Kevin is so small,
people call him the lowercase N-word.

1650
01:35:47,108 --> 01:35:49,043
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1651
01:35:49,110 --> 01:35:52,113
{\an8}He was raised by a single mother
and a stepladder.

1652
01:35:53,781 --> 01:35:56,851
{\an8}Because of Kevin's awful childhood
and feelings of inadequacy,

1653
01:35:56,918 --> 01:36:00,922
{\an8}he became a workaholic to distract himself
from the grief of who he is on the inside.

1654
01:36:00,989 --> 01:36:04,425
{\an8}And to make matters worse,
his inner child is taller than him.

1655
01:36:06,294 --> 01:36:08,563
{\an8}But look at him now.
Oh, you're not wearing a chain.

1656
01:36:08,630 --> 01:36:09,797
{\an8}I was gonna say nice chain, Kevin.

1657
01:36:09,864 --> 01:36:12,600
{\an8}It would make a great bracelet
for a normal-sized black man.

1658
01:36:12,667 --> 01:36:13,835
{\an8}But you didn't wear the normal chain

1659
01:36:13,901 --> 01:36:16,938
{\an8}that you wear to overcompensate
for how small you are.

1660
01:36:17,005 --> 01:36:18,306
{\an8}Kevin has so few Black friends

1661
01:36:18,373 --> 01:36:22,143
{\an8}that he started a vegan fast-food chain
and nobody stopped him.

1662
01:36:22,210 --> 01:36:25,079
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[laughs]

1663
01:36:25,146 --> 01:36:27,315
{\an8}His vegan restaurant is like his movies,

1664
01:36:27,382 --> 01:36:31,185
{\an8}because you don't have to go
to know it fucking sucks.

1665
01:36:31,252 --> 01:36:34,622
{\an8}Kevin, in a town full
of successful pedophiles,

1666
01:36:34,689 --> 01:36:38,826
{\an8}it's great to know that you are not one,
but in fairness, if you ever tried,

1667
01:36:38,893 --> 01:36:43,197
{\an8}any fuckable ten-year-old
would beat the living shit out of you.

1668
01:36:43,264 --> 01:36:45,099
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-His audience is so ghetto

1669
01:36:45,166 --> 01:36:47,935
{\an8}that his merch table
has more gunfire than Charlie Kirk's.

1670
01:36:48,002 --> 01:36:49,070
{\an8}[audience groans]

1671
01:36:49,137 --> 01:36:53,141
{\an8}Kevin, if you're here,
who's holding P Diddy's pocket in jail?

1672
01:36:53,207 --> 01:36:54,942
{\an8}Kevin has been so far up The Rock's ass

1673
01:36:55,009 --> 01:36:57,879
{\an8}that he can actually
smell what he's been cooking.

1674
01:36:57,945 --> 01:36:59,747
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1675
01:36:59,814 --> 01:37:05,286
{\an8}Kevin-- The Rock played Black Adam.
Kevin is the size of a Black atom.

1676
01:37:05,353 --> 01:37:06,554
{\an8}He's won two Grammys,

1677
01:37:06,621 --> 01:37:10,191
{\an8}at least that's what the scale
says when he stands on it.

1678
01:37:10,258 --> 01:37:11,793
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Two Grammys.

1679
01:37:11,859 --> 01:37:15,963
{\an8}Lizzo has ate… everything
that's ever been put in front of her.

1680
01:37:16,030 --> 01:37:18,433
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1681
01:37:18,499 --> 01:37:21,169
{\an8}But Lizzo, you look great. You really do.

1682
01:37:21,235 --> 01:37:24,072
{\an8}People describing you
no longer have to say the word "really"

1683
01:37:24,138 --> 01:37:26,407
{\an8}before saying the word "fat."

1684
01:37:26,474 --> 01:37:30,511
{\an8}[chuckles] She loves flutin'
as much as she loves gluten.

1685
01:37:30,578 --> 01:37:32,380
{\an8}[audience cheering]

1686
01:37:32,447 --> 01:37:35,583
{\an8}You know, Kevin, they told me
not to mention your kids on this roast,

1687
01:37:35,650 --> 01:37:38,353
{\an8}but I must say, you did good.

1688
01:37:38,419 --> 01:37:41,589
{\an8}They've gotten so big,
they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat.

1689
01:37:43,057 --> 01:37:45,793
{\an8}It's true, he lost his gig
hosting the Academy Awards

1690
01:37:45,860 --> 01:37:48,296
{\an8}because of some homophobic tweets,
but you'd be homophobic too

1691
01:37:48,363 --> 01:37:50,398
{\an8}if you were eye level
with everyone's cock.

1692
01:37:50,465 --> 01:37:52,200
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1693
01:37:52,266 --> 01:37:54,669
{\an8}He got into a fist fight
on a private plane,

1694
01:37:54,736 --> 01:37:57,538
{\an8}proof that no matter how much money
Black people have,

1695
01:37:57,605 --> 01:38:03,277
{\an8}they're still just gonna act
like ninjas is fighting.

1696
01:38:03,344 --> 01:38:05,012
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1697
01:38:05,079 --> 01:38:07,882
{\an8}Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a Black comedian
from Philadelphia.

1698
01:38:07,949 --> 01:38:11,252
{\an8}And like Bill Cosby, women don't know
when Kevin is inside of them.

1699
01:38:12,387 --> 01:38:15,490
{\an8}You've done good, though, Kevin.
The Black community is so proud of you.

1700
01:38:15,556 --> 01:38:18,359
{\an8}Right now,
George Floyd is looking up at us all,

1701
01:38:18,426 --> 01:38:23,097
{\an8}-laughing so hard that he can't breathe.
-[audience groans]

1702
01:38:23,164 --> 01:38:26,667
{\an8}God bless you, Kevin. God bless this room.

1703
01:38:26,734 --> 01:38:29,170
{\an8}And God bless
the United States of America.

1704
01:38:29,237 --> 01:38:31,973
{\an8}-Thank you so much.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1705
01:38:41,182 --> 01:38:42,984
{\an8}[Shane] Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

1706
01:38:46,654 --> 01:38:51,225
{\an8}Hey, a lot of people wanted him to fail
and he just fucking killed.

1707
01:38:51,292 --> 01:38:55,329
{\an8}-Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1708
01:38:58,499 --> 01:39:02,703
{\an8}-Sheryl Underwood is here. Yeah, Sheryl.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1709
01:39:02,770 --> 01:39:05,406
{\an8}Sheryl got a standing ovation once
on Def Jam.

1710
01:39:05,473 --> 01:39:08,075
{\an8}Now she's deaf, eats jam,
and has trouble standing.

1711
01:39:10,678 --> 01:39:13,147
{\an8}Sheryl was in the Air Force,
but she couldn't fly.

1712
01:39:14,715 --> 01:39:18,419
{\an8}And neither could her husband,
who jumped off… [chuckles]

1713
01:39:18,486 --> 01:39:20,855
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1714
01:39:20,922 --> 01:39:23,925
{\an8}…who jumped off a building,
and he died from that. [chuckles]

1715
01:39:25,159 --> 01:39:28,196
{\an8}I swear to God, I called her
before this to ask if that was okay.

1716
01:39:28,262 --> 01:39:30,698
{\an8}I would have never done that.

1717
01:39:30,765 --> 01:39:35,069
{\an8}But now she's a Christian comic,
so this should fucking suck. Uh…

1718
01:39:35,136 --> 01:39:38,306
{\an8}No, she's the best. Make some noise,
Sheryl Underwood, everybody.

1719
01:39:38,372 --> 01:39:41,175
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[upbeat music playing]

1720
01:39:47,982 --> 01:39:49,283
{\an8}[music concludes]

1721
01:39:50,551 --> 01:39:51,619
{\an8}First of all…

1722
01:39:53,521 --> 01:39:58,926
{\an8}Tony, you think you hurt my feelings
by talking about my dead husband?

1723
01:39:58,993 --> 01:40:00,962
{\an8}My husband only died once.

1724
01:40:01,028 --> 01:40:04,999
{\an8}You die every night with them
whack-ass jokes you be telling.

1725
01:40:05,066 --> 01:40:07,168
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

1726
01:40:07,235 --> 01:40:10,304
{\an8}I love the fact that you white boy comics
want to say

1727
01:40:10,371 --> 01:40:14,008
{\an8}all the words that Black comics
get canceled for saying.

1728
01:40:14,075 --> 01:40:17,812
{\an8}And I'm glad that y'all brought back words
like "midget" and "retard."

1729
01:40:17,879 --> 01:40:20,681
{\an8}No, Kevin, I'm not talking
about you when I say "midget."

1730
01:40:22,049 --> 01:40:26,120
{\an8}But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you
when I say "retard."

1731
01:40:27,555 --> 01:40:30,625
{\an8}[audience laughs, applauds]

1732
01:40:30,691 --> 01:40:34,795
{\an8}Now, I know it's some shit
in that motherfucking teleprompter,

1733
01:40:34,862 --> 01:40:37,365
{\an8}but I'm glad that, Shane,
your motherfucking ass,

1734
01:40:37,431 --> 01:40:39,300
{\an8}stopped that wigger.

1735
01:40:39,367 --> 01:40:42,970
{\an8}'Cause had you said anything
that sound bigger, trigger,

1736
01:40:43,037 --> 01:40:45,139
{\an8}or anything that sound like nigga,

1737
01:40:45,206 --> 01:40:48,276
{\an8}you wouldn't have made it
out of motherfucking Inglewood alive.

1738
01:40:48,342 --> 01:40:51,746
{\an8}[cheering and applause]

1739
01:40:51,812 --> 01:40:55,383
{\an8}You don't know where the fuck you are.

1740
01:40:57,118 --> 01:40:59,554
{\an8}You will respect us in this house.

1741
01:40:59,620 --> 01:41:04,592
{\an8}This is the fucking forum
built by the Showtime Lakers.

1742
01:41:04,659 --> 01:41:07,562
{\an8}[cheering and applause]

1743
01:41:09,397 --> 01:41:13,234
{\an8}And I want to thank Netflix and Kevin Hart

1744
01:41:13,301 --> 01:41:15,603
{\an8}for bringing us all together.

1745
01:41:15,670 --> 01:41:18,906
{\an8}Freedom of speech is alive today.

1746
01:41:18,973 --> 01:41:24,812
{\an8}It shows that we can all come together
and crack jokes on each other

1747
01:41:24,879 --> 01:41:28,249
{\an8}and still respect each other.

1748
01:41:28,316 --> 01:41:32,086
{\an8}-And… Hold on, hold on, I gotta say this.
[cheering and applause]

1749
01:41:32,153 --> 01:41:37,124
{\an8}My ex-boo, John Stamos, is in the house.

1750
01:41:37,191 --> 01:41:39,760
{\an8}And yeah, y'all brought up
when I was on <i>The Talk.</i>

1751
01:41:39,827 --> 01:41:43,898
{\an8}[cheering and applause]

1752
01:41:43,965 --> 01:41:49,604
{\an8}And when I was on <i>The Talk,</i>
I got to tongue kiss John Stamos.

1753
01:41:50,871 --> 01:41:53,741
{\an8}Before he married that girl,

1754
01:41:53,808 --> 01:41:57,678
{\an8}I put my tongue
all the way down his esophagus.

1755
01:41:57,745 --> 01:41:59,647
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1756
01:41:59,714 --> 01:42:02,717
{\an8}I can't say what he said after that.

1757
01:42:02,783 --> 01:42:06,387
{\an8}All I can say, he married a young bitch
and took her to Disneyland.

1758
01:42:06,454 --> 01:42:09,457
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1759
01:42:12,660 --> 01:42:17,498
{\an8}Shane, you may talk some shit about me,
but I know your kind.

1760
01:42:17,565 --> 01:42:19,433
{\an8}You want to hit this Black pussy

1761
01:42:19,500 --> 01:42:23,337
{\an8}harder than you hit the windows
of the Capitol on January 6th.

1762
01:42:23,404 --> 01:42:26,807
{\an8}[audience laughing, cheering]

1763
01:42:30,144 --> 01:42:32,413
{\an8}[Sheryl]
You know who the fuck you talking to?

1764
01:42:36,017 --> 01:42:40,154
{\an8}-I know you want to fuck me.
-[audience laughing]

1765
01:42:40,221 --> 01:42:42,757
{\an8}'Cause you're tired
of fucking your sister.

1766
01:42:42,823 --> 01:42:45,226
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1767
01:42:45,292 --> 01:42:46,494
{\an8}So, you want to fuck a real sister.

1768
01:42:46,560 --> 01:42:49,363
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1769
01:42:49,430 --> 01:42:51,332
{\an8}All this Black pussy in here.

1770
01:42:52,433 --> 01:42:54,568
{\an8}Shane dick getting harder and harder.

1771
01:42:56,137 --> 01:43:00,374
{\an8}-I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo…
-[audience laughing]

1772
01:43:00,441 --> 01:43:03,177
{\an8}-…and lose.
-[audience laughing]

1773
01:43:03,244 --> 01:43:07,715
{\an8}But none of us are gonna fuck
your pasty white-boy ass.

1774
01:43:07,782 --> 01:43:10,151
{\an8}Well, maybe…
maybe I will, okay? [chuckles]

1775
01:43:11,485 --> 01:43:15,356
{\an8}I'm on a tour called "I Need a Job Tour,"
so, come on, motherfucker, let's go.

1776
01:43:16,691 --> 01:43:17,992
{\an8}Big Jay.

1777
01:43:18,059 --> 01:43:22,163
{\an8}Now, you cute, I… Big Jay, listen to me.
You sexy, you get that pussy.

1778
01:43:22,229 --> 01:43:23,764
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1779
01:43:23,831 --> 01:43:27,401
{\an8}-Over there looking like Guy Fieri.
-[audience laughing]

1780
01:43:29,336 --> 01:43:33,874
{\an8}You know we like diners, drive-ins,
and dicks, so, let's go, motherfucker.

1781
01:43:33,941 --> 01:43:36,877
{\an8}You not just a snack,
you a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

1782
01:43:38,379 --> 01:43:43,150
{\an8}Got that big football player body,
and I know football players.

1783
01:43:43,217 --> 01:43:46,921
{\an8}-I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles.
-[audience laughing]

1784
01:43:46,987 --> 01:43:50,691
{\an8}The offensive line, the defensive line,
the offensive coordinator,

1785
01:43:50,758 --> 01:43:52,493
{\an8}defensive coordinator, coaching staff,

1786
01:43:52,560 --> 01:43:55,563
{\an8}team doctor,
the dudes selling the hot dogs,

1787
01:43:56,831 --> 01:43:59,934
{\an8}the motherfucker
that wrote "Fly Eagle Fly."

1788
01:44:00,000 --> 01:44:01,135
{\an8}I fucked him too.

1789
01:44:02,503 --> 01:44:05,473
{\an8}-That was one hell of a party.
-[audience laughing]

1790
01:44:07,374 --> 01:44:10,244
{\an8}So, Draymond, I heard you was a bully.

1791
01:44:11,679 --> 01:44:15,182
{\an8}[audience booing]

1792
01:44:15,249 --> 01:44:17,151
{\an8}Well, come on over here
and beat this pussy up then.

1793
01:44:17,218 --> 01:44:20,621
{\an8}-Come on, let's go.
-[audience laughing]

1794
01:44:20,688 --> 01:44:22,256
{\an8}Keep rolling your teleprompter.

1795
01:44:23,624 --> 01:44:26,761
{\an8}I would fuck you Draymond,
but I'm afraid of heights.

1796
01:44:26,827 --> 01:44:28,662
{\an8}I'm only 5'2.

1797
01:44:28,729 --> 01:44:31,766
{\an8}but I'm still two inches taller
than Kevin Hart,

1798
01:44:31,832 --> 01:44:33,801
{\an8}you mighty mouse motherfucker.
They wrote that, they wrote that.

1799
01:44:33,868 --> 01:44:35,202
{\an8}The white people wrote it.
The white people…

1800
01:44:35,269 --> 01:44:36,670
{\an8}-The white people… I didn't…
-The fuck is that?

1801
01:44:36,737 --> 01:44:39,140
{\an8}I'm just saying it to get the check,
motherfucker, goddamn.

1802
01:44:39,206 --> 01:44:42,810
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-Pete Davison, I just wanna know,

1803
01:44:42,877 --> 01:44:45,880
{\an8}what is in your dick
that's driving these bitches crazy?

1804
01:44:45,946 --> 01:44:47,848
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1805
01:44:47,915 --> 01:44:48,949
{\an8}And whatever it is,

1806
01:44:49,016 --> 01:44:52,219
{\an8}can you put it in Chelsea Handler
so she can stop fucking Black men?

1807
01:44:52,286 --> 01:44:54,522
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[Sheryl] I'm sorry, Chelsea,

1808
01:44:54,588 --> 01:44:56,891
{\an8}I had to say that one.
They paid me, they paid me.

1809
01:44:56,957 --> 01:44:59,059
{\an8}Question for the dais,

1810
01:44:59,126 --> 01:45:04,298
{\an8}who has had more Black dick in this town,
me or Chelsea Handler?

1811
01:45:04,365 --> 01:45:06,600
{\an8}[audience cheering]

1812
01:45:06,667 --> 01:45:09,570
{\an8}The answer is… Tony Hinchcliffe.

1813
01:45:09,637 --> 01:45:11,505
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1814
01:45:16,877 --> 01:45:18,679
{\an8}[Sheryl] And for all of you
who were thinking that,

1815
01:45:18,746 --> 01:45:21,849
{\an8}-you've won a brand new car.
-[audience laughing]

1816
01:45:21,916 --> 01:45:24,018
{\an8}Now let's talk about Kevin.

1817
01:45:24,084 --> 01:45:26,453
{\an8}No, no, no, I gotta do it.
For the check, Ted told me.

1818
01:45:26,520 --> 01:45:28,522
{\an8}Ted at the luncheon said,

1819
01:45:28,589 --> 01:45:31,158
{\an8}"Bitch, say this shit
or you're not getting paid."

1820
01:45:32,526 --> 01:45:34,562
{\an8}I gotta do what Ted said.

1821
01:45:34,628 --> 01:45:36,230
{\an8}I gotta do what I got to say, okay.

1822
01:45:36,297 --> 01:45:37,932
{\an8}I wasn't going to say this shit,

1823
01:45:37,998 --> 01:45:41,802
{\an8}but Kevin and I hooked up once
before he got married.

1824
01:45:41,869 --> 01:45:43,604
{\an8}-[Kevin laughing]
-[audience laughing]

1825
01:45:43,671 --> 01:45:45,739
{\an8}Before he got married.

1826
01:45:45,806 --> 01:45:47,575
{\an8}He got stuck in my pussy.

1827
01:45:47,641 --> 01:45:49,310
{\an8}I tied a rope around his neck
and pulled him out like a tampon.

1828
01:45:49,376 --> 01:45:51,679
{\an8}-Hold on. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

1829
01:45:51,745 --> 01:45:53,747
{\an8}That's not in the prompter.
I'm sorry. [chuckles]

1830
01:45:53,814 --> 01:45:58,018
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1831
01:45:58,085 --> 01:46:00,654
{\an8}Kevin Hart is packing.

1832
01:46:00,721 --> 01:46:04,892
{\an8}Kevin Hart is packing.
He's packing ten inches in his pants.

1833
01:46:04,959 --> 01:46:07,394
{\an8}They're his legs,
but it's still ten inches. [laughs]

1834
01:46:07,461 --> 01:46:10,130
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1835
01:46:13,701 --> 01:46:17,271
{\an8}Fucking Kevin was a lot like
watching his movies.

1836
01:46:17,338 --> 01:46:20,107
{\an8}-The first five minutes are okay…
-[Kevin laughing]

1837
01:46:21,775 --> 01:46:23,711
{\an8}…then you're just waiting
for it to be over.

1838
01:46:23,777 --> 01:46:25,913
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1839
01:46:25,980 --> 01:46:28,282
{\an8}[Sheryl] I don't know, it could get rogue.

1840
01:46:28,349 --> 01:46:30,918
{\an8}[laughs] You gotta say it.

1841
01:46:30,985 --> 01:46:33,821
{\an8}-You gotta say it.
-[Sheryl] Okay, ready?

1842
01:46:33,888 --> 01:46:35,556
{\an8}-Ready? [chuckles]
-You gotta say it.

1843
01:46:35,623 --> 01:46:38,058
{\an8}You think he's loud in his movies?

1844
01:46:38,125 --> 01:46:41,528
{\an8}-When we were fucking… [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

1845
01:46:41,595 --> 01:46:45,132
{\an8}…he was hollering
and screaming and shaking.

1846
01:46:45,199 --> 01:46:47,134
{\an8}I said, "Will you shut the fuck up…

1847
01:46:48,269 --> 01:46:50,537
{\an8}before somebody think
I'm watching one of your movies?"

1848
01:46:50,604 --> 01:46:53,540
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

1849
01:46:57,478 --> 01:47:03,017
{\an8}[cheering and applause]

1850
01:47:08,489 --> 01:47:11,191
{\an8}-[Kevin] Yes, Sheryl!
-All right.

1851
01:47:11,258 --> 01:47:14,194
{\an8}So, I want to say this with all the love.

1852
01:47:14,261 --> 01:47:17,197
{\an8}You have done what we asked you
to do in the culture.

1853
01:47:17,264 --> 01:47:19,066
{\an8}You've represented us well.

1854
01:47:19,133 --> 01:47:21,969
{\an8}You've been a great businessman
and a great performer.

1855
01:47:22,036 --> 01:47:24,571
{\an8}Today, we are proud
to stand here to roast,

1856
01:47:24,638 --> 01:47:28,075
{\an8}'cause we only roast who we love,
and we truly love you.

1857
01:47:28,142 --> 01:47:29,310
{\an8}-[Kevin] Fuckin' Sheryl.
-Good night.

1858
01:47:29,376 --> 01:47:33,280
{\an8}[cheering and applause]

1859
01:47:45,125 --> 01:47:49,029
{\an8}-[Shane] Sheryl Underwood!
-[cheering and applause]

1860
01:47:49,096 --> 01:47:51,165
{\an8}Wait a minute, wait a minute.

1861
01:47:51,231 --> 01:47:54,301
{\an8}This motherfucker hugs me and go,
"Can I still get that pussy though?"

1862
01:47:54,368 --> 01:47:56,437
{\an8}-[laughs]
-[laughs]

1863
01:48:00,307 --> 01:48:03,544
{\an8}-Keep it going for Bernie Smack.
-[audience laughing]

1864
01:48:05,779 --> 01:48:07,181
{\an8}[Shane]
Just thought of that one, let's go.

1865
01:48:07,247 --> 01:48:09,616
{\an8}Uh… [laughs]

1866
01:48:12,519 --> 01:48:14,154
{\an8}But, yeah, that was honestly…
That was incredible.

1867
01:48:14,221 --> 01:48:16,690
{\an8}This is… Now, yeah.
It feels good now. Now…

1868
01:48:16,757 --> 01:48:19,026
{\an8}Earlier I was like,
this isn't as good as the Tom Brady roast.

1869
01:48:19,093 --> 01:48:21,395
{\an8}-Now it feels pretty good.
-[audience laughing]

1870
01:48:22,529 --> 01:48:24,732
{\an8}Regina Hall is here, everybody.
Make some noise.

1871
01:48:24,798 --> 01:48:28,268
{\an8}[cheering and applause]

1872
01:48:29,636 --> 01:48:33,540
{\an8}They added her last minute,
so I don't really have anything for her,

1873
01:48:33,607 --> 01:48:35,642
{\an8}but here's a joke
we couldn't do for Sheryl.

1874
01:48:35,709 --> 01:48:39,646
{\an8}It's something about Aunt Jemima.
[chuckles] I don't know, it got cut.

1875
01:48:39,713 --> 01:48:42,349
{\an8}It was clever, you would've loved it.

1876
01:48:42,416 --> 01:48:44,651
{\an8}Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody.
Make some noise.

1877
01:48:44,718 --> 01:48:47,388
{\an8}-[upbeat music playing]
-[cheering and applause]

1878
01:49:02,469 --> 01:49:03,637
{\an8}Wow.

1879
01:49:08,742 --> 01:49:13,347
{\an8}[cheering, applause]

1880
01:49:14,348 --> 01:49:16,050
{\an8}Thank you, Kevin.

1881
01:49:17,317 --> 01:49:18,986
{\an8}It's very nice to be here.

1882
01:49:19,053 --> 01:49:23,157
{\an8}It's been tough, you know, I mean,
having to sit here and watch you,

1883
01:49:23,223 --> 01:49:25,993
{\an8}and you haven't been able
to talk back.

1884
01:49:26,060 --> 01:49:29,496
{\an8}Anyone who knows me knows
I've known Kevin for twenty years.

1885
01:49:29,563 --> 01:49:32,032
{\an8}I've been to all of his shows.

1886
01:49:32,099 --> 01:49:33,200
{\an8}Well, not all of them.

1887
01:49:33,267 --> 01:49:37,538
{\an8}I've seen his movies, and despite that,
I am still here tonight.

1888
01:49:37,604 --> 01:49:40,274
{\an8}[audience laughs]

1889
01:49:40,340 --> 01:49:42,609
{\an8}No, seriously, Kevin,

1890
01:49:42,676 --> 01:49:44,611
{\an8}I've been listening
to all of these people,

1891
01:49:44,678 --> 01:49:47,281
{\an8}and I don't think you deserved
any of those insults.

1892
01:49:48,449 --> 01:49:50,851
{\an8}I-- I'm here actually as a true friend.

1893
01:49:52,553 --> 01:49:56,090
{\an8}So I thought I would share something,
this is honest, sacred,

1894
01:49:57,224 --> 01:49:59,626
{\an8}that only you and I know, Kevin.

1895
01:49:59,693 --> 01:50:02,963
{\an8}Now, Kevin and I go--
we go back, as I said,

1896
01:50:03,030 --> 01:50:06,333
{\an8}and there's one special thing
that only Kevin and I know about.

1897
01:50:07,668 --> 01:50:12,272
{\an8}Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy,
God rest her soul,

1898
01:50:12,339 --> 01:50:14,608
{\an8}she communicates
with me sometimes.

1899
01:50:15,943 --> 01:50:18,212
{\an8}No, this is actually the truth.

1900
01:50:23,550 --> 01:50:26,386
{\an8}Many, many, many, many years ago,

1901
01:50:28,522 --> 01:50:31,792
{\an8}do you remember when I called
and I told you

1902
01:50:31,859 --> 01:50:33,560
{\an8}that she said don't go to Vegas?

1903
01:50:38,632 --> 01:50:43,937
{\an8}She said, "Kevin, don't go in there
and accidentally fuck that girl."

1904
01:50:44,004 --> 01:50:46,907
{\an8}She said… She said…

1905
01:50:46,974 --> 01:50:51,478
{\an8}No, she said,
"Kevin, go to 1515,"

1906
01:50:51,545 --> 01:50:53,881
{\an8}but I wrote it down wrong.
Do you remember?

1907
01:50:53,947 --> 01:50:56,083
{\an8}Because I had been drinking that night.

1908
01:50:56,150 --> 01:50:58,185
{\an8}She knew there was a camera
in that room,

1909
01:50:58,252 --> 01:51:01,288
{\an8}Kevin, and she tried.

1910
01:51:01,355 --> 01:51:05,225
{\an8}So I want to say I'm sorry,
Kevin, because that was on me.

1911
01:51:05,292 --> 01:51:09,396
{\an8}That was my bad,
but tonight, Kevin, I got it.

1912
01:51:09,463 --> 01:51:11,565
{\an8}I'm not gonna mess up.

1913
01:51:11,632 --> 01:51:12,633
{\an8}I'm sober.

1914
01:51:14,101 --> 01:51:17,671
{\an8}Okay, so I wrote down some other things
that your mother,

1915
01:51:18,739 --> 01:51:22,209
{\an8}that she's expressed, and I'd like
to read them tonight.

1916
01:51:22,276 --> 01:51:23,310
{\an8}These I got right.

1917
01:51:24,878 --> 01:51:28,649
{\an8}"Kevin, I love you,
and I'm so proud of you."

1918
01:51:29,816 --> 01:51:31,985
{\an8}"You won best picture of the year."

1919
01:51:32,052 --> 01:51:33,387
{\an8}Oh, wait, no, no, that's for me.

1920
01:51:33,453 --> 01:51:34,454
{\an8}Hold on.

1921
01:51:35,989 --> 01:51:38,992
{\an8}Because you didn't win, Kevin.

1922
01:51:39,059 --> 01:51:40,494
{\an8}But thank you, Miss Nancy.

1923
01:51:40,561 --> 01:51:42,796
{\an8}Now, here we go.
Here we go for real.

1924
01:51:42,863 --> 01:51:43,764
{\an8}Kevin.

1925
01:51:43,830 --> 01:51:45,332
{\an8}All right.

1926
01:51:45,399 --> 01:51:47,434
{\an8}She misses your movies.

1927
01:51:47,501 --> 01:51:50,771
{\an8}She says they don't go up there
in heaven because it's heaven.

1928
01:51:54,107 --> 01:51:58,779
{\an8}Oh, oh, but she said your dad is
enjoying them all down where he is.

1929
01:52:00,847 --> 01:52:01,915
{\an8}That was very sweet.

1930
01:52:03,584 --> 01:52:07,721
{\an8}She says she regrets not being there
for you when your father passed.

1931
01:52:07,788 --> 01:52:11,391
{\an8}Oh, so she could watch
that motherfucker die.

1932
01:52:11,458 --> 01:52:12,759
{\an8}[Kevin] Okay. All right.

1933
01:52:14,428 --> 01:52:17,164
{\an8}Tell Kevin that's a quote, okay?

1934
01:52:18,298 --> 01:52:23,403
{\an8}She says that she's sorry that she
always treated your brother better,

1935
01:52:23,470 --> 01:52:26,106
{\an8}but that's only
because she loved him more.

1936
01:52:28,775 --> 01:52:29,743
That's enough, Regina.

1937
01:52:29,810 --> 01:52:30,811
{\an8}Oh, wait, wait.

1938
01:52:32,112 --> 01:52:35,249
{\an8}And now she's saying I told you not
to do that.

1939
01:52:35,315 --> 01:52:39,353
{\an8}Oh, no, that's about your failed
vegan fast food chain.

1940
01:52:39,419 --> 01:52:40,887
{\an8}Okay. All right.

1941
01:52:40,954 --> 01:52:43,156
No, no, she just said,

1942
01:52:43,223 --> 01:52:46,126
nigga, you grew up
on Philly cheesesteaks.

1943
01:52:46,193 --> 01:52:48,695
Why you ain't start a chain
of that shit?

1944
01:52:48,762 --> 01:52:49,763
I'm sorry, Kevin.

1945
01:52:50,998 --> 01:52:52,099
No, no, wait.

1946
01:52:52,165 --> 01:52:53,433
{\an8}Hold on, hold on.

1947
01:52:53,500 --> 01:52:54,801
{\an8}More stuff is coming through.

1948
01:52:54,868 --> 01:52:56,670
{\an8}It's like I'm Oda Mae Brown out here.

1949
01:52:56,737 --> 01:52:57,738
{\an8}Hold on.

1950
01:52:59,072 --> 01:53:00,073
{\an8}Pete!

1951
01:53:05,212 --> 01:53:06,380
No, this is sweet.

1952
01:53:06,446 --> 01:53:07,748
{\an8}I'm only here with love tonight.

1953
01:53:07,814 --> 01:53:09,549
{\an8}No one has to worry.

1954
01:53:09,616 --> 01:53:15,489
{\an8}She says that your dad, he misses you,
and he sees your success.

1955
01:53:16,490 --> 01:53:20,227
He wants to know what it was
like to fuck Kate Beckinsale,

1956
01:53:21,261 --> 01:53:25,165
Emily Ratatouille,
Ariana Gran--

1957
01:53:25,232 --> 01:53:27,200
I can't name them all.

1958
01:53:27,267 --> 01:53:30,837
Ariana Grande…
We'll get to it later, Pete.

1959
01:53:32,572 --> 01:53:35,442
{\an8}He also says you inherited your dick size

1960
01:53:35,509 --> 01:53:36,910
{\an8}from him and you're welcome.

1961
01:53:39,546 --> 01:53:45,652
{\an8}She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him
in about three weeks.

1962
01:53:45,719 --> 01:53:47,020
{\an8}[Kevin] Oh, shit.

1963
01:53:47,087 --> 01:53:49,022
Oh, shit.

1964
01:53:49,089 --> 01:53:51,058
{\an8}Regina, that's enough.

1965
01:53:51,124 --> 01:53:52,125
{\an8}-Regi--
-Sorry.

1966
01:53:53,427 --> 01:53:58,465
{\an8}She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all
up there and they want to say…

1967
01:54:00,834 --> 01:54:01,868
{\an8}Thank you.

1968
01:54:03,170 --> 01:54:05,038
You made the right decision.

1969
01:54:10,877 --> 01:54:15,048
{\an8}She also said,
I told you Teyana might bomb.

1970
01:54:20,821 --> 01:54:21,822
I'm sorry.

1971
01:54:23,323 --> 01:54:25,225
{\an8}I'm just downloading, guys.

1972
01:54:26,760 --> 01:54:28,862
{\an8}Last thing, finally,

1973
01:54:28,929 --> 01:54:33,467
{\an8}Miss Nancy says, thank you all
for being here to celebrate my son.

1974
01:54:33,533 --> 01:54:35,102
{\an8}I love you, Kevin Hart.

1975
01:54:39,906 --> 01:54:40,874
{\an8}[chuckles]

1976
01:54:42,509 --> 01:54:44,845
{\an8}Have fun on your big night.

1977
01:54:44,911 --> 01:54:46,747
{\an8}And now-- Oh.

1978
01:54:47,981 --> 01:54:50,884
{\an8}[sighs] I have to get back
to Michael Clarke Duncan,

1979
01:54:50,951 --> 01:54:53,153
{\an8}who's been a deep green mile
in this pussy

1980
01:54:53,220 --> 01:54:55,522
{\an8}-for the past three months.
-[Kevin] What the fuck?

1981
01:54:55,589 --> 01:54:57,691
-[audience laughing]
-Regina!

1982
01:54:57,758 --> 01:54:59,659
{\an8}-Regina!
-[contestants laugh]

1983
01:54:59,726 --> 01:55:02,028
{\an8}The fuck is that?

1984
01:55:02,095 --> 01:55:04,264
It's Mother's Day. [laughs]

1985
01:55:04,331 --> 01:55:05,832
Sorry.

1986
01:55:07,100 --> 01:55:09,736
{\an8}She said they run trains in heaven.

1987
01:55:09,803 --> 01:55:13,206
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

1988
01:55:17,677 --> 01:55:20,247
{\an8}Wait, what do you mean the other heaven?

1989
01:55:21,415 --> 01:55:23,617
{\an8}Not your… [breathes shakily]

1990
01:55:25,752 --> 01:55:27,621
-What? What the fuck?
-[breathes shakily]

1991
01:55:27,687 --> 01:55:30,290
-Don't! Regina, look at me.
-[chuckles] I'm sorry.

1992
01:55:30,357 --> 01:55:32,092
{\an8}-Don't fucking-- Don't--
-[Regina] I didn't say it.

1993
01:55:32,159 --> 01:55:34,060
{\an8}There's hope for us
in the afterlife, ladies.

1994
01:55:34,127 --> 01:55:35,362
{\an8}They're fucking up there.

1995
01:55:35,429 --> 01:55:37,230
{\an8}-All right.
-[audience laughing]

1996
01:55:38,265 --> 01:55:44,037
{\an8}In closing, I just want to share
a heartfelt memory that I have.

1997
01:55:44,104 --> 01:55:46,039
{\an8}And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

1998
01:55:47,073 --> 01:55:50,343
{\an8}I was doing a movie
and I walked on set, everyone,

1999
01:55:50,410 --> 01:55:52,446
{\an8}not knowing what I was in for.

2000
01:55:52,512 --> 01:55:55,882
{\an8}The director told me
that I needed to do an improv scene

2001
01:55:55,949 --> 01:55:59,519
{\an8}with the funniest motherfucker
that he had ever worked with.

2002
01:55:59,586 --> 01:56:01,955
{\an8}He called action and it was magic.

2003
01:56:02,022 --> 01:56:05,058
{\an8}I was in awe watching this man work.

2004
01:56:06,760 --> 01:56:10,063
{\an8}So quick, so funny.

2005
01:56:10,130 --> 01:56:14,334
{\an8}His large stature
was beyond his physical height.

2006
01:56:14,401 --> 01:56:18,038
{\an8}-[Kevin laughs]
-[audience laughing]

2007
01:56:18,104 --> 01:56:21,942
{\an8}I will never forget
how it felt performing with him.

2008
01:56:22,008 --> 01:56:25,779
{\an8}He was so great, and he still is.

2009
01:56:28,048 --> 01:56:31,218
{\an8}[Katt] I'm the last person they want
in this motherfucker right here.

2010
01:56:31,284 --> 01:56:33,920
{\an8}[audience cheering, applauding]

2011
01:56:33,987 --> 01:56:36,957
{\an8}Yes, yes, Kevin.

2012
01:56:37,023 --> 01:56:39,025
{\an8}My special gift to you.

2013
01:56:40,393 --> 01:56:46,733
{\an8}[chuckles] It's the other capital
motherfucking K everyone,

2014
01:56:46,800 --> 01:56:49,202
{\an8}-Katt Williams.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2015
01:56:49,269 --> 01:56:51,905
[rendition of "Shaft" theme playing]

2016
01:56:51,972 --> 01:56:54,007
[Roots singing indistinctly]

2017
01:56:59,613 --> 01:57:02,682
<i>♪ Kevin still looks up to you ♪</i>

2018
01:57:06,786 --> 01:57:10,757
<i>♪ The type of man that kevin hart</i>
<i>Wished he could be ♪</i>

2019
01:57:15,495 --> 01:57:18,632
-[music concludes]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2020
01:57:24,204 --> 01:57:27,040
{\an8}Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

2021
01:57:31,444 --> 01:57:32,646
{\an8}Hello Kevin.

2022
01:57:32,712 --> 01:57:34,714
{\an8}[audience chuckling]

2023
01:57:34,781 --> 01:57:35,782
Hello Katt.

2024
01:57:36,917 --> 01:57:39,185
{\an8}I'm surprised they invited me.

2025
01:57:39,252 --> 01:57:41,655
{\an8}[audience laughing, cheering]

2026
01:57:41,721 --> 01:57:46,726
{\an8}That's how little star power you have.
They had to start inviting your enemies.

2027
01:57:48,128 --> 01:57:49,296
I said, "I hate him."

2028
01:57:49,362 --> 01:57:51,331
-They said, "Come anyway."
-[laughs]

2029
01:57:51,398 --> 01:57:54,034
[audience laughing]

2030
01:57:54,100 --> 01:57:58,872
{\an8}Very humble of me to be
at your GOAT roast tonight, Kevin.

2031
01:57:58,939 --> 01:58:00,540
{\an8}I've won an Emmy Award,

2032
01:58:00,607 --> 01:58:03,877
{\an8}but this is gonna be
my best acting tonight,

2033
01:58:03,944 --> 01:58:06,379
{\an8}as I pretend like you are a GOAT.

2034
01:58:06,446 --> 01:58:08,114
[audience laughing]

2035
01:58:08,181 --> 01:58:12,552
{\an8}For the people at home, you're wondering,
"Why is the Katt man doing this?"

2036
01:58:13,787 --> 01:58:16,456
{\an8}-For the money, bitch.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

2037
01:58:16,523 --> 01:58:20,760
{\an8}-This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival.
-[audience laughing]

2038
01:58:20,827 --> 01:58:22,629
Only one with a soul.

2039
01:58:24,998 --> 01:58:26,733
Kevin, you're gonna hear
some things tonight

2040
01:58:26,800 --> 01:58:28,902
that you're not familiar with.

2041
01:58:28,969 --> 01:58:31,071
Those things are called punchlines.

2042
01:58:31,137 --> 01:58:33,974
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

2043
01:58:34,975 --> 01:58:40,180
{\an8}Is this deus the best that the industry
could put together for dear old Kev?

2044
01:58:41,881 --> 01:58:43,950
{\an8}I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real

2045
01:58:44,017 --> 01:58:47,654
{\an8}or if this is
the junior varsity version, but…

2046
01:58:47,721 --> 01:58:50,290
[laughter]

2047
01:58:52,525 --> 01:58:54,928
{\an8}For those of you just joining us,

2048
01:58:56,463 --> 01:58:58,632
{\an8}Kevin and I have beef.

2049
01:58:58,698 --> 01:59:00,066
{\an8}And I'll tell you why.

2050
01:59:01,201 --> 01:59:05,305
'Cause privately, this motherfucker
stole everything from me.

2051
01:59:05,372 --> 01:59:09,175
{\an8}Before he saw my act,
he was a six-foot-three white man.

2052
01:59:09,242 --> 01:59:10,977
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2053
01:59:18,885 --> 01:59:21,755
{\an8}I tried to tell y'all
that Kevin Hart was a plant.

2054
01:59:21,821 --> 01:59:23,690
{\an8}[audience chuckling]

2055
01:59:23,757 --> 01:59:27,227
{\an8}'Cause I keep burying him,
he keeps springing back the fuck up.

2056
01:59:28,294 --> 01:59:29,596
Just like a plant.

2057
01:59:31,631 --> 01:59:34,734
{\an8}Yes, I said some things
I'd like to take back.

2058
01:59:36,069 --> 01:59:37,971
{\an8}Some things I said were misunderstood.

2059
01:59:38,038 --> 01:59:41,207
{\an8}I did say that Kevin was
a Hollywood puppet,

2060
01:59:41,274 --> 01:59:43,043
{\an8}and I want to explain that.

2061
01:59:44,544 --> 01:59:46,513
{\an8}Because it might not be what you think.

2062
01:59:46,579 --> 01:59:51,985
{\an8}I meant that the head of Netflix
literally has his whole hand

2063
01:59:52,052 --> 01:59:55,755
{\an8}up Kevin's ass
and can make him do anything.

2064
01:59:55,822 --> 01:59:58,024
[audience laughing]

2065
02:00:00,760 --> 02:00:05,198
{\an8}Kevin only has one rule
in his movies, no N-word.

2066
02:00:06,433 --> 02:00:08,334
{\an8}And that N word is "No."

2067
02:00:08,401 --> 02:00:09,903
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2068
02:00:09,969 --> 02:00:12,806
He's never fucking said it, never ever.

2069
02:00:12,872 --> 02:00:18,978
<i>Scary Movie 3, Ride Along,</i>
<i>Night School, Get Hard.</i>

2070
02:00:19,045 --> 02:00:21,314
{\an8}I turned down all of them.

2071
02:00:21,381 --> 02:00:23,983
{\an8}Cause I was not comfortable
being a coon.

2072
02:00:24,050 --> 02:00:25,685
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2073
02:00:27,987 --> 02:00:30,757
{\an8}Went right behind me for the same price.

2074
02:00:33,193 --> 02:00:35,862
{\an8}If you're gonna see a Kevin Hart movie,
do yourself a favor,

2075
02:00:35,929 --> 02:00:38,832
{\an8}see it in a Black theater
so you can hear words like,

2076
02:00:38,898 --> 02:00:40,834
{\an8}"I want my motherfucking
money back."

2077
02:00:41,835 --> 02:00:43,636
{\an8}And "I want my money back too."

2078
02:00:44,804 --> 02:00:48,007
{\an8}Or "This is some bullshit,
I want my money back."

2079
02:00:48,074 --> 02:00:50,844
[laughs]

2080
02:00:50,910 --> 02:00:53,012
Even The Rock can't save your ass.

2081
02:00:53,079 --> 02:00:54,614
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2082
02:00:54,681 --> 02:00:58,184
{\an8}Kevin and The Rock have
what you call a bromance.

2083
02:00:58,251 --> 02:01:02,088
{\an8}That's when two actors secretly fuck
the shit out of each other.

2084
02:01:02,155 --> 02:01:04,357
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

2085
02:01:09,896 --> 02:01:13,066
{\an8}But seriously, how can you not love Kevin?

2086
02:01:13,133 --> 02:01:16,836
{\an8}Only two people have done that,
me and his father.

2087
02:01:16,903 --> 02:01:19,639
{\an8}-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

2088
02:01:19,706 --> 02:01:22,909
{\an8}Kevin once said if his son was gay,
he would take a dollhouse

2089
02:01:22,976 --> 02:01:24,944
{\an8}and hit him over the head with it,

2090
02:01:25,011 --> 02:01:28,782
{\an8}which is arguably the gayest way
to abuse a child.

2091
02:01:28,848 --> 02:01:31,151
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

2092
02:01:37,624 --> 02:01:39,959
{\an8}But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

2093
02:01:41,060 --> 02:01:44,030
{\an8}You just can't do it. He's made of Teflon.

2094
02:01:45,365 --> 02:01:49,402
{\an8}They tried to cancel him
for being homophobic and I don't get it.

2095
02:01:49,469 --> 02:01:53,139
{\an8}I'm saying the guy who's obsessed
with shopping sprees and fitness,

2096
02:01:53,206 --> 02:01:55,441
{\an8}always surrounded by ten dudes

2097
02:01:55,508 --> 02:02:00,246
{\an8}and Chelsea Handler and oiled up
half-Samoan bodybuilders,

2098
02:02:00,313 --> 02:02:03,449
{\an8}and a vegan restaurant
and bought yoga pants.

2099
02:02:03,516 --> 02:02:07,654
{\an8}You think that guy is homophobic?
That guy is a fairy, bitch.

2100
02:02:07,720 --> 02:02:09,556
{\an8}-He is not.
-[audience laughing]

2101
02:02:09,622 --> 02:02:14,093
[Katt] That's the gayest man I ever met.
You slay, queen. You do that.

2102
02:02:14,160 --> 02:02:15,862
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

2103
02:02:19,132 --> 02:02:22,001
{\an8}They tried to cancel Kevin
for the Diddy parties.

2104
02:02:23,403 --> 02:02:25,371
{\an8}They hurled allegations at him.

2105
02:02:26,372 --> 02:02:28,708
{\an8}But thanks to all the baby oil…

2106
02:02:28,775 --> 02:02:30,643
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2107
02:02:30,710 --> 02:02:32,212
{\an8}…the charges didn't stick.

2108
02:02:36,382 --> 02:02:40,954
{\an8}Kevin famously was at a brunch of--
[scoffs] A brunch.

2109
02:02:41,020 --> 02:02:42,856
{\an8}[audience chuckling]

2110
02:02:44,290 --> 02:02:47,060
{\an8}Kevin was at a bunch of Diddy parties,

2111
02:02:47,126 --> 02:02:50,663
{\an8}but in his defense, it was only
'cause Diddy thought he was ten.

2112
02:02:50,730 --> 02:02:52,765
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2113
02:02:56,035 --> 02:02:59,873
{\an8}Kevin even hosted
a record release party for P. Diddy.

2114
02:02:59,939 --> 02:03:03,209
{\an8}There was a record number
of releases on the bed,

2115
02:03:03,276 --> 02:03:07,714
{\an8}in the pool, on the floor,
everywhere but the hoes.

2116
02:03:07,780 --> 02:03:10,516
[audience laughing]

2117
02:03:10,583 --> 02:03:15,054
But I want to be clear,
just because Kevin went to Diddy parties

2118
02:03:15,121 --> 02:03:17,924
does not mean he did something wrong.

2119
02:03:19,092 --> 02:03:21,861
{\an8}The fact that he gets all quiet
when you bring it up…

2120
02:03:21,928 --> 02:03:24,764
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2121
02:03:24,831 --> 02:03:26,733
{\an8}…that means he did something wrong.

2122
02:03:26,799 --> 02:03:29,736
{\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[laughs]

2123
02:03:33,840 --> 02:03:37,510
Yet people give him awards. [sighs]

2124
02:03:39,646 --> 02:03:43,383
{\an8}Kevin, I have an idea for a movie
where you travel back in time,

2125
02:03:43,449 --> 02:03:46,619
{\an8}and Mark Twain takes
his motherfucking award back

2126
02:03:46,686 --> 02:03:49,155
{\an8}-and calls you the N-word.
-[audience laughing]

2127
02:03:49,222 --> 02:03:53,092
Now, that's a good movie,
so I know you'll pass on it.

2128
02:03:56,229 --> 02:03:57,697
{\an8}All right, listen.

2129
02:03:57,764 --> 02:04:01,734
{\an8}I could go on all night hating
on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it.

2130
02:04:01,801 --> 02:04:04,103
{\an8}[audience laughing, applauding]

2131
02:04:05,238 --> 02:04:07,006
-[Katt] But at some point…
-[laughs]

2132
02:04:08,041 --> 02:04:11,878
…you've got to look yourself
in the mirror and say,

2133
02:04:11,945 --> 02:04:15,982
"Do I really want to have beef
with the rabbit, Snowball,

2134
02:04:16,049 --> 02:04:18,351
from <i>The Secret Life of Pets 2?"</i>

2135
02:04:18,418 --> 02:04:20,420
[audience laughing, applauding]

2136
02:04:23,089 --> 02:04:24,624
{\an8}Yes, I do, Kevin.

2137
02:04:25,925 --> 02:04:26,926
{\an8}Yes, I do.

2138
02:04:28,428 --> 02:04:30,496
{\an8}Motherfucker wouldn't even play
a Black rabbit.

2139
02:04:30,563 --> 02:04:34,467
{\an8}-Can you imagine the coonery?
-[audience laughing, applauding]

2140
02:04:34,534 --> 02:04:37,303
{\an8}I'm out. Good night, Inglewood.
Thank y'all so much.

2141
02:04:37,370 --> 02:04:40,740
{\an8}-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[Kevin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

2142
02:04:40,807 --> 02:04:43,743
Wait, Katt, Katt, wait. Hold on.

2143
02:04:43,810 --> 02:04:46,746
Just give me,
give me one fucking minute.

2144
02:04:47,747 --> 02:04:51,584
Me and this man have been
at odds for years on years.

2145
02:04:51,651 --> 02:04:54,587
You coming out here,
quite the fucking surprise,

2146
02:04:54,654 --> 02:04:56,189
but Katt, I can sit and I can watch you,

2147
02:04:56,255 --> 02:04:59,325
I can laugh,
because I'm a fucking fan first, okay?

2148
02:04:59,392 --> 02:05:02,395
-I'm a fan first.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2149
02:05:02,462 --> 02:05:06,165
Katt, we have an opportunity
in real time,

2150
02:05:06,232 --> 02:05:10,269
this is live television,
to put our fucking beef behind us.

2151
02:05:10,336 --> 02:05:14,474
I am offering you
an olive branch of peace.

2152
02:05:14,540 --> 02:05:17,543
I wanna be a brother,
I wanna be a friend.

2153
02:05:17,610 --> 02:05:19,445
Katt, I wanna move on.

2154
02:05:19,512 --> 02:05:23,049
-Can we move on, man? Can we move on?
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2155
02:05:25,852 --> 02:05:27,086
Katt Williams one time,

2156
02:05:27,153 --> 02:05:28,988
ladies and gentlemen,
Katt fucking Williams.

2157
02:05:29,055 --> 02:05:30,890
[audience cheering, applauding]

2158
02:05:37,630 --> 02:05:42,035
{\an8}All right, how about that?
Those little tiny guys being friends.

2159
02:05:43,870 --> 02:05:45,505
{\an8}So funny,
like they're gonna do something.

2160
02:05:45,571 --> 02:05:48,608
{\an8}"What are you gonna do?" Shut up.

2161
02:05:48,674 --> 02:05:53,646
{\an8}Fucking 220-pound man being like,
"you wanna squash some beef or what?"

2162
02:05:53,713 --> 02:05:55,081
{\an8}Shut up. [chuckles]

2163
02:05:56,516 --> 02:05:58,551
They're so little, who cares?

2164
02:06:01,054 --> 02:06:02,822
{\an8}[chuckles]

2165
02:06:02,889 --> 02:06:07,193
{\an8}And now, to present Kevin
with a very special gift from Compton,

2166
02:06:07,260 --> 02:06:10,329
{\an8}California, American Icons,
Venus and Serena Williams.

2167
02:06:10,396 --> 02:06:13,166
{\an8}-[upbeat music playing]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2168
02:06:26,913 --> 02:06:29,649
-[music concludes]
-[cheering, applause]

2169
02:06:29,715 --> 02:06:33,152
{\an8}Have we won a few Grand Slam titles?

2170
02:06:33,219 --> 02:06:37,123
{\an8}Forty-eight actually between us
and eight Olympic gold medals.

2171
02:06:38,124 --> 02:06:40,693
{\an8}We have been called the GOATs
in our own right.

2172
02:06:40,760 --> 02:06:43,229
{\an8}We have also been called
to do this tonight.

2173
02:06:43,296 --> 02:06:45,498
{\an8}And we did say no three times.

2174
02:06:46,833 --> 02:06:49,669
{\an8}But Kevin is a friend, so we're here.

2175
02:06:49,735 --> 02:06:52,839
{\an8}But our question remains,
what are you the GOAT of?

2176
02:06:52,905 --> 02:06:55,274
{\an8}So what awards does Kevin have?
Is it an Oscar?

2177
02:06:55,341 --> 02:06:58,244
{\an8}-No, no, no.
-Okay, Emmy, right?

2178
02:06:58,311 --> 02:07:00,480
{\an8}-No.
-Grammy?

2179
02:07:00,546 --> 02:07:02,949
{\an8}-No, actually that's our girl, Lizzo.
-Hey, Lizzo.

2180
02:07:03,015 --> 02:07:05,284
-[Serena] Hey.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2181
02:07:05,351 --> 02:07:07,420
{\an8}I thought he said he had the EGOT.

2182
02:07:07,487 --> 02:07:10,623
{\an8}He did, but as in,
he ain't got no awards.

2183
02:07:10,690 --> 02:07:12,658
{\an8}[both chuckle]

2184
02:07:12,725 --> 02:07:16,796
Okay, okay. But you don't need
to have an award to be a GOAT.

2185
02:07:16,863 --> 02:07:19,899
You can be a GOAT of so many things.

2186
02:07:19,966 --> 02:07:23,035
{\an8}Well, maybe he's a GOAT
of freestyle rapping.

2187
02:07:23,102 --> 02:07:25,104
{\an8}No, I think that's Black Thought.

2188
02:07:25,171 --> 02:07:27,240
{\an8}[audience cheer]

2189
02:07:27,306 --> 02:07:29,609
[Serena]
Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of football?

2190
02:07:29,675 --> 02:07:31,978
{\an8}No, it's Tom Brady.
I heard he already left.

2191
02:07:32,044 --> 02:07:33,880
{\an8}Honestly, I don't blame him.

2192
02:07:33,946 --> 02:07:36,816
{\an8}I guess a G does have to stand
for "great,"

2193
02:07:36,883 --> 02:07:38,751
{\an8}or it doesn't have to stand for great.

2194
02:07:38,818 --> 02:07:41,954
{\an8}Oh. Maybe it stands for grating?

2195
02:07:42,021 --> 02:07:44,257
{\an8}Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

2196
02:07:44,323 --> 02:07:47,860
You know, you don't have to be great.
You don't have to be great.

2197
02:07:47,927 --> 02:07:50,930
Maybe he's good.
Maybe he's the goodest of all time.

2198
02:07:50,997 --> 02:07:53,232
{\an8}[chuckles] He's a good time.

2199
02:07:53,299 --> 02:07:56,736
{\an8}He's definitely a good time.
Baby oil.

2200
02:07:56,802 --> 02:08:02,208
{\an8}But seriously… [laughs] …seriously,
Kevin, we got nothing but love.

2201
02:08:02,275 --> 02:08:04,477
{\an8}-We love you.
-We love you so much.

2202
02:08:04,544 --> 02:08:07,880
And as you know in tennis,
love means nothing.

2203
02:08:07,947 --> 02:08:10,917
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2204
02:08:11,918 --> 02:08:15,588
{\an8}But since we didn't wanna leave you
with nothing again,

2205
02:08:15,655 --> 02:08:17,957
{\an8}we brought you
the most coveted GOAT ring,

2206
02:08:18,024 --> 02:08:20,526
{\an8}which we give
to the most honorable guest.

2207
02:08:20,593 --> 02:08:21,527
Here you go.

2208
02:08:21,594 --> 02:08:23,396
Oh my God. That's a ring for me?

2209
02:08:23,462 --> 02:08:27,233
{\an8}[Venus] It's a ring for you.
Come on up. Come up here.

2210
02:08:27,300 --> 02:08:29,068
{\an8}-There you go.
-Oh, my God.

2211
02:08:29,135 --> 02:08:33,472
{\an8}And if you don't want it, you can pawn it
two blocks from here, you know.

2212
02:08:33,539 --> 02:08:35,107
{\an8}-Yes, okay.
-No, I want it.

2213
02:08:35,174 --> 02:08:36,742
{\an8}Oh, and one more thing.
Can you sit down?

2214
02:08:36,809 --> 02:08:38,411
{\an8}-Yeah, sorry.
-This is our moment.

2215
02:08:38,477 --> 02:08:39,812
{\an8}[both chuckle]

2216
02:08:39,879 --> 02:08:44,984
{\an8}Kevin Hart production wouldn't be complete
without this one man.

2217
02:08:47,587 --> 02:08:50,089
{\an8}["We Will Rock You" rendition playing]

2218
02:08:50,156 --> 02:08:52,091
[audience cheering, applauding]

2219
02:08:53,793 --> 02:08:57,530
<i>♪ We will, we will rock you ♪</i>

2220
02:08:59,465 --> 02:09:03,636
<i>♪ We will, we will rock you ♪</i>

2221
02:09:06,872 --> 02:09:10,176
[audience cheering]

2222
02:09:12,678 --> 02:09:14,847
Finally!

2223
02:09:17,483 --> 02:09:20,152
-Daddy's home.
-[audience cheering]

2224
02:09:31,797 --> 02:09:36,502
Yes. We're gonna put
some kerosene on this bitch.

2225
02:09:37,837 --> 02:09:41,073
We're gonna burn this motherfucker down.

2226
02:09:43,643 --> 02:09:46,579
-What's up, Inglewood?
-[audience cheering]

2227
02:09:58,824 --> 02:10:00,593
My boy, Aaron Donald.

2228
02:10:00,660 --> 02:10:02,862
This is what you're doing in retirement.
That's fucked up.

2229
02:10:02,928 --> 02:10:04,263
You owe me a workout.

2230
02:10:31,991 --> 02:10:33,693
[Dwayne] Mwah, mwah, mwah!

2231
02:10:48,240 --> 02:10:53,045
{\an8}I know what JLo is thinking,
thank fuck The Rock has arrived.

2232
02:10:53,112 --> 02:10:55,047
{\an8}Yes, I'm here.

2233
02:10:56,816 --> 02:10:57,817
{\an8}Finally.

2234
02:10:58,984 --> 02:11:04,056
{\an8}I've been waiting my entire life for this,
where I can come to a Kevin Hart roast.

2235
02:11:04,123 --> 02:11:05,491
{\an8}-I could have fun.
-[audience member] Whoo!

2236
02:11:05,558 --> 02:11:07,159
{\an8}Whoo! Thank you.

2237
02:11:07,226 --> 02:11:10,262
{\an8}And I could just talk shit.

2238
02:11:15,668 --> 02:11:19,305
{\an8}The franchise Viagra is in the house.

2239
02:11:21,107 --> 02:11:24,610
{\an8}Now this roast
can go hard all night long.

2240
02:11:27,213 --> 02:11:29,248
Buckle up, Netflix.

2241
02:11:29,315 --> 02:11:31,083
Tudum, motherfuckers.

2242
02:11:33,285 --> 02:11:36,389
{\an8}Now, I know what you're all assuming
is that I'm here

2243
02:11:36,455 --> 02:11:40,860
{\an8}to carry another
shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

2244
02:11:40,926 --> 02:11:43,562
{\an8}But for once, that's not the case.

2245
02:11:43,629 --> 02:11:45,498
{\an8}I'm actually here tonight
because someone needs

2246
02:11:45,564 --> 02:11:48,234
{\an8}to chew up Kevin's food
and spit it in his mouth.

2247
02:11:49,935 --> 02:11:53,072
Isn't that right,
my little chocolate baby bird?

2248
02:11:55,141 --> 02:11:57,009
{\an8}You laugh because it's true.

2249
02:11:59,078 --> 02:12:01,247
{\an8}Hello, Kevin. Shut up.

2250
02:12:03,716 --> 02:12:05,751
Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

2251
02:12:14,326 --> 02:12:17,897
{\an8}None of you dudes,
you sons of bitches,

2252
02:12:17,963 --> 02:12:21,367
{\an8}none of you have the right to talk shit
about Kevin and put him down.

2253
02:12:21,434 --> 02:12:25,237
{\an8}None of you have the right to talk shit
about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

2254
02:12:26,939 --> 02:12:28,407
Only me.

2255
02:12:28,474 --> 02:12:30,276
{\an8}I know every single guy on this dais

2256
02:12:30,342 --> 02:12:32,545
{\an8}would piss themselves
if I took a punch.

2257
02:12:33,579 --> 02:12:36,482
{\an8}I know one guy who would cum
if I choked him out.

2258
02:12:38,918 --> 02:12:40,920
Stop smiling, Jeff.

2259
02:12:40,986 --> 02:12:43,155
[inaudible]

2260
02:12:45,291 --> 02:12:47,259
{\an8}Jeff Ross, my friends, good to see you.

2261
02:12:48,461 --> 02:12:50,863
-Good to see you, I love you too.
-Thank you.

2262
02:12:52,198 --> 02:12:56,969
You know where I come from,
we have a word for guys like you, fat.

2263
02:13:01,941 --> 02:13:06,378
{\an8}How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now
in this fucking red outfit?

2264
02:13:07,680 --> 02:13:08,914
Jeff is so gross,

2265
02:13:08,981 --> 02:13:11,951
he's a sixty-year-old bachelor
who's never been married

2266
02:13:12,017 --> 02:13:16,889
and no one has ever even
suggested that he might be gay.

2267
02:13:21,227 --> 02:13:23,195
[inaudible]

2268
02:13:23,262 --> 02:13:25,030
{\an8}-You would fuck me?
-[Jeff] Yeah.

2269
02:13:25,097 --> 02:13:28,000
{\an8}God, well I wouldn't fuck you,
so sit down and shut up.

2270
02:13:29,702 --> 02:13:31,971
{\an8}And what the fuck
are you laughing at, Shane?

2271
02:13:34,607 --> 02:13:35,774
I'm gonna get him.

2272
02:13:36,976 --> 02:13:40,579
Shane, why? [laughs]

2273
02:13:41,981 --> 02:13:44,683
'Cause I'm drunk
and you're gonna get it, that's it.

2274
02:13:44,750 --> 02:13:48,420
Shane, if you're here tonight,
then who's out in the woods

2275
02:13:48,487 --> 02:13:52,124
ass-raping canoers
until they squeal like a pig?

2276
02:13:52,191 --> 02:13:56,061
[The Roots playing banjo music]

2277
02:13:58,063 --> 02:13:59,365
Oh, shut up, The Roots.

2278
02:14:01,800 --> 02:14:04,904
If you're gonna play the fucking song,
play it right, from <i>Deliverance.</i>

2279
02:14:04,970 --> 02:14:07,706
[vocalizing]

2280
02:14:07,773 --> 02:14:09,942
{\an8}I don't know what the fuck
you just played.

2281
02:14:15,114 --> 02:14:16,482
{\an8}[chuckles] He's like, no money.

2282
02:14:16,549 --> 02:14:18,751
{\an8}All right, well,
fuck, that ain't my problem.

2283
02:14:21,954 --> 02:14:23,622
{\an8}You know…

2284
02:14:23,689 --> 02:14:28,394
{\an8}You know, Shane Gillis
and I actually worked out together once.

2285
02:14:28,460 --> 02:14:31,864
{\an8}True story.
You're smiling because it's true.

2286
02:14:31,931 --> 02:14:33,265
It happened.

2287
02:14:33,332 --> 02:14:36,468
{\an8}And he was throwing some weights
around and I was impressed.

2288
02:14:36,535 --> 02:14:38,237
{\an8}You know, he was a fit guy.

2289
02:14:39,338 --> 02:14:42,942
{\an8}But not as fit,
not as nearly fit as his mom.

2290
02:14:43,008 --> 02:14:46,712
No, true story.
That bitch had a six pack.

2291
02:14:47,780 --> 02:14:50,449
Every night she was pregnant with Shane.

2292
02:14:56,055 --> 02:14:57,423
{\an8}You drink 'cause it's true.

2293
02:15:00,993 --> 02:15:02,995
{\an8}And one of my favorites, hello, Chelsea.

2294
02:15:04,797 --> 02:15:06,465
Whoo!

2295
02:15:06,532 --> 02:15:07,533
You look beautiful.

2296
02:15:09,468 --> 02:15:12,304
Everybody, yes, yeah. Chelsea, by the way.

2297
02:15:17,376 --> 02:15:18,644
{\an8}Don't fuck with Chelsea.

2298
02:15:20,112 --> 02:15:22,348
{\an8}Everyone's been here.
They come up talking shit about you.

2299
02:15:22,414 --> 02:15:25,918
{\an8}That ain't easy to do. You hold your own.
You're just a boss lady up here.

2300
02:15:25,985 --> 02:15:29,822
{\an8}I wanna come out here and I wanna
give Chelsea her flowers.

2301
02:15:29,888 --> 02:15:32,157
I just want to take a minute,
yes, I want to take a minute

2302
02:15:32,224 --> 02:15:34,760
to congratulate Chelsea because BET just

2303
02:15:34,827 --> 02:15:37,896
gave her poontang
a Lifetime Achievement Award.

2304
02:15:39,231 --> 02:15:40,399
It's true, right, Kevin?

2305
02:15:40,466 --> 02:15:43,469
Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

2306
02:15:44,637 --> 02:15:47,640
{\an8}Chelsea recently said,
marriage is outdated.

2307
02:15:47,706 --> 02:15:51,644
{\an8}But remember, Chelsea,
also outdated is dying alone.

2308
02:15:58,951 --> 02:16:00,786
{\an8}Chelsea also said she can't be racist

2309
02:16:00,853 --> 02:16:02,788
{\an8}because she fucks a lot of Black guys.

2310
02:16:04,923 --> 02:16:07,493
{\an8}Which is like Tony
saying he can't be homophobic

2311
02:16:07,559 --> 02:16:09,495
{\an8}because he fucks a lot of Black guys.

2312
02:16:13,499 --> 02:16:17,503
{\an8}Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot.

2313
02:16:22,675 --> 02:16:27,479
{\an8}You look like, I'm gonna cook,
you look like a plantation owner

2314
02:16:27,546 --> 02:16:29,548
{\an8}who makes his slaves perform musicals.

2315
02:16:43,295 --> 02:16:45,297
{\an8}Draymond is in the house, my guy.

2316
02:16:50,969 --> 02:16:54,106
{\an8}Wait a second, hey,
Draymond, that's your name, right?

2317
02:16:54,173 --> 02:16:56,675
{\an8}That's my boy.
I was thinking about this, you know.

2318
02:16:57,810 --> 02:17:00,479
{\an8}Of all the cool ass
Black names you could have,

2319
02:17:00,546 --> 02:17:03,916
{\an8}that is the laziest fucking
Black name I've ever heard.

2320
02:17:03,982 --> 02:17:07,419
{\an8}Because all you did was put a D
in front of Raymond.

2321
02:17:09,688 --> 02:17:12,157
{\an8}Yeah. It's fucking dretarded.

2322
02:17:21,166 --> 02:17:23,902
{\an8}And on top of all that,
your retarded name,

2323
02:17:23,969 --> 02:17:25,971
{\an8}your team got bounced from the playoffs.

2324
02:17:28,640 --> 02:17:32,244
{\an8}So I'm just saying,
'cause you're my boy and I love you,

2325
02:17:32,311 --> 02:17:34,213
{\an8}maybe it's time to retire.

2326
02:17:36,148 --> 02:17:37,516
{\an8}I'm sorry, to dretire.

2327
02:17:41,553 --> 02:17:45,824
{\an8}And Pete Davidson, my boy,
you freaky little motherfucker.

2328
02:17:47,760 --> 02:17:50,662
{\an8}We go way back, Pete.
Yes, we do.

2329
02:17:50,729 --> 02:17:54,166
{\an8}You look like a white guy
doing blackface doing whiteface.

2330
02:17:54,233 --> 02:17:55,901
{\an8}What the fuck?

2331
02:17:55,968 --> 02:17:57,069
[inaudible]

2332
02:17:57,136 --> 02:17:59,338
[Dwayne] How the fuck, I love you too.

2333
02:18:03,008 --> 02:18:05,344
{\an8}And somehow you're still
the best-looking guy

2334
02:18:05,410 --> 02:18:08,280
{\an8}on this dais until I showed up.
It's just me and you.

2335
02:18:10,315 --> 02:18:11,316
Shut up, Kevin.

2336
02:18:12,918 --> 02:18:15,187
{\an8}And I wanna just take a moment
just to give a shout out,

2337
02:18:15,254 --> 02:18:17,990
{\an8}give flowers to all the ladies up here
on this dais.

2338
02:18:21,293 --> 02:18:25,364
{\an8}You all look
beautiful, magnificent, sexy.

2339
02:18:29,067 --> 02:18:30,869
{\an8}You know who else looks sexy?

2340
02:18:32,538 --> 02:18:33,906
{\an8}Kevin's wife, Eniko.

2341
02:18:33,972 --> 02:18:35,073
{\an8}[Kevin] What the fuck?

2342
02:18:35,140 --> 02:18:37,042
{\an8}What do you mean, what the fuck?
Just sit down.

2343
02:18:37,109 --> 02:18:39,144
I'm just giving her compliment.

2344
02:18:39,211 --> 02:18:41,780
-Okay, no, listen.
-No fucking listen.

2345
02:18:41,847 --> 02:18:43,949
What the fuck are you doing?

2346
02:18:44,016 --> 02:18:46,885
{\an8}-It's my fucking wife.
-I know, I'm just giving her compliment.

2347
02:18:46,952 --> 02:18:49,755
{\an8}-She looks beautiful and sexy.
-[Kevin] That's not how you said it.

2348
02:18:49,822 --> 02:18:50,823
You didn't say it like that
the first time.

2349
02:18:50,889 --> 02:18:52,090
How did I say it? What do you mean?

2350
02:18:52,157 --> 02:18:54,693
-You said it different the first time.
-[Dwayne] I said she's sexy.

2351
02:18:54,760 --> 02:18:57,229
Don't fucking say it like that.

2352
02:18:57,296 --> 02:18:58,597
Don't do that.

2353
02:18:58,664 --> 02:19:00,799
-Don't fucking do that.
-Hold on, Chelsea.

2354
02:19:00,866 --> 02:19:05,070
Don't you think it's time
for your wife to have a real man?

2355
02:19:05,137 --> 02:19:06,305
What?

2356
02:19:08,340 --> 02:19:09,508
Don't you think it's time

2357
02:19:09,575 --> 02:19:13,779
for Eniko to be with somebody
that is bigger than her?

2358
02:19:13,846 --> 02:19:15,280
[Dwayne] Yes.

2359
02:19:15,347 --> 02:19:16,849
I think my wife is real happy.

2360
02:19:16,915 --> 02:19:19,351
Let's ask her. Let's ask her.
See if she's happy.

2361
02:19:19,418 --> 02:19:22,354
-She doesn't look happy.
-I know my wife is fucking happy.

2362
02:19:22,421 --> 02:19:24,523
I don't know if she's happy.

2363
02:19:24,590 --> 02:19:26,925
[Shane] Kevin's a little humper.
That's a genre.

2364
02:19:26,992 --> 02:19:28,427
Honey, are you happy with me?

2365
02:19:28,493 --> 02:19:30,395
-One hundred percent.
-You know what she just said?

2366
02:19:30,462 --> 02:19:32,798
[Chelsea] Would you be happier
with The Rock?

2367
02:19:32,865 --> 02:19:34,032
Or any rock?

2368
02:19:34,099 --> 02:19:36,301
[Kevin] Yeah,
did you hear what she just said?

2369
02:19:36,368 --> 02:19:38,470
She just said, fuck him.
That's what she just said.

2370
02:19:38,537 --> 02:19:39,905
-[Dwayne] She didn't say that.
-She said, fuck you.

2371
02:19:39,972 --> 02:19:42,074
[Dwayne] Okay, well listen,
I'm gonna tell you what.

2372
02:19:42,140 --> 02:19:44,309
{\an8}Of all the awards tonight,
Chelsea's getting an award

2373
02:19:44,376 --> 02:19:46,712
{\an8}for her poontang,
Lifetime Achievement Award.

2374
02:19:46,778 --> 02:19:51,016
{\an8}Your wife, her poontang and awards,
she deserves an award, an Academy Award

2375
02:19:51,083 --> 02:19:52,517
{\an8}for pretending she likes to fuck you.

2376
02:19:52,584 --> 02:19:53,752
{\an8}-That's the thing.
-[Kevin] What the fuck was that?

2377
02:19:53,819 --> 02:19:54,920
{\an8}[Dwayne] Yes.

2378
02:19:55,954 --> 02:19:59,124
-[Kevin] You son of a bitch.
-And the award goes to.

2379
02:19:59,191 --> 02:20:00,359
{\an8}[Kevin] You fuck stick.

2380
02:20:01,493 --> 02:20:02,494
{\an8}You fuck stick.

2381
02:20:02,561 --> 02:20:05,664
{\an8}Okay, listen, all right,
I'm not gonna do that,

2382
02:20:05,731 --> 02:20:06,932
I won't do that.

2383
02:20:08,467 --> 02:20:09,534
Hey, Eniko.

2384
02:20:13,972 --> 02:20:16,975
{\an8}I'm just gonna say, how about later
on tonight, you and I together,

2385
02:20:17,042 --> 02:20:19,211
{\an8}we'll open up a bottle of tequila
and we…

2386
02:20:21,813 --> 02:20:24,016
{\an8}Stop squirming, Kevin,
don't look at me like that.

2387
02:20:24,082 --> 02:20:25,951
{\an8}[Chelsea]
A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila.

2388
02:20:26,018 --> 02:20:28,387
{\an8}-Grand Cormino.
-You and The Rock.

2389
02:20:28,453 --> 02:20:31,256
You'll throw up with that,
as you usually do, listen.

2390
02:20:33,025 --> 02:20:34,860
You want Teremana,
you want the good shit,

2391
02:20:34,927 --> 02:20:37,930
{\an8}you want The Rock, the good shit.
Listen, they know.

2392
02:20:42,834 --> 02:20:45,370
{\an8}All right, but as you know,

2393
02:20:45,437 --> 02:20:47,906
{\an8}we'll let you watch
like we always do, okay?

2394
02:20:49,274 --> 02:20:53,345
Hey, it's just jokes from the corner
of the room, strapped tight

2395
02:20:53,412 --> 02:20:55,113
in your cuck high chair.

2396
02:20:55,180 --> 02:20:56,181
Listen.

2397
02:20:59,952 --> 02:21:01,420
I'm not a sick fuck.

2398
02:21:01,486 --> 02:21:03,588
All right. Well, you guys can Google
what that means later.

2399
02:21:03,655 --> 02:21:06,425
{\an8}Listen. Here's the thing.

2400
02:21:06,491 --> 02:21:09,428
{\an8}I actually get why women love Kevin Hart.

2401
02:21:09,494 --> 02:21:13,465
{\an8}I totally get it.
I know. Well, I'll tell you why.

2402
02:21:13,532 --> 02:21:16,168
{\an8}He's the same size
and color as their favorite dildo.

2403
02:21:18,870 --> 02:21:21,106
{\an8}And the little motherfucker
is twice as loud.

2404
02:21:24,276 --> 02:21:28,146
{\an8}You know, ladies and gentlemen…
You laugh because it's true.

2405
02:21:28,213 --> 02:21:29,982
{\an8}But you know…

2406
02:21:30,048 --> 02:21:33,085
Ladies and gentlemen,
Kevin and I actually have,

2407
02:21:33,151 --> 02:21:34,653
we have many things in common.

2408
02:21:34,720 --> 02:21:37,622
It's why the guy's my best friend
and something else we have

2409
02:21:37,689 --> 02:21:41,660
{\an8}in common is, yeah, we do.

2410
02:21:41,727 --> 02:21:46,665
{\an8}And I love the guy and we also have this
in common is recently,

2411
02:21:46,732 --> 02:21:47,966
{\an8}both of our dads died.

2412
02:21:48,967 --> 02:21:50,469
{\an8}-[Kevin] It's true.
-It's true.

2413
02:21:51,970 --> 02:21:53,839
And I thought, well,

2414
02:21:53,905 --> 02:21:58,076
maybe I shouldn't bring this up
because it's heavy, but I thought,

2415
02:21:58,143 --> 02:21:59,778
it is something that bonds us.

2416
02:21:59,845 --> 02:22:02,781
And I said, yeah, let me talk about it.

2417
02:22:02,848 --> 02:22:04,950
As many of you may know, my old man,

2418
02:22:05,017 --> 02:22:07,786
{\an8}he came here to the Forum
back in the '70s.

2419
02:22:07,853 --> 02:22:09,955
{\an8}My dad, he was
the "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson.

2420
02:22:10,022 --> 02:22:12,391
{\an8}He was a bad dude in the game.

2421
02:22:12,457 --> 02:22:15,427
{\an8}Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad.

2422
02:22:15,494 --> 02:22:19,197
{\an8}He was tall and strong and big.
And where's he at?

2423
02:22:19,264 --> 02:22:21,633
{\an8}No, that's not him. Where's he at?

2424
02:22:23,168 --> 02:22:24,169
Somewhere.

2425
02:22:26,605 --> 02:22:29,141
He's somewhere,
he looked like a superhero.

2426
02:22:30,509 --> 02:22:32,010
Where is my dad?

2427
02:22:32,077 --> 02:22:34,713
They put him out there.
He's out there, okay, good.

2428
02:22:34,780 --> 02:22:36,782
Can you guys see my old man?

2429
02:22:36,848 --> 02:22:40,018
Okay, cool, there he is, yeah.

2430
02:22:40,085 --> 02:22:42,621
{\an8}He was a fucking tank, you know?

2431
02:22:42,687 --> 02:22:44,156
{\an8}Now, whereas Kevin's dad.

2432
02:22:45,724 --> 02:22:46,658
{\an8}[laughs]

2433
02:22:53,131 --> 02:22:55,500
[Kevin] You son of a bitch.

2434
02:22:55,567 --> 02:22:57,369
You son of a bitch.

2435
02:22:58,703 --> 02:23:00,472
What the fuck was that, man?

2436
02:23:02,741 --> 02:23:04,409
{\an8}You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

2437
02:23:04,476 --> 02:23:09,114
-There's a better picture of my dad.
-[Dwayne] Okay, okay. [laughs]

2438
02:23:09,181 --> 02:23:12,851
{\an8}No, I just wanted to show
both our dads showing their chest

2439
02:23:12,918 --> 02:23:16,388
{\an8}and what their bodies look like.
Okay, look, you are right.

2440
02:23:16,455 --> 02:23:17,456
{\an8}Come on, guys.

2441
02:23:20,125 --> 02:23:22,260
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2442
02:23:22,327 --> 02:23:25,730
{\an8}There's a bitter picture of Kevin's dad.

2443
02:23:25,797 --> 02:23:27,599
That's right.

2444
02:23:27,666 --> 02:23:29,167
Whoever released
these pictures are fired.

2445
02:23:29,234 --> 02:23:31,803
You're fucking fired.

2446
02:23:31,870 --> 02:23:34,106
-[laughs]
-Son of a bitch.

2447
02:23:34,172 --> 02:23:38,176
There he is.
That is a legit mugshot of Kevin's dad.

2448
02:23:38,243 --> 02:23:41,580
-[laughs]
-And as we all know,

2449
02:23:41,646 --> 02:23:43,148
I met Kevin's dad.

2450
02:23:43,215 --> 02:23:46,184
{\an8}And as we all know,
you know, Kevin's dad,

2451
02:23:46,251 --> 02:23:49,621
{\an8}Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead.

2452
02:23:49,688 --> 02:23:52,023
{\an8}-[Kevin] Yeah. [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

2453
02:23:52,090 --> 02:23:54,292
{\an8}And he loved the crack.

2454
02:23:57,162 --> 02:23:59,097
{\an8}And that was before he even met Kevin.

2455
02:24:01,233 --> 02:24:04,903
{\an8}You know, Kevin realized that the only way
to win his dad's love was

2456
02:24:04,970 --> 02:24:08,440
{\an8}if he too fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

2457
02:24:08,507 --> 02:24:10,642
{\an8}[audience laughs]

2458
02:24:10,709 --> 02:24:13,278
And Kevin, just like your dad,

2459
02:24:13,345 --> 02:24:16,081
{\an8}it's wild how much you need the rock.

2460
02:24:16,148 --> 02:24:17,916
{\an8}[audience laughs]

2461
02:24:17,983 --> 02:24:20,018
[Dwayne] Oh, Kevin. [laughs]

2462
02:24:22,621 --> 02:24:23,755
{\an8}It's good.

2463
02:24:25,757 --> 02:24:28,360
{\an8}Ah, my little crack baby, Kevin.

2464
02:24:29,427 --> 02:24:30,929
{\an8}My little crack baby, Kevin.

2465
02:24:30,996 --> 02:24:36,401
{\an8}You know, your dad, true story,
his dad even named Kevin after crack.

2466
02:24:36,468 --> 02:24:40,672
{\an8}Yes, because he legitimately
thought it was spelled with a K.

2467
02:24:40,739 --> 02:24:43,508
{\an8}True story.
And what's the medical term for that?

2468
02:24:43,575 --> 02:24:46,778
{\an8}-Oh, fucking idiot. Yes.
-[laughs]

2469
02:24:46,845 --> 02:24:51,583
Now, I know, you're sweating and crying.
I know, I know you well.

2470
02:24:51,650 --> 02:24:54,786
I know our dads right now are
looking down on us from the clouds

2471
02:24:54,853 --> 02:24:56,321
and I hope they're proud.

2472
02:24:57,455 --> 02:24:59,324
I think they are.

2473
02:24:59,391 --> 02:25:01,159
You know, I know your dad has
to look a little harder

2474
02:25:01,226 --> 02:25:03,461
because you're a fucking dwarf.

2475
02:25:03,528 --> 02:25:05,530
But, but…

2476
02:25:06,898 --> 02:25:08,967
-I love you brother.
-[Kevin] I love you too. Thank you.

2477
02:25:09,034 --> 02:25:11,803
I know you love me too.
I love you, yes, I do.

2478
02:25:11,870 --> 02:25:13,338
I really do.

2479
02:25:13,405 --> 02:25:17,008
[audience cheering, applauding]

2480
02:25:17,075 --> 02:25:21,413
{\an8}And just to prove it, just last week
I got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

2481
02:25:22,714 --> 02:25:24,316
{\an8}Yeah, whoo! On my cock.

2482
02:25:25,750 --> 02:25:27,185
{\an8}Yeah, life size too.

2483
02:25:28,787 --> 02:25:30,855
Kevin, I want to show you really quickly.

2484
02:25:32,190 --> 02:25:34,259
-Get the fuck out of here.
-Okay, okay, okay.

2485
02:25:34,326 --> 02:25:36,861
-Stop it, man.
-Okay, no problem, no.

2486
02:25:36,928 --> 02:25:38,930
-Eniko, I'll show you later.
-[Kevin] Hey, what the fuck?

2487
02:25:38,997 --> 02:25:40,465
-I'm sorry.
-[Kevin] What the fuck are you doing, man?

2488
02:25:40,532 --> 02:25:41,700
[Dwayne] I'm sorry, listen.

2489
02:25:41,766 --> 02:25:43,635
-What the fuck is that?
-Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

2490
02:25:43,702 --> 02:25:45,003
It's my fucking wife, man.

2491
02:25:45,070 --> 02:25:46,304
[Dwayne] I'm kidding,
she's already seen it. Listen.

2492
02:25:46,371 --> 02:25:48,873
-What the fuck is happening?
-I'm joking.

2493
02:25:48,940 --> 02:25:51,042
-The fuck are you doing, man?
-It's jokes.

2494
02:25:51,109 --> 02:25:53,478
It's my fucking wife, man.

2495
02:25:53,545 --> 02:25:56,915
Mwah! She's the best. I'm kidding, okay.

2496
02:25:56,982 --> 02:26:03,955
{\an8}But in all seriousness,
I would like to make a toast to you.

2497
02:26:04,289 --> 02:26:05,890
Can I make a toast to Kevin?

2498
02:26:05,957 --> 02:26:07,325
-Yes. Yes.
-My brother?

2499
02:26:08,360 --> 02:26:09,894
-All right.
-Yes.

2500
02:26:11,096 --> 02:26:15,000
Let's do it, let's do it.
Here, I'll pour myself one.

2501
02:26:15,066 --> 02:26:17,002
-You pour yourself one.
-Yeah.

2502
02:26:17,068 --> 02:26:20,472
-You pour the Grand Cormino.
-Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino.

2503
02:26:20,538 --> 02:26:22,841
-Okay.
-I'll pour the Teremana.

2504
02:26:22,907 --> 02:26:25,277
Why would you say
that about my fucking wife?

2505
02:26:25,343 --> 02:26:28,446
-I'm gonna talk to you later.
-[stutters]

2506
02:26:28,513 --> 02:26:29,881
I'll talk to you fucking later.

2507
02:26:29,948 --> 02:26:31,516
But you're the one
who said, "Hey, listen,

2508
02:26:31,583 --> 02:26:32,817
fucking say anything you want."

2509
02:26:32,884 --> 02:26:34,352
No, have a good time,
but what the fuck was that?

2510
02:26:34,419 --> 02:26:36,454
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Come on, let's take a toast.

2511
02:26:36,521 --> 02:26:39,958
Okay, let's take a toast. You know what,
here, let me sit down.

2512
02:26:40,025 --> 02:26:42,193
-Yeah, go, you sit down.
-Let me sit down.

2513
02:26:42,260 --> 02:26:43,628
No, you sit down, let me sit down.

2514
02:26:43,695 --> 02:26:45,497
-Come on.
-All right.

2515
02:26:45,563 --> 02:26:51,770
[audience cheering, applauding]

2516
02:26:51,836 --> 02:26:54,539
Um… Hey, listen.

2517
02:26:54,606 --> 02:26:57,409
-Before the toast comes, it's only right.
-Yeah.

2518
02:26:57,475 --> 02:26:58,843
Come sit on my knee.

2519
02:27:01,313 --> 02:27:02,947
Yes. No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

2520
02:27:03,014 --> 02:27:04,649
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-[Dwayne] No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

2521
02:27:04,716 --> 02:27:06,151
-Shut up, Shane.
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

2522
02:27:06,217 --> 02:27:08,353
-Sit on my knee.
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

2523
02:27:08,420 --> 02:27:09,387
We're gonna show brotherly love.

2524
02:27:09,454 --> 02:27:11,189
-You're gonna sit on my knee.
-No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix.

2525
02:27:11,256 --> 02:27:12,724
-[Chelsea] Do it! Do it!
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

2526
02:27:12,791 --> 02:27:14,326
-[Chelsea] Everyone wants you to sit down.
-Chelsea.

2527
02:27:14,392 --> 02:27:16,261
-I know you're gonna fucking do it.
-Chelsea, shut the fuck up.

2528
02:27:16,328 --> 02:27:17,762
-Yes, yes.
-No.

2529
02:27:17,829 --> 02:27:19,197
-No. Shane.
-Yes.

2530
02:27:19,264 --> 02:27:21,666
Katt Williams would be right.
Katt Williams would be right.

2531
02:27:21,733 --> 02:27:23,201
Shane, no.

2532
02:27:23,268 --> 02:27:24,969
-Don't let Katt win.
-Do you wanna see Kevin Hart

2533
02:27:25,036 --> 02:27:26,104
sit on my knee?

2534
02:27:26,171 --> 02:27:29,240
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-There you go.

2535
02:27:29,307 --> 02:27:31,009
-Okay.
-Sit on my knee.

2536
02:27:31,076 --> 02:27:33,044
I got a-- I got a better question.

2537
02:27:33,111 --> 02:27:35,280
Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves?

2538
02:27:35,347 --> 02:27:37,582
-Because I'm not fucking doing it!
-[laughs]

2539
02:27:37,649 --> 02:27:38,917
-No, man.
-Come on.

2540
02:27:38,983 --> 02:27:41,286
-[Kevin] No, fuck you, man.
-[Dwayne] I-- I-- I really mean this.

2541
02:27:41,353 --> 02:27:43,988
-No, I mean this, man. Fuck you.
-Okay, well-- well, get close.

2542
02:27:44,055 --> 02:27:45,824
All right, I'll sit right here.
I'll sit on this.

2543
02:27:45,890 --> 02:27:47,292
-All right, come on.
-Okay.

2544
02:27:47,359 --> 02:27:48,927
-Come on.
-All right.

2545
02:27:50,729 --> 02:27:54,032
-To brotherhood, to friendship.
-Absolutely.

2546
02:27:54,099 --> 02:27:55,934
And I-- I am always in your corner.

2547
02:27:56,000 --> 02:27:57,135
-Fucking love you.
-And I love you, man.

2548
02:27:57,202 --> 02:27:58,370
-I love you more, man.
-I love you, too.

2549
02:27:58,436 --> 02:28:01,973
-Love you more. It's my brother, man.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2550
02:28:02,040 --> 02:28:03,842
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on,

2551
02:28:03,908 --> 02:28:05,944
hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

2552
02:28:06,010 --> 02:28:09,447
That's not for you.
That's good shit. Let me try this.

2553
02:28:09,514 --> 02:28:10,782
That's good shit, too.

2554
02:28:10,849 --> 02:28:14,219
Uh, this is for Daddy. This is for you.

2555
02:28:14,285 --> 02:28:17,188
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-Get a good latch.

2556
02:28:17,255 --> 02:28:18,256
What?

2557
02:28:18,323 --> 02:28:20,892
My titties ain't sucking themselves,
now you get down here

2558
02:28:20,959 --> 02:28:22,961
-and you suck on this tit.
-Hey, man-- [laughs]

2559
02:28:23,027 --> 02:28:25,630
Come on, get up,
get up, sit down, sit down.

2560
02:28:25,697 --> 02:28:27,532
Get the fuck off me,
what is your fucking issue?

2561
02:28:27,599 --> 02:28:29,968
Do you wanna see Kevin
latch onto this nipple?

2562
02:28:30,034 --> 02:28:32,504
Okay, all right,
okay, all right, that's it.

2563
02:28:32,570 --> 02:28:34,706
-They do. Sit down.
-That's it. Get the fuck out of here.

2564
02:28:34,773 --> 02:28:36,207
-What do you mean--
-Get the fuck out of here!

2565
02:28:36,274 --> 02:28:37,776
-They ain't sucking themselves.
-That's it. Fuck you, man.

2566
02:28:37,842 --> 02:28:39,010
-Get d-- [laughs]
-Fuck you!

2567
02:28:39,077 --> 02:28:40,512
-Get d--
-No, I'm not doing shit.

2568
02:28:40,578 --> 02:28:42,414
Oh, now you don't want
to do it because it's a live crowd?

2569
02:28:42,480 --> 02:28:45,216
-I don't want to do it because I'm--
-Oh, now you don't want to do it.

2570
02:28:45,283 --> 02:28:48,286
-I've never sucked your fucking titties.
-[Dwayne] You have. What do you mean?

2571
02:28:48,353 --> 02:28:49,354
Fuck you, DJ.

2572
02:28:49,421 --> 02:28:50,889
[Dwayne] Oh, now you've never
cradled my balls either?

2573
02:28:50,955 --> 02:28:53,024
You know what? Okay. All right. That's it.

2574
02:28:53,091 --> 02:28:54,626
-All right. That's it. That's it.
-Okay, fine, all right.

2575
02:28:54,692 --> 02:28:56,561
-You're done. You're fucking done.
-Fuck this.

2576
02:28:56,628 --> 02:28:57,662
-Wrap it up.
-Sit down.

2577
02:28:57,729 --> 02:28:58,997
-[Kevin] Wrap it up.
-[Dwayne] Sit the fuck down.

2578
02:28:59,063 --> 02:29:00,064
Well, fuck you. Wrap it up.

2579
02:29:00,131 --> 02:29:01,366
Now you don't want to suck it.

2580
02:29:01,433 --> 02:29:02,801
-Okay, fine.
-Fucking… bald--

2581
02:29:02,867 --> 02:29:04,702
-That's all right.
-Fucking piece of shit, wrap it up.

2582
02:29:04,769 --> 02:29:05,970
[Dwayne] That's all right,
that's all right.

2583
02:29:06,037 --> 02:29:07,105
Jesus Christ.

2584
02:29:07,172 --> 02:29:09,007
{\an8}Eniko, you know what's coming tonight.

2585
02:29:09,073 --> 02:29:11,176
{\an8}-Okay, that's it.
-[Kevin] Okay, all right.

2586
02:29:12,377 --> 02:29:16,080
{\an8}Just a little this, this,
this, this, this, this all night.

2587
02:29:16,147 --> 02:29:17,348
{\an8}Listen, all right.

2588
02:29:17,415 --> 02:29:20,151
{\an8}[audience laughing]

2589
02:29:20,218 --> 02:29:21,352
{\an8}Jesus.

2590
02:29:23,788 --> 02:29:24,989
{\an8}You know…

2591
02:29:27,292 --> 02:29:29,761
This is why my jaws always hurt
from hanging out with you--

2592
02:29:29,828 --> 02:29:32,964
-What the fuck does that mean?
-No, no, no. No, no. I meant--

2593
02:29:34,199 --> 02:29:37,535
-What the fuck are you saying, man?
-You know what I meant.

2594
02:29:37,602 --> 02:29:40,972
I meant 'cause I laugh so fucking hard
with this guy.

2595
02:29:41,039 --> 02:29:44,609
-That's what I meant. All right?
-[Kevin] Okay, well say that first.

2596
02:29:44,676 --> 02:29:47,312
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

2597
02:29:47,378 --> 02:29:49,013
Jesus.

2598
02:29:49,080 --> 02:29:52,884
{\an8}All right, the time has finally arrived.

2599
02:29:54,018 --> 02:29:56,721
{\an8}Just one more thing for him to suck at.

2600
02:29:56,788 --> 02:30:02,193
{\an8}Clearly won't be my areola tonight,
but ladies and gentlemen,

2601
02:30:02,260 --> 02:30:06,998
{\an8}it is my honor
to introduce my friend,

2602
02:30:07,065 --> 02:30:11,169
{\an8}my brother, the one we are
all here to celebrate here tonight

2603
02:30:11,236 --> 02:30:14,472
{\an8}and everywhere around the world
watching live on Netflix.

2604
02:30:15,807 --> 02:30:20,078
{\an8}I love you, I'm fucking proud of you,
and I will always have your back.

2605
02:30:20,144 --> 02:30:23,047
{\an8}Ladies and gentlemen,
the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

2606
02:30:23,114 --> 02:30:28,553
{\an8}-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[upbeat music playing]

2607
02:30:28,620 --> 02:30:31,089
<i>♪ Regardless, but this ain't no Kevin</i>
<i>I'm heartless ♪</i>

2608
02:30:31,155 --> 02:30:32,724
<i>♪ Bitch, I'm the biggest, the largest ♪</i>

2609
02:30:32,824 --> 02:30:35,193
<i>♪ Been stepping on cheese</i>
<i>Since my mama lived in an apartment ♪</i>

2610
02:30:35,326 --> 02:30:36,194
Wow.

2611
02:30:36,261 --> 02:30:37,829
<i>♪ But this ain't no Kevin, I'm heartless ♪</i>

2612
02:30:38,162 --> 02:30:39,197
[Kevin] Um…

2613
02:30:39,264 --> 02:30:41,266
-[music concludes]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

2614
02:30:41,332 --> 02:30:44,302
You know, the-- the rebuttal--
the rebuttal that I have in store,

2615
02:30:44,369 --> 02:30:47,739
{\an8}I don't think is, uh… is podium friendly.

2616
02:30:47,805 --> 02:30:49,507
{\an8}So y'all can get the podium the fuck
out the way.

2617
02:30:49,574 --> 02:30:54,312
{\an8}Let's-- Let's lower
the fucking podium. Um…

2618
02:30:54,379 --> 02:30:56,414
{\an8}We heard a lot of shit tonight.

2619
02:30:56,481 --> 02:30:59,183
We heard a lot of shit tonight
and like I told everybody on this day is,

2620
02:30:59,250 --> 02:31:01,719
I said, "I want you
to go as hard as you want

2621
02:31:01,786 --> 02:31:03,421
because I get the mic last."

2622
02:31:03,488 --> 02:31:05,256
And unlike other roasts,

2623
02:31:05,323 --> 02:31:08,626
what they've never had is
a polished fucking comedian

2624
02:31:08,693 --> 02:31:10,662
as such go last.

2625
02:31:10,728 --> 02:31:12,964
So what I wanna do,

2626
02:31:13,031 --> 02:31:14,966
I wanna make you guys understand, like,

2627
02:31:15,033 --> 02:31:17,535
you basically have told me
you want a real nigga tonight.

2628
02:31:17,602 --> 02:31:19,070
You want a real nigga here.

2629
02:31:20,672 --> 02:31:21,873
So you're gonna get a real nigga.

2630
02:31:21,940 --> 02:31:27,345
A real nigga is what you want,
then a real nigga is what you will get.

2631
02:31:27,412 --> 02:31:28,580
Okay?

2632
02:31:28,646 --> 02:31:30,448
You want a real nigga response?

2633
02:31:30,515 --> 02:31:32,517
Then I'm gonna
give you a real nigga response.

2634
02:31:32,584 --> 02:31:36,020
At this point, I wanna take the moment
just to talk to my sponsors,

2635
02:31:36,087 --> 02:31:38,356
my business partners,
my brand partnerships,

2636
02:31:38,423 --> 02:31:40,224
and I'm gonna tell you,
for the next 15 minutes,

2637
02:31:40,291 --> 02:31:42,460
put a pause on our relationships,

2638
02:31:42,527 --> 02:31:46,230
because what I'm about
to do is not business friendly.

2639
02:31:46,297 --> 02:31:47,732
I'm going to be raw.

2640
02:31:47,799 --> 02:31:50,702
And when I say raw, I really mean raw.

2641
02:31:50,768 --> 02:31:54,606
I'm talking raw
like the inside of Lizzo's thighs.

2642
02:31:54,672 --> 02:31:56,374
-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

2643
02:31:56,441 --> 02:31:59,310
There's no skin there.
There's no skin at all.

2644
02:31:59,377 --> 02:32:02,513
Raw, like the dick
that Chelsea Handler takes.

2645
02:32:02,580 --> 02:32:04,248
We're gonna go raw tonight.

2646
02:32:04,315 --> 02:32:08,019
Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole
when Joe Rogan finishes.

2647
02:32:08,086 --> 02:32:09,053
We're gonna go raw.

2648
02:32:10,088 --> 02:32:12,724
In order to be raw, I need my bitch.

2649
02:32:12,790 --> 02:32:14,459
Give me my bitch, please.

2650
02:32:14,525 --> 02:32:16,494
-[gun cocking]
-Yeah.

2651
02:32:16,561 --> 02:32:18,796
Do me a favor, cock it again.
Let me make sure it's loaded.

2652
02:32:18,863 --> 02:32:20,498
-[gun cocking]
-One more time.

2653
02:32:20,565 --> 02:32:21,766
-[gun cocking]
-Yeah, because I'm about

2654
02:32:21,833 --> 02:32:24,102
to take shots, okay?

2655
02:32:24,168 --> 02:32:25,770
Boy, oh boy.

2656
02:32:25,837 --> 02:32:28,773
We're going to start with Dwayne,
my friend the Rock.

2657
02:32:28,840 --> 02:32:30,008
Fuck, man.

2658
02:32:30,074 --> 02:32:32,043
He shocked me. He fucking shocked me.

2659
02:32:32,110 --> 02:32:34,245
I didn't know he was going to be here,
he came.

2660
02:32:34,312 --> 02:32:36,414
And it's crazy because that's my friend.
Like, we're really close.

2661
02:32:36,481 --> 02:32:38,850
And, you know, a lot
of people have said bad things

2662
02:32:38,916 --> 02:32:40,151
about Dwayne,
and I've taken up for them.

2663
02:32:40,218 --> 02:32:43,554
A lot of people have said
that Dwayne is on Ozempic.

2664
02:32:43,621 --> 02:32:46,257
They thought he was on fucking Ozempic.

2665
02:32:46,324 --> 02:32:49,060
I'm the one that said he's not on Ozempic.

2666
02:32:49,127 --> 02:32:50,762
That's not Ozempic.

2667
02:32:50,828 --> 02:32:54,132
I'm here to tell you guys tonight
that what you're looking at…

2668
02:32:54,198 --> 02:32:56,267
is full-blown AIDS, okay?

2669
02:32:57,602 --> 02:33:00,071
That's AIDS.
Hit him in the head one time.

2670
02:33:00,138 --> 02:33:01,472
-[gunshot]
-Yeah,

2671
02:33:01,539 --> 02:33:03,141
we're gonna shoot these bitches tonight.

2672
02:33:03,207 --> 02:33:04,876
[audience laughing]

2673
02:33:04,942 --> 02:33:07,545
I'm not talking about the good stuff,
not the Magic Johnson AIDS.

2674
02:33:07,612 --> 02:33:12,016
What you're looking at is Tom Hanks
in the movie <i>Philadelphia </i>AIDS.

2675
02:33:12,083 --> 02:33:16,087
The-- The-- Yeah, the AIDS-- [laughs]

2676
02:33:16,154 --> 02:33:18,089
The AIDS that
takes your body weight like that,

2677
02:33:18,156 --> 02:33:20,725
that gives you a drastic change
over-fucking-night.

2678
02:33:20,792 --> 02:33:22,493
Fuck him. Do me a favor.

2679
02:33:22,560 --> 02:33:24,562
-Hit him in the head one more time.
-[gunshot]

2680
02:33:24,629 --> 02:33:26,230
Yeah!

2681
02:33:26,297 --> 02:33:28,900
I'm gonna fucking shoot the fuck
out of you all night, DJ.

2682
02:33:28,966 --> 02:33:30,868
-[inaudible]
-No, it's not enough.

2683
02:33:30,935 --> 02:33:34,305
No, it's not, because you're starting
to look weird.

2684
02:33:34,372 --> 02:33:35,873
It's starting to look bad.
You look like a--

2685
02:33:35,940 --> 02:33:38,009
You look like a ninja turtle
with no shell.

2686
02:33:38,076 --> 02:33:40,812
You look like a fucking… [laughs]

2687
02:33:40,878 --> 02:33:43,114
Yeah! Shoot him again!

2688
02:33:43,181 --> 02:33:45,516
-[gunshot]
-Yeah!

2689
02:33:45,583 --> 02:33:46,584
Fuck him!

2690
02:33:49,120 --> 02:33:51,022
You know, I've been talking to Sony.

2691
02:33:51,089 --> 02:33:53,491
I told Sony
that we better shoot <i>Jumanji 4 </i>now

2692
02:33:53,558 --> 02:33:57,495
because I don't know if we have
much time left with DJ. [laughs]

2693
02:33:57,562 --> 02:33:58,996
He could die soon.

2694
02:33:59,063 --> 02:34:01,132
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

2695
02:34:01,199 --> 02:34:03,735
I'm not gonna lie, I miss the old Rock.

2696
02:34:03,801 --> 02:34:04,802
Close friends we are, man.

2697
02:34:04,869 --> 02:34:07,205
We used to teach
each other a lot of things.

2698
02:34:07,271 --> 02:34:09,640
Like, honestly, DJ told me how
to do movie stunts.

2699
02:34:09,707 --> 02:34:13,244
I know how to do movie stunts
because of him, right?

2700
02:34:13,311 --> 02:34:14,779
I told him things in return.

2701
02:34:14,846 --> 02:34:17,081
I taught him how to sound out words.

2702
02:34:17,148 --> 02:34:18,883
-"Sound it out."
-[audience laughing]

2703
02:34:18,950 --> 02:34:20,384
"Sound it out."

2704
02:34:20,451 --> 02:34:22,720
I taught him how
to point at images of fruit

2705
02:34:22,787 --> 02:34:24,922
so we could know what he wanted
to eat on set.

2706
02:34:24,989 --> 02:34:27,225
[audience laughing]

2707
02:34:27,291 --> 02:34:31,729
"Papaya, got it. Pa-pa-ya, yes."

2708
02:34:31,796 --> 02:34:33,765
That's a caveman joke.

2709
02:34:33,831 --> 02:34:36,834
Shane, I bet you thought it was
a monkey joke, you racist fuck.

2710
02:34:36,901 --> 02:34:37,902
I know you did.

2711
02:34:41,172 --> 02:34:42,406
You know, listen to this, man.

2712
02:34:42,473 --> 02:34:44,208
You know, most people
don't know the things

2713
02:34:44,275 --> 02:34:46,344
that I know about DJ, man.
The Rock is half Black.

2714
02:34:46,410 --> 02:34:47,745
I know it was mentioned tonight.

2715
02:34:47,812 --> 02:34:49,647
Uh, he is. He's half Black.

2716
02:34:49,714 --> 02:34:51,649
And a lot
of people don't really know that.

2717
02:34:51,716 --> 02:34:53,785
Nobody else knows that.

2718
02:34:53,851 --> 02:34:55,920
You know who else doesn't know that?

2719
02:34:55,987 --> 02:34:57,989
Him. He doesn't fucking know it.

2720
02:34:59,390 --> 02:35:01,659
He's half Black and half Samoan.

2721
02:35:02,660 --> 02:35:04,262
You know what I wish?

2722
02:35:04,328 --> 02:35:07,865
I wish he would do some more Black shit.

2723
02:35:07,932 --> 02:35:08,933
That's what I do.

2724
02:35:09,000 --> 02:35:10,902
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

2725
02:35:10,968 --> 02:35:13,104
I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

2726
02:35:13,171 --> 02:35:15,706
All this barefoot hula hoopin' shit.

2727
02:35:17,642 --> 02:35:21,779
All this hukule,
hukule, hukule, hukule shit.

2728
02:35:21,846 --> 02:35:26,083
Don't nobody wanna see your big ass
with no fuckin' grass dress on,

2729
02:35:26,150 --> 02:35:28,219
hukulein' all fuckin' day.

2730
02:35:28,286 --> 02:35:31,189
Put on some Air Force Ones,
nigga, I'm sick of seein' it.

2731
02:35:33,424 --> 02:35:36,127
I'ma-- I'ma take you down one by one.

2732
02:35:37,328 --> 02:35:38,462
Shane Gillis.

2733
02:35:38,529 --> 02:35:39,997
Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host.

2734
02:35:40,064 --> 02:35:41,432
Show him some love.

2735
02:35:41,499 --> 02:35:42,600
[audience applauding]

2736
02:35:42,667 --> 02:35:45,570
[Kevin] Seriously, what a good set.

2737
02:35:45,636 --> 02:35:47,538
What a good set.

2738
02:35:47,605 --> 02:35:50,041
I'll be honest with you guys,
Shane Gillis was one Bud Light away

2739
02:35:50,107 --> 02:35:52,176
from calling me
a "nigger" on this stage tonight.

2740
02:35:52,243 --> 02:35:55,947
-[audience laughing]
-[Kevin laughing]

2741
02:35:57,215 --> 02:35:59,050
One Bud Light.

2742
02:35:59,116 --> 02:36:00,818
"Nigger!" He wanted to say it.

2743
02:36:02,753 --> 02:36:04,822
Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

2744
02:36:06,791 --> 02:36:08,092
He is.

2745
02:36:08,159 --> 02:36:09,527
My Mount Rushmore of racism,

2746
02:36:09,594 --> 02:36:12,363
like when it comes to hating
Black people, Shane Gillis,

2747
02:36:13,431 --> 02:36:14,432
Kid Rock,

2748
02:36:15,766 --> 02:36:16,901
Hulk Hogan,

2749
02:36:18,536 --> 02:36:20,972
Stephen A. Smith.
Those are my four people…

2750
02:36:21,038 --> 02:36:23,341
[audience laughing]

2751
02:36:23,407 --> 02:36:25,309
…when it comes to hating Black people.

2752
02:36:28,079 --> 02:36:30,948
Shane Gillis is what happens
when you let those people

2753
02:36:31,015 --> 02:36:32,583
on <i>Love on the Spectrum</i> fuck.

2754
02:36:32,650 --> 02:36:33,651
That's what happens.

2755
02:36:33,718 --> 02:36:35,586
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

2756
02:36:35,653 --> 02:36:36,921
[Kevin] They make one of those.

2757
02:36:38,589 --> 02:36:39,657
Don't let them people fuck.

2758
02:36:39,724 --> 02:36:42,426
You gonna get
another Shane Gillis. [laughs]

2759
02:36:44,095 --> 02:36:47,398
Shane is what happens when
you give a Down syndrome baby

2760
02:36:47,465 --> 02:36:50,534
human growth hormone.
That's what happens.

2761
02:36:50,601 --> 02:36:52,136
Don't rush the process.

2762
02:36:53,704 --> 02:36:54,705
Shane is autistic.

2763
02:36:56,974 --> 02:36:59,710
Shane is autistic,
and Chelsea is a whore.

2764
02:36:59,777 --> 02:37:02,313
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

2765
02:37:02,380 --> 02:37:04,982
They both love trains,
but for different reasons.

2766
02:37:05,049 --> 02:37:06,584
[laughs]

2767
02:37:06,651 --> 02:37:09,553
-Hit him! Hit him! Yeah!
-[gunshots]

2768
02:37:11,422 --> 02:37:12,590
Fuck!

2769
02:37:13,958 --> 02:37:16,894
This is a good time for me to talk
to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

2770
02:37:16,961 --> 02:37:19,263
Cash back with every purchase
you get with us.

2771
02:37:19,330 --> 02:37:21,766
-[audience laughing]
-Uh…

2772
02:37:24,168 --> 02:37:25,803
Everybody's been
getting on my girl Chelsea

2773
02:37:25,870 --> 02:37:27,204
all night for being a whore.

2774
02:37:27,271 --> 02:37:29,407
Everybody, stop.

2775
02:37:29,473 --> 02:37:31,275
Chelsea isn't just a whore.

2776
02:37:32,410 --> 02:37:34,845
She's also old. Chelsea's old.

2777
02:37:34,912 --> 02:37:36,681
-[audience laughing]
-[Kevin] You know what you need?

2778
02:37:36,747 --> 02:37:40,785
You need lube to slide
into Chelsea's DMs. [chuckles]

2779
02:37:41,852 --> 02:37:43,688
You're right, Rock, you're right.

2780
02:37:43,754 --> 02:37:45,456
Her pussy-- Her pussy was recognized.

2781
02:37:45,523 --> 02:37:47,124
She did get that BET award.

2782
02:37:47,191 --> 02:37:49,060
Um, only-- You only get that award though,

2783
02:37:49,126 --> 02:37:52,997
you only get that award
if you fuck 50 Cent, and that's a fact.

2784
02:37:53,064 --> 02:37:55,299
I'm sorry, I read the prompter wrong.

2785
02:37:55,366 --> 02:37:57,468
Nope, is if you fuck 50 niggas.

2786
02:37:57,535 --> 02:38:00,071
You get that award
if you fuck 50 niggas. Sorry, Chelsea.

2787
02:38:00,137 --> 02:38:02,406
That's my bad.

2788
02:38:02,473 --> 02:38:03,641
Draymond Green's here.

2789
02:38:03,708 --> 02:38:06,444
-Hey, Draymond.
-[audience jeering]

2790
02:38:06,510 --> 02:38:08,145
Yeah, yeah.

2791
02:38:08,212 --> 02:38:10,581
Well, Draymond's only here
because he's not in the playoffs.

2792
02:38:10,648 --> 02:38:12,049
That's the only reason why he's here.

2793
02:38:12,116 --> 02:38:13,751
-Hit him!
-[gunshot]

2794
02:38:13,818 --> 02:38:15,853
Yeah, head shot.
Fuck you, Draymond.

2795
02:38:19,423 --> 02:38:22,226
Everybody attacked
my fucking sisters tonight.

2796
02:38:22,293 --> 02:38:24,328
A lot of Black women on this stage.

2797
02:38:24,395 --> 02:38:27,431
Sheryl, Lizzo, Regina.

2798
02:38:27,498 --> 02:38:29,433
Teyana came out here.

2799
02:38:29,500 --> 02:38:32,770
What I'm not gonna do is be a Black man
and talk about my fucking sisters

2800
02:38:32,837 --> 02:38:34,905
on this stage live on Netflix

2801
02:38:34,972 --> 02:38:37,108
in front of millions
of fucking people, not me.

2802
02:38:37,174 --> 02:38:38,309
I'm not gonna give you that.

2803
02:38:38,376 --> 02:38:40,644
I'm not gonna give these crackers
that luxury.

2804
02:38:42,680 --> 02:38:44,915
Y'all don't know what these women
have been through.

2805
02:38:44,982 --> 02:38:47,018
None of these women have a fucking man.

2806
02:38:47,084 --> 02:38:48,586
None of them. None of them.

2807
02:38:48,652 --> 02:38:50,354
-[audience laughing]
-None of them.

2808
02:38:51,722 --> 02:38:53,924
They're home alone at night

2809
02:38:53,991 --> 02:38:55,926
in their giant mansions,

2810
02:38:55,993 --> 02:38:59,330
eating fucking microwavable Hot Pockets,
watching TV.

2811
02:39:00,564 --> 02:39:04,101
I'm not gonna stand here
in front of all these fucking white people

2812
02:39:04,168 --> 02:39:08,072
and disrespect
these lonely bitches. [laughs]

2813
02:39:08,139 --> 02:39:09,840
[audience laughing]

2814
02:39:11,509 --> 02:39:15,012
I wanna thank my sisters for coming.
I love you, Jean.

2815
02:39:15,079 --> 02:39:18,449
I love you. I love you, Lizzo.
I love you, Sheryl.

2816
02:39:18,516 --> 02:39:20,951
We got a spades game
every Tuesday. [laughs]

2817
02:39:24,288 --> 02:39:26,757
Boy, oh boy, y'all got Katt Williams
to come out here, huh?

2818
02:39:26,824 --> 02:39:28,592
-[audience cheering]
-Katt Williams.

2819
02:39:30,861 --> 02:39:33,330
Katt Williams came out here.

2820
02:39:33,397 --> 02:39:35,633
You know, this is the time to,
like, really make everybody realize.

2821
02:39:35,699 --> 02:39:38,202
Everybody has said tonight
that I can't act.

2822
02:39:38,269 --> 02:39:40,304
"Kevin cannot act."

2823
02:39:40,371 --> 02:39:42,106
What I want you to do is go back

2824
02:39:42,173 --> 02:39:44,575
and look at that moment where I shook
Katt's hand and I looked him in the eye

2825
02:39:44,642 --> 02:39:46,444
and I said,
"I just want us to be friends."

2826
02:39:46,510 --> 02:39:48,079
[audience laughing]

2827
02:39:48,145 --> 02:39:52,016
Some of the best fucking acting
that I've ever did in my career.

2828
02:39:52,083 --> 02:39:54,285
I did not mean one word of what I said.

2829
02:39:54,351 --> 02:39:55,920
Fuck Katt Williams.

2830
02:39:55,986 --> 02:39:58,389
Fuck Katt Williams.

2831
02:39:58,456 --> 02:40:01,459
Katt Williams is a motherfucking liar.
He's a liar!

2832
02:40:02,593 --> 02:40:06,297
Y'all been believing
that little nigga's shit for years.

2833
02:40:06,363 --> 02:40:09,967
Katt has lied on me about so much shit.
It's ridiculous, man.

2834
02:40:10,034 --> 02:40:12,203
Y'all only believe it
because he uses words

2835
02:40:12,269 --> 02:40:14,205
that you haven't heard in a long time.

2836
02:40:15,473 --> 02:40:19,710
Words like "restaurant" or "amenities,"
shit like that.

2837
02:40:20,878 --> 02:40:24,248
Katt said that I went to Diddy parties.
"Kev-- Kev been to Diddy parties."

2838
02:40:24,315 --> 02:40:28,152
"Kev always goes to Diddy parties."
I ain't been to no fucking Diddy parties.

2839
02:40:28,219 --> 02:40:29,620
I went to one party,
and this is the truth,

2840
02:40:29,687 --> 02:40:31,188
-I went to one fucking party.
-[audience laughing]

2841
02:40:31,255 --> 02:40:33,124
I went to one fucking party, okay?

2842
02:40:33,190 --> 02:40:34,925
And the only reason why
that little nigga know I was there

2843
02:40:34,992 --> 02:40:38,796
is 'cause he was there.
Katt was at the same fucking party.

2844
02:40:38,863 --> 02:40:40,331
I saw him, he saw me.

2845
02:40:40,397 --> 02:40:43,801
He said… [shushes]
Fuck you, nigga, tell the truth.

2846
02:40:43,868 --> 02:40:45,803
Tell the fucking truth, nigga.

2847
02:40:45,870 --> 02:40:47,571
We was at the same fucking party.

2848
02:40:49,974 --> 02:40:52,610
I ain't no snitch, I ain't no snitch,
but a lot of people was there.

2849
02:40:52,676 --> 02:40:55,179
Shaq was there, Usher was there.

2850
02:40:55,246 --> 02:40:58,182
Fucking Shannon Sharpe was there,
he was DJing.

2851
02:40:58,249 --> 02:40:59,250
The Roots were there.

2852
02:40:59,316 --> 02:41:01,552
Y'all didn't do nothing,
but I saw y'all too.

2853
02:41:04,722 --> 02:41:06,991
He's a fucking liar!

2854
02:41:07,057 --> 02:41:08,792
Stop believing this nigga lies!

2855
02:41:09,927 --> 02:41:12,963
Katt told y'all he read
3,000 books a year.

2856
02:41:13,030 --> 02:41:17,568
He said that. He said,
"I read 3,000 books a year."

2857
02:41:17,635 --> 02:41:18,569
All right, well, let's unpack it.

2858
02:41:18,636 --> 02:41:21,539
Let's talk about the books
that you didn't fucking read.

2859
02:41:21,605 --> 02:41:24,108
That's what I want to talk about.
What are the books that you didn't read?

2860
02:41:24,175 --> 02:41:25,042
I'll tell you what it was.

2861
02:41:25,109 --> 02:41:27,545
He obviously didn't read
his probation paperwork.

2862
02:41:27,611 --> 02:41:30,981
I'll tell you that.
That nigga didn't read that.

2863
02:41:31,048 --> 02:41:34,084
He didn't read, he didn't… [laughs]

2864
02:41:34,151 --> 02:41:35,986
He didn't read--
He didn't read the room

2865
02:41:36,053 --> 02:41:37,988
when that little 12-year-old
choked him the fuck out.

2866
02:41:38,055 --> 02:41:40,724
-I'll tell you that.
-[audience laughing]

2867
02:41:42,293 --> 02:41:44,094
I don't give a fuck how bad
things get in my life.

2868
02:41:44,161 --> 02:41:46,564
I ain't never been choked out
by no fucking kid.

2869
02:41:48,699 --> 02:41:51,435
You know it's bad when you start
asking people where his parents at.

2870
02:41:51,502 --> 02:41:52,970
"Whose kid is this?"

2871
02:41:54,505 --> 02:41:56,941
I don't know nigga, you lost.
You fucking lost.

2872
02:41:58,375 --> 02:42:00,044
"Why was he there?" [laughs]

2873
02:42:02,813 --> 02:42:05,082
Katt Williams came out here
in a goddamn cape.

2874
02:42:07,117 --> 02:42:10,054
I've never seen Katt in a regular suit,
not one time.

2875
02:42:10,120 --> 02:42:11,855
I've never seen it.

2876
02:42:11,922 --> 02:42:13,557
Only time I've seen him
in a suit was a lawsuit.

2877
02:42:13,624 --> 02:42:16,293
That's the only time I've seen Katt
in a fucking suit.

2878
02:42:16,360 --> 02:42:19,129
A double-breasted lawsuit.
That nigga got a bunch of cases.

2879
02:42:19,196 --> 02:42:23,400
Katt said tonight that I took
all his movies that he turned down.

2880
02:42:23,467 --> 02:42:25,469
He said that. He fucking said that.

2881
02:42:25,536 --> 02:42:29,139
You sat there and laughed at it.
"Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!"

2882
02:42:29,206 --> 02:42:31,375
This must be the fucking truth.
All right, well, let's unpack it.

2883
02:42:31,442 --> 02:42:32,710
Let's unpack it.

2884
02:42:33,744 --> 02:42:36,280
Katt said, I turned down all his roles.
Okay, well, let's talk about it, Katt.

2885
02:42:36,347 --> 02:42:38,315
So you're telling me-- you're telling me
that you turned down

2886
02:42:38,382 --> 02:42:41,619
<i>Jumanji 1, 2, 3,</i>
<i>Ride Along 1, 2, Central Intelligence,</i>

2887
02:42:41,685 --> 02:42:43,787
<i>Think Like a Man 1, 2,</i>
<i>The Upside, About Last Night,</i>

2888
02:42:43,854 --> 02:42:46,724
<i>40-Year-Old Virgin, High School,</i>
<i>Night School, Me Time,</i>

2889
02:42:46,790 --> 02:42:48,359
<i>Borderlands, Man from Toronto,</i>

2890
02:42:48,425 --> 02:42:50,294
-all…
-[audience cheering]

2891
02:42:50,361 --> 02:42:52,363
…so you could do a cameo in <i>Norbit?</i>

2892
02:42:52,429 --> 02:42:54,698
Is that what the fuck
you're telling me, Katt?

2893
02:42:56,600 --> 02:42:59,036
Katt, you can't be in my fucking movies.

2894
02:42:59,103 --> 02:43:01,605
You think they want
a fucking pimp in <i>Jumanji?</i>

2895
02:43:01,672 --> 02:43:04,074
-Is that what the fuck you think we need?
-[audience laughing]

2896
02:43:04,141 --> 02:43:08,412
Ain't no hoes in <i>Jumanji.</i>
What the fuck is Katt doing in <i>Jumanji?</i>

2897
02:43:08,479 --> 02:43:10,047
[imitating Katt]
Hey bitch, get out the tree.

2898
02:43:10,114 --> 02:43:13,284
[in normal voice] What the fuck?
We don't need that.

2899
02:43:13,350 --> 02:43:15,753
The fuck are you doing?

2900
02:43:15,819 --> 02:43:17,488
It's the big leagues up here.

2901
02:43:20,524 --> 02:43:22,426
I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

2902
02:43:22,493 --> 02:43:24,928
I gotta stop on Katt because it's not good
for all these white people

2903
02:43:24,995 --> 02:43:27,197
to see two Black people fighting.

2904
02:43:27,264 --> 02:43:28,832
Two little niggas fighting.

2905
02:43:28,899 --> 02:43:31,302
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

2906
02:43:31,368 --> 02:43:32,903
We're too small
to have the beef that we had.

2907
02:43:32,970 --> 02:43:34,705
So, Katt, it's over.

2908
02:43:34,772 --> 02:43:36,307
The beef is over between me and Katt.

2909
02:43:36,373 --> 02:43:38,175
And on a serious note, I love the fact

2910
02:43:38,242 --> 02:43:40,077
that that man showed up tonight
and he showed out.

2911
02:43:40,144 --> 02:43:41,712
Katt showed the fuck out.

2912
02:43:41,779 --> 02:43:45,449
[audience cheering, applauding]

2913
02:43:45,516 --> 02:43:47,618
I love that. I love that he shined, man.

2914
02:43:47,685 --> 02:43:49,586
I love that we were able
to look each other in the eyes,

2915
02:43:49,653 --> 02:43:51,155
shake each other's hands.

2916
02:43:51,221 --> 02:43:52,723
And I meant what I said. I did.

2917
02:43:52,790 --> 02:43:55,659
I really did.
I meant what the fuck I said, man.

2918
02:43:55,726 --> 02:43:56,593
That beef is over.

2919
02:43:56,660 --> 02:43:59,897
Me and Kat are friends
from today moving forward, okay?

2920
02:43:59,963 --> 02:44:01,498
We're friends from today moving forward.

2921
02:44:01,565 --> 02:44:03,801
[audience applauding]

2922
02:44:03,867 --> 02:44:05,569
I just want to do a quick check. Uh…

2923
02:44:05,636 --> 02:44:07,938
Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

2924
02:44:08,005 --> 02:44:10,207
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

2925
02:44:10,274 --> 02:44:12,343
[Kevin] Are your feet swelled up?
You okay?

2926
02:44:12,409 --> 02:44:14,545
-They are, but it's okay.
-[Kevin] You want a Snickers? All right.

2927
02:44:14,611 --> 02:44:16,046
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

2928
02:44:16,113 --> 02:44:19,183
Uh, Pete Davidson is here,
ladies and gentlemen.

2929
02:44:19,249 --> 02:44:20,117
Pete Davidson is here.

2930
02:44:20,184 --> 02:44:23,487
[audience cheering, applauding]

2931
02:44:23,554 --> 02:44:25,456
Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you
is bad because I like you.

2932
02:44:25,522 --> 02:44:27,291
Me and you actually get along,
so it's tough to roast you.

2933
02:44:27,358 --> 02:44:29,226
I don't really have a roast.
I just have questions.

2934
02:44:29,293 --> 02:44:31,128
[audience chuckling]

2935
02:44:31,195 --> 02:44:32,129
It's not even a question.

2936
02:44:32,196 --> 02:44:34,732
It's like, "Oh, I'm happy
to see Pete outside."

2937
02:44:34,798 --> 02:44:37,401
You never see Pete during the daytime.
Pete is weird.

2938
02:44:38,736 --> 02:44:41,772
Scared of the sunlight.
[screeches, hisses]

2939
02:44:41,839 --> 02:44:43,974
[chuckles]

2940
02:44:45,642 --> 02:44:48,212
I feel like Pete wants to be Black,
but he don't want to say it.

2941
02:44:48,278 --> 02:44:50,214
[audience chuckling]

2942
02:44:50,280 --> 02:44:52,549
He does. He's done a lot of Black shit.

2943
02:44:52,616 --> 02:44:54,351
Pete, let's see, let's break it down.

2944
02:44:54,418 --> 02:44:56,954
He's got a child out of wedlock. Uh…

2945
02:44:57,020 --> 02:44:58,222
He dated Kim Kardashian.

2946
02:44:58,288 --> 02:45:00,724
He grew up without knowing his father.

2947
02:45:01,792 --> 02:45:03,660
I mean, Pete,
if you wanna be Black so bad,

2948
02:45:03,727 --> 02:45:07,064
just fuck Chelsea Handler
and don't call her in the morning.

2949
02:45:07,131 --> 02:45:08,499
[laughs]

2950
02:45:08,565 --> 02:45:11,101
You can-- You can get away with it, Pete.

2951
02:45:13,337 --> 02:45:16,740
Jesus, Pete fucks.
I mean, Pete fucks. [chuckles]

2952
02:45:17,875 --> 02:45:19,610
-You fuck, Pete.
-[inaudible]

2953
02:45:19,676 --> 02:45:22,679
[Kevin] Fuck you.
That's it. That's enough.

2954
02:45:22,746 --> 02:45:24,281
Edit that out, what Pete just said.

2955
02:45:24,348 --> 02:45:25,649
[audience laughs]

2956
02:45:25,716 --> 02:45:27,951
I want to go to Jeff Ross.

2957
02:45:28,018 --> 02:45:30,654
Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually…

2958
02:45:30,721 --> 02:45:33,056
-[inaudible]
-He went to the bathroom. Shocker. Uh…

2959
02:45:33,123 --> 02:45:35,058
[audience laughing]

2960
02:45:35,125 --> 02:45:37,494
Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem,

2961
02:45:37,561 --> 02:45:40,731
that couldn't sit through the show.

2962
02:45:40,798 --> 02:45:43,167
Jeff Ross actually, uh, he beat cancer.

2963
02:45:44,234 --> 02:45:45,903
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah.

2964
02:45:45,969 --> 02:45:47,438
Yeah.

2965
02:45:47,504 --> 02:45:49,273
Um…

2966
02:45:49,339 --> 02:45:50,908
I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

2967
02:45:50,974 --> 02:45:52,242
[audience laughing]

2968
02:45:52,309 --> 02:45:54,244
I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer.

2969
02:45:54,311 --> 02:45:56,513
I think the cancer just left. I do.

2970
02:45:56,580 --> 02:45:58,916
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

2971
02:45:58,982 --> 02:46:02,019
I also-- I also think
Jeff looked better with cancer.

2972
02:46:02,085 --> 02:46:05,222
I don't think-- I think he looks worse
without the cancer.

2973
02:46:05,289 --> 02:46:07,291
This is the one time
where I would ask somebody,

2974
02:46:07,357 --> 02:46:08,859
can you get the cancer back?

2975
02:46:08,926 --> 02:46:12,029
Like, can we put it back, Jeff?

2976
02:46:13,597 --> 02:46:15,132
Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

2977
02:46:15,199 --> 02:46:16,400
Tony, what a set tonight.

2978
02:46:16,467 --> 02:46:18,001
[audience cheering, applauding]

2979
02:46:18,068 --> 02:46:20,137
[Kevin] Tony, you fuckin' crushed tonight.

2980
02:46:20,204 --> 02:46:22,005
Everybody thinks Tony's gay, too.

2981
02:46:22,072 --> 02:46:26,176
Stop it. Stop the gay stuff with Tony.
Tony's not gay.

2982
02:46:26,243 --> 02:46:28,712
Tony is not gay!

2983
02:46:30,147 --> 02:46:32,983
-Tony just likes suckin' dick.
-[audience laughing]

2984
02:46:33,050 --> 02:46:34,751
[Kevin] It's a big difference.

2985
02:46:34,818 --> 02:46:36,920
I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

2986
02:46:36,987 --> 02:46:40,657
That's proof that Joe Rogan
likes a snaggletooth blowjob. Just…

2987
02:46:42,826 --> 02:46:44,528
Tony's really not gay, though, man.

2988
02:46:44,595 --> 02:46:47,898
Like, he just fuck--
Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

2989
02:46:47,965 --> 02:46:49,700
Out the corner of my eye,
it looked like the Kool-Aid man

2990
02:46:49,766 --> 02:46:51,034
just came out the set.

2991
02:46:51,101 --> 02:46:52,102
Jesus Christ.

2992
02:46:53,470 --> 02:46:56,206
-I mean, what the fuck was that?
-I love it.

2993
02:46:56,273 --> 02:46:59,243
The fact that you thought you were
sneaking just now, Jeff.

2994
02:47:00,277 --> 02:47:04,047
I've never heard leather pants
make more noise in my life.

2995
02:47:04,114 --> 02:47:06,250
[squelches]

2996
02:47:07,251 --> 02:47:08,252
Fuck.

2997
02:47:11,255 --> 02:47:12,956
I just don't know
where Jeff is getting the money

2998
02:47:13,023 --> 02:47:14,558
to fucking do the things he does.

2999
02:47:14,625 --> 02:47:16,727
Like, I really don't.
Jeff, zip the jacket up.

3000
02:47:16,793 --> 02:47:18,929
Your fucking nipples out is nasty.

3001
02:47:21,865 --> 02:47:22,966
Je-- [laughs]

3002
02:47:23,033 --> 02:47:26,303
Jeff looks like an insect
that you study in biology.

3003
02:47:26,370 --> 02:47:29,206
"So what did you-- So I got a what?"

3004
02:47:29,273 --> 02:47:30,674
"The heart is where?"

3005
02:47:32,042 --> 02:47:34,378
At this time, I just want to say,
I'm sorry, Walmart,

3006
02:47:34,444 --> 02:47:36,747
you're doing amazing things,
rolling back prices.

3007
02:47:36,813 --> 02:47:40,117
-Keep it going.
-[audience laughing]

3008
02:47:44,621 --> 02:47:49,359
You know, guys, in this night,
I wanna say some people have shined.

3009
02:47:49,426 --> 02:47:50,594
Honestly.

3010
02:47:50,661 --> 02:47:53,664
-Na’im, I'm so proud of you, brother.
-[gentle music playing]

3011
02:47:53,730 --> 02:47:56,333
You came up here, you did what
the fuck you was supposed to do.

3012
02:47:56,400 --> 02:48:00,237
And I just wanna say that I'm extremely…
I'm extremely richer

3013
02:48:00,304 --> 02:48:02,406
than everybody that you see
on this stage.

3014
02:48:03,407 --> 02:48:06,176
And my biggest fear is waking up one day

3015
02:48:06,243 --> 02:48:07,844
with any of these bitches' bank accounts.

3016
02:48:07,911 --> 02:48:10,247
I don't know how I would live.

3017
02:48:10,314 --> 02:48:13,717
I don't know how I would survive.
My kids, what would we do?

3018
02:48:13,784 --> 02:48:16,820
I mean, DJ, you got money,
but after you have to spend it

3019
02:48:16,887 --> 02:48:19,590
on the AIDS medicine, I just don't
know how much you'll have left.

3020
02:48:19,656 --> 02:48:21,058
[audience laughing]

3021
02:48:21,124 --> 02:48:22,759
You guys wanted
the real nigga up here tonight,

3022
02:48:22,826 --> 02:48:25,028
and that's exactly what you got.

3023
02:48:25,095 --> 02:48:29,700
So I'm gonna leave this stage
in true real nigga fashion.

3024
02:48:29,766 --> 02:48:31,468
That's by showing off.

3025
02:48:31,535 --> 02:48:33,437
I want to give a shout
out to all my partners,

3026
02:48:33,503 --> 02:48:34,805
all of my ecosystem,

3027
02:48:34,871 --> 02:48:37,207
the people that make
the world of Kevin Hart go around.

3028
02:48:37,274 --> 02:48:39,276
Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

3029
02:48:39,343 --> 02:48:40,711
Burn Boot Camp, I love you.

3030
02:48:40,777 --> 02:48:42,079
C4 Energy, I love you.

3031
02:48:42,145 --> 02:48:46,316
DraftKings, Fabletics,
Gran Coramino Tequila, Heartbeat,

3032
02:48:46,383 --> 02:48:51,121
JPMorgan Chase, Michelob,
NBC Universal, Qatar Airways,

3033
02:48:51,188 --> 02:48:55,959
SharkNinja, SiriusXM,
Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon,

3034
02:48:56,026 --> 02:48:59,863
Vita Hustle, and of course,
my partners here at Netflix.

3035
02:48:59,930 --> 02:49:02,799
These are words that you will never say
because you guys are losers.

3036
02:49:02,866 --> 02:49:04,334
[audience laughing]

3037
02:49:04,401 --> 02:49:07,170
See, guys, I'm just
a little kid from Philadelphia,

3038
02:49:07,237 --> 02:49:08,972
and I prayed for nights like this.

3039
02:49:09,039 --> 02:49:10,307
And what I want you guys to know is this.

3040
02:49:10,374 --> 02:49:13,276
If I don't celebrate myself,
then who else will?

3041
02:49:13,343 --> 02:49:15,912
At the end of the day,
I'm proud of myself.

3042
02:49:15,979 --> 02:49:18,115
And what you've been smelling all night
is me because I'm the shit.

3043
02:49:18,181 --> 02:49:21,084
And at the end of the day,
I'm him, and he is me,

3044
02:49:21,151 --> 02:49:22,719
and together we make we.

3045
02:49:23,720 --> 02:49:25,889
Philadelphia, you should stand up.

3046
02:49:25,956 --> 02:49:27,491
Happy Mother's Day.

3047
02:49:27,557 --> 02:49:29,259
Eniko, I love you.

3048
02:49:29,326 --> 02:49:32,162
And motherfucker, I'm off. Let's go!

3049
02:49:32,229 --> 02:49:33,730
<i>♪ I say, hold on, wait a minute. ♪</i>

3050
02:49:33,897 --> 02:49:35,298
<i>♪ Y'all thought I was finished? ♪</i>

3051
02:49:35,399 --> 02:49:37,834
<i>♪ When I bought that Aston Martin</i>
<i>Y'all thought it was rented? ♪</i>

3052
02:49:37,901 --> 02:49:40,671
<i>♪ Flexin' on these niggas</i>
<i>I'm like Popeye on his… ♪</i>

3053
02:49:40,737 --> 02:49:43,573
<i>♪ Double M, yeah, that's my team,</i>
<i>Rozay the captain, I'm lieu-- ♪</i>

3054
02:49:43,640 --> 02:49:46,376
<i>♪ I'm the type to count a million cash</i>
<i>Then grind like I'm broke ♪</i>

3055
02:49:46,443 --> 02:49:49,379
<i>♪ That Lambo, my new bitch</i>
<i>She don't ride like my… ♪</i>

3056
02:49:49,446 --> 02:49:52,082
<i>♪ I'm ridin' around my city</i>
<i>With my hand strapped to my toes ♪</i>

3057
02:49:52,182 --> 02:49:54,751
<i>♪ 'Cause these niggas want me dead</i>
<i>And I gotta make it back ♪</i>

3058
02:49:54,818 --> 02:49:57,754
<i>♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money</i>
<i>My son need some ♪</i>

3059
02:49:58,789 --> 02:50:00,490
<i>♪ These niggas tryna take my life</i>
<i>They fuck around, get… ♪</i>

3060
02:50:00,557 --> 02:50:03,393
<i>♪ You fuck around, you fuck around</i>
<i>You fuck around, get smoked ♪</i>

3061
02:50:03,460 --> 02:50:05,796
<i>♪ 'Cause these Philly niggas</i>
<i>I brought with me don't fuck around ♪</i>

3062
02:50:06,630 --> 02:50:09,066
<i>♪ All I know is murder</i>
<i>When it come to me ♪</i>

3063
02:50:09,132 --> 02:50:11,902
<i>♪ I got young niggas that's rollin'</i>
<i>I got niggas throwin' ♪</i>

3064
02:50:11,968 --> 02:50:14,738
<i>♪ I done did the DOA's,</i>
<i>I done did the KOD's ♪</i>

3065
02:50:14,805 --> 02:50:16,707
<i>♪ Every time I'm in that bitch</i>
<i>I get to… ♪</i>

3066
02:50:17,607 --> 02:50:20,410
<i>♪ But now I'm hangin' out that drop head</i>
<i>I'm ridin' down on Collins ♪</i>

3067
02:50:20,544 --> 02:50:23,346
<i>♪ They let my nigga Ern back home</i>
<i>That young nigga be wildin' ♪</i>

3068
02:50:23,447 --> 02:50:26,083
<i>♪ We young niggas, we mobbin'</i>
<i>Like Batman and we're… ♪</i>

3069
02:50:26,149 --> 02:50:29,052
<i>♪ In this two-door Maybach</i>
<i>With my seat all reclinin' ♪</i>

3070
02:50:29,119 --> 02:50:31,688
<i>♪ I say, "Real nigga, what up?</i>
<i>Real nigga, what up?" ♪</i>

3071
02:50:31,755 --> 02:50:34,491
<i>♪ If you ain't about that murder game,</i>
<i>then pussy nigga, shut up ♪</i>

3072
02:50:34,558 --> 02:50:36,460
[raps indistinctly]

3073
02:50:41,932 --> 02:50:45,068
<i>♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up,</i>
<i>hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪</i>

3074
02:50:45,936 --> 02:50:46,903
<i>♪ Hey! ♪</i>

3075
02:50:47,437 --> 02:50:48,872
<i>♪ Hey! Hey! ♪</i>

3076
02:50:48,939 --> 02:50:51,708
<i>♪ 'Cause my mama need that bill money</i>
<i>My son need some milk ♪</i>

3077
02:50:51,775 --> 02:50:54,344
<i>♪ These niggas want me dead</i>
<i>But they fuck around, get killed ♪</i>

3078
02:50:54,411 --> 02:50:55,779
<i>♪ You fuck around, you-- ♪</i>

3079
02:50:56,880 --> 02:50:58,882
<i>♪ You gonna remember me ♪</i>

3080
02:50:58,949 --> 02:50:59,816
<i>♪ They gon' remember me ♪</i>

3081
02:50:59,883 --> 02:51:02,586
<i>♪ So much money</i>
<i>Have yo' friends turn in yo' enemies ♪</i>

3082
02:51:02,652 --> 02:51:04,788
<i>♪ And when there's beef</i>
<i>I turn my enemies to-- ♪</i>

3083
02:51:05,756 --> 02:51:08,291
<i>♪ With them bricks they go for 40</i>
<i>Ain't no 10 a key ♪</i>

3084
02:51:08,358 --> 02:51:11,261
<i>♪ Hold up, broke nigga turned rich</i>
<i>Love the game like Mitch ♪</i>

3085
02:51:11,328 --> 02:51:14,197
<i>♪ And if I leave, you think them pretty</i>
<i>Hoes gon' still suck my… ♪</i>

3086
02:51:14,264 --> 02:51:17,467
<i>♪ It was somethin' about that Rollie</i>
<i>When it first touched that… ♪</i>

3087
02:51:17,534 --> 02:51:19,836
<i>♪ Had me feelin' like that dope boy</i>
<i>When he first touched that brick ♪</i>

3088
02:51:19,903 --> 02:51:20,971
<i>♪ I'm gone ♪</i>

3089
02:51:21,037 --> 02:51:22,539
Philadelphia.

3090
02:51:22,606 --> 02:51:23,907
[audience cheering]

3091
02:51:23,974 --> 02:51:25,408
[Kevin] Stand up!

3092
02:51:25,475 --> 02:51:28,111
Meek Mill! The Roots!

3093
02:51:28,178 --> 02:51:29,679
Shane Gillis!

3094
02:51:29,746 --> 02:51:31,648
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!

3095
02:51:31,715 --> 02:51:34,351
Bitch! I'm Kevin Hart,

3096
02:51:34,417 --> 02:51:36,553
and you will remember me. I'm gone.

3097
02:51:39,689 --> 02:51:40,891
[music concludes]

3098
02:51:40,957 --> 02:51:44,828
[audience cheering, applauding]